thought #155- it's easy to think you know someone, but truly knowing them is the hardest part.

i've come to terms with the fact that i will never completely figure someone out, myself included. i think part of me; the carnal, competitive and knowledge- hungry self will be forever attempting and equally forever disappointed by this. i've somewhat lived by this chimera that one day i will meet that someone who will truly get me, someone i will in return banish complexity and see right through.

and so the quest has always been founded upon this foolish guideline, meeting people exchanging numbers, trading hearts and find in the very moment you are so very caught up in each other's lives that you don't know this person as well as you thought. it may be a gradual realisation, an accumulation of disappointment and qualm. or it maybe that one instance, sitting in a restaurant on that casual friday night date (as you often do; nothing extraordinary), that he says something that makes you suddenly doubt or feel disgusted. and that feeling, that gut-wrenching feeling of knowing that you can't pretend something when it is already in existence and fully aware in your world. and in that fleeting moment, that harmless iota and insignificant dent in another twenty- four hour day, you realise that you don't really know much after all.

perhaps its a sudden human notion of repulsion, unattractedness or a turn-off or perhaps, innately, its this sadness because you thought you had things figured out, sketched out and planned, that freakishly you secretly thought of doing life together to find out that you were conjuring your "perfect" groom from the contents of a stranger. a waste after all. a back to square one of oblivion.

to be honest, i'm fed up with this sort of routine shit. i've come to grips that i will never really know a person in his or her totality. nor will i know myself. that is a coveted secret shared only by the Creator. what i can do is to forget trying to devour people with attempts at getting to know them and to just know them. is there a difference you ask? of course. i mean stop trying so hard to find the perfect guy or perfect relationship or perfect friendship or perfect human being because thats just nonexistent bullshit and a cruising for a bruising. understand its a risk everyday to give fragments of yourself away. accept that you will only know so much of a person. but be content. be thankful that they were willing enough to shed some of their skin to let you in. i'm not talking about being two faced ok?! just be happy you know someone, in this world it's easy not to.

thought #128- make your mumma proud

Day 09 - Something you’re proud of in the past month

i don't believe experienced any great triumphs or epiphanies in the last month. but i guess im proud of passing my first semester of uni, as horribly uncommitted as i was. it's only encouraged me to try my best this coming semester. i guess i'm also proud of stirring from my completely depressed and nonsensical state in life. i must admit the past few months have been very difficult. i'm not one to be emotional but things have occurred which have caused much complacency, questioning, priority shifting and such. but im glad to be on the right track. enjoying life, understanding that there will never be just a simple way, and that regardless of how many times we get fucked over, that there is hope and power in perspective. im just going to live life, find a job, be happy and learn to love the priorities in my life... men not included. HAHA

 love,

thought #120- update

on the current state of my life as of the 30 jun 2010.

• as of june 25 2010 i am currently on holidays. thrilled to be mooching for five weeks.
• currently unemployed. still. but waiting for that precious call back.
• currently single. still. but not looking. heart in hibernation. after its catastrophic punctures for the past few months, its safe to say that its crawled back to its owner's refuge. i'd like to think that whatever happens, happens. but this has only caused me to be more cautious of who i let in and what happens really means on both ends.
• sleep deprived. still. but has fuelled her 4am mornings with skins online and fb bffl chats.
• finds friday and saturday as her movie and wine in bed nights. i know i am lame being legal and should be galavanting around kings cross and clubbing at every opportunity, but frankly id rather stay in bed with a good glass of spumante and the last kiss rather than get felt up all night. i mean i don't mind clubbing once in awhile (ie. july 2). but perhaps being a home body/child grandma makes me desire comfort first.
• is adamant to start learning how to cook. i want to expand my culinary artistry and knowledge. maybe for one day when someone special comes over for dinner.
• will finally be awakening friperie for its winter collection. i know its been long but soon, after i organise everything, it will open its little eyes and bring back the pre-loved goodness.
• getting back to writing. i havent written in so long, it felt my brain was going into a creative draught. but thankfully i have http://dearhumanity.tumblr.com and http://sounderrated.com to keep me artistically alive.
• getting back to singing. i havent touched the piano in awhile. so these holidays i am keen to start recording and punch those vocal folds into place.
• exploring. in more contexts than one. i can't wait for the innumerable dinner dates, bar visits, pub crawls and everything in between. provided a job is there to sustain me haha.
• is trying to be happy. because being indifferent or feral or raging or confused or pretending to be happy really just sucks balls. 

love,

ps. just think i might :)