thought #157- where do you end and where do i begin?

 "for something to begin, something must end"

i don't think i can count the times i have repeatedly encountered this phrase. be it in a church sermon, peppered within the contents of a cheesy love song, said in tears by a chick flick protagonist, found within the lines of novel, anywhere and everywhere. it is after all truth.

i recall writing about "endings" in a previous thought, and once again it appears as a reoccurring notion. i don't think i'll ever get over thinking about endings. they happen too often in life to forget. i think we often fail to remember that the death of things, people, epochs in life are not always sad. i mean its true, there's nothing happy and pleasant about having to say goodbye to a two year relationship with someone you actually thought of realistically walking down the aisle with. or graduating high school, or when someone you love with cancer passes away, or when you suddenly realise you're not 13 and can never be again. the end and death of something is always painful, especially when it isn't wanted. especially when it isn't inevitable,  especially when we still cling to what we know we must leave behind.

but this is life. we will never grow, learn, change and blossom if we are forever confined to the same atmosphere, people, thoughts, experiences. we make our own minds up, our own lives up, our own beliefs and values to follow by the things that end and begin in life. maybe for you to learn to forgive or begin to love you have to end that relationship that was actually destroying both parties. maybe for you to experience the world and challenge your convictions you had to graduate high school and enter the real world in all its wonder, brilliance, tragedy and chaos. maybe it is only after physical death  that you begin to cherish the importance of life and understand the fleeting nature of existence. and maybe it is only that you're no longer a teenager that responsibility, freedom and wisdom is birthed.

i'm not saying you can't grieve, i'm not even saying "for fuck sakes just get over it" because we're only human. it takes time. for some it's a day, some it's three months, some its fifteen years. sometimes it's never really. but the irrefutable truth is if you want something to start, you must bid something adieu. permanently... well for as permanent, this non-permanent life can get.

love,

ps. so true.
pps. http://thxthxthx.com/ love this site.

thought #27- matthew 7:21

 ²¹ "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 


lately i've been musing about this verse. and lately it feels as if i have been kicking this same verse in the dirt as if it were a mere candy wrapper tossed by some inconsiderate neanderthal. it's a frightening realisation and an even scarier revelation that this will occur in the near near future. to be honest, i'm finding it hard to follow in faith and be like jesus. i feel i've been behaving and living completely alternatively to what he has intended for me to be. its tragic and i'm beginning to really feel the distance now. actually i've been feeling the distance for awhile now since school has concluded.

i recall hearing many messages about temptation and living an ungodly lifestyle and to choose right, justice and love amidst the corruption of our world at school and thinking i may be tempted but no way, i can't imagine life not being a christian. suddenly you leave school and reality sets in like wet concrete and temptation suddenly becomes this enticing form of poison basically wherever you go. suddenly you have to make conscious decisions to say no to things that hinder our relationship with the Creator, suddenly you're no longer sheltered from the undignified world we live in. and as a human, the flesh is weak. very weak.

so this week has been a struggle, an internal spritual tug-of-war. i don't want to crash and burn altogether. i still believe in God. i still believe in the power of his name and the life that i'm called to follow. but i know that im unhinging, coming undone from the body that is supposed to keep me intact. as i write i find it sad and very embarrassing to be sharing this all. i feel so vulnerable and foolish but i'm really finding it difficult.

as much as having a good time and celebrating my youth is such a grand thing to do. i can't waste time knowing that i may call out lord only to be ignored. shit, its serious.

p.s. kyle's shindig was amazing! happy birthday again my dear friend :)

thought # 5- i miss dead people

as i woke up today, i was reminded about a family friend who had passed away a few months ago this year  and though i did not weep inconsolably and wet my bedding, i was honestly sentimental about it. i suddenly missed the small, petty things that completed who she was like the way she chuckled and showered you with kisses upon your check, her little scuttle across our old church kitchen room, things that you don't consider as important when they are still alive. but somehow when they're dead those trivialities are somewhat immortalised in memory.

i experienced the same feeling whilst watching movies, like that latest heath ledger movie... the imaginarium (i won't even try to finish this title) and stand by me starring the adorably tough river pheonix. it dawns upon you how amazing they are and suddenly they're gone. no longer existing on this earth like the rest of us. then of course there is mj and other people who have departed this year.

oh and i think immersing myself in in cold blood by truman capote has created the same effect. i can't get over the clutter family massacre and how the murderers had no real motivation but rob human life... mindblowing.

which takes me to the essence of today's thought. how quick and ephemeral life is. how one moment you're sitting typing away a blog about how eccentric your brain can be to lying in a corpse with that half-smile and morgue maked- up face in a pretty dress that doesn't belong to you (sorry im not being offensive or morbid... im just emphasising the nimbleness of time haha). i think we often take that for granted and place much pressure of a world that will not exist when a new heaven and earth is made. live life beyond your own selfishness, i say. enjoy everything this world can offer but be mindful of the next and make this life one that counts (im still personally trying to learn this all) :)
 
so, perhaps its me but you really do miss dead people.

love

p.s. thanks danise, i love your site.