thought #55- why i wouldnt mind calling the eastern suburbs home

seven reasons why i would farewell western sydney and bonjour to the eastern suburbs/sydney cbd

1. frequent visits to the tea room- if you have not experienced an old fashioned, high-classed morning high tea then you are really missing out on the finer, luxurious things in life. it was absolutely beautiful sitting with our little china and view of enslaved of commonwealth bankers on the other side and chattering about love, life, past, present and future. the staff are multicultural (mainly french), friendly and tip-worthy. the place itself is a masterpiece with a glass encased elevator and plenty of opportunities to pose in front of the tea cups.  i'm just hopeful that grace sicat enjoyed her birthday present :)
2. the shopping- everything from high-end designers which make you sigh as you pass their store fronts and security guard protected fronts, to vintage op-shops where you can score a cute dress for ten bones and unique knick knacks and everything (e.g. buttons, typewriters, cowboy boots, babysitter club videos, birdcages) in between. there is nothing lacking. downside... funds haha.
3. the eclectic residents- not that i'm being disloyal to the westies but the eastern suburb residents really know what to wear, what to read, what to consume, what to generally not be. most are also friendly, some high-strung and snotty but i guess this doesnt bother me. it's fantastic.
4. the terrace houses- its been a dream of myself and my best friend madeleine astle, to move into a terrace house one day with a brightly painted door and splendidly rusted grills. one day perhaps... *sigh* haha.
5. the little treasures of eatery- there are about 9076084369 cafes located in the easter suburbs, most of them titled strangely but nevertheless intriguing. i am adamant to try them all one day and bask in the morning/ afternoon laziness with a book at hand and cup of coffee in the other.
6. the scenery- is photo worthy. from the old run down, dilapidated buildings, to the ancient churches and busy streets. everything is beautiful in its own strange, ugly and unconventional way.
7. the crux between laid back and busy- depending on where you are, places such as newtown are sleepy and community focused whereas the cbd is peppered with suit-wearing, on the go, busy busy busy strangers. the double edged sword is rather appealing. 

p.s. can't wait till university. hopefully i shall be exploring far more. nevertheless today was brilliant. can't wait to repeat the adventure. 

love,

ps. shots taken from newtown. obviously not by me. thank God for google. 

thought #54- hot is better left to describe heat not humans

even though i'm a repeated culprit at referring to overly attractive men as "hot" deep inside there is so much more to a gorgeous person behind such a label and moreso it would be less tragic to know that a man thinks of you far more greater than your "hotness." so as i promised my dear friend matthew moore, i will explore the word/concept of "hot" and its irrelevance to relationships and our society in general, in five easy statements.

1. there is a difference between hot and beautiful- to be described as hot may certainly be flattering, but will not perpetually continue. in this world you are either genetically blessed to have the ability to make men/women melt at your smouldering physique and external attractiveness, however this doesn't necessarily equate to a beautiful human being. the word hot is often affiliated with either the scantily clad, make up- ridden, good looking but zero substance girls who enjoy their time spent being felt up and in the company of equally bitching friends or the smoking, jaw dropping males who flaunt and swoon but have dick and jerk written all over. to be beautiful could actually include a degree of "hotness" but to be solely associated to as being hot is superficially and irrefutably not beautiful. being beautiful is to have a heart that can exceed the loveliness of one's face. 
2. being hot is so transitory- what's hot is so easily defined by the mind of an era. you could be hot last year, then you're suddenly not simply because you're not wearing the popular clothes, listening to the popular music, being popular and all that shitty mainstream business. besides since we've established that hot is a shallow factor, today you may be seen as hot but in 20 years time this could no longer be the case. sadly, if you are too busy being fuelled by this idea of "hotness," chances are you will age to a point of realisation that you never took the time to be beautiful or even understand human beauty.
3. being JUST hot is not enough- so yes you maybe "hot" and attractive and every man/woman you encounter froths over how gorgeous you are, but at the end of the day no one would ever delight in a boyfriend/girlfriend/romantic relation/other half replying to the question "why do you like so and so?" with "cause they're hot." it would be a different story if one was to continue after this, but if its solely because you're hot then forget it. you're personality and values and things that define you greater than a hormone-fuelled feeling are far more worthy.
4. being hot is superficial- would you prefer a girl/guy saying that you're so beautiful or you're so hot? i mean obviously beautiful means theres so much more than just scratching the surface of a human. hot in this context can be seen as derogatory or even dehumanising as if you are defined simply by how physically irresistible you can be and not because you are wise, profound and caring.
5. relationships are never based on "hotness"- and if they do, they usually don't last. you're an absolute idiot if you date someone just because they are fabulous arm candy but when no ones looking and commenting on how great you are together, there are no deep talks, similarities and common interests- you end up as bland, flat and one sided. i dont think folks like my grandparents who have been married for over 50 years once thought of each other as hot and that was it. its not bad i guess to be "hot" but its more important to be beautiful.

love,

ps. it really is, haha. 

thought #53- "the morning after" feeling

you know that unexplainable calm you receive after a relentless, shitty evening? that odd sensation of not being quite over a situation or someone or something but knowing within the very walls of your gut that things will be fine? that assurance that even if things remain unrecognisable and unknown, that eventually light will be shed? i think i may have it.

as john mayer sings in, in repair "i'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there." i believe it echoes truth within life as we speak. i love how two sided the connotation "the morning after" brings. it can either imply a fantastically thrashed evening of subconscious decisions and waking up to handsome or handsome at the time men... similarly to those movies. most of the time you laugh at the protagonist's misfortune and think "haha sucks to be you." then there are those morning afters where one has been balling their eyes out, literally heaving out the tragic bits of life and then awaking the next morning feeling concaved and worn out. i must say i'm with the latter right now.

but the only difference is that my morning after is fuelled with hope. i mean the confusion remains, the nips of pain lingers but the prospect of moving on is so much greater. i already feel things developing, the heart being arranged to let someone else in. i choose to be happy, because that option is there. life is far too short to mope around and brood haha.

so i guess even in the worst of moments and hardest of times there is always "a morning after" to look forward to. one peppered with joy. in other words hope.

love,

ps. never heard of the band. great pic though haha.

thought #52- too familar yet undeciphered

i find this concept of familiarity and certainty as two interrelating concepts, yet two very distinct things.
i find myself battling between the two and as much as i desire certainty i find myself stuck in the corner of recognised places, faces, things and never treading any deeper to where i fear to wade yet desire to explore. on friday at united, i was overcome with this feeling as i briefly exchanged the most sudden contact with former favourite boy. it was an odd feeling, but the best example of what i mean between familiarity and certainty.

prior to 2010, familiarity and certainty between us and most things in life were hand in hand. things were splendid and lacking in complexity and confusion. now i find the bridge has widened and in that five second wave, in that turning around to see him dissolve within a crowd of hundreds of lovely young things, i realised that the familiarity was there. everything had not been moved or altered. the place was recognised, even the moment was a repeat. everything made sense. yet in that quick moment i also realised that my certainty, that my feeling of assurance was no longer present. and to be honest it was slightly tragic. there was no more awkward glances, no more smiles, no more knowing where you belonged and who you belonged to. those were suddenly ripped apart by the divide of our different lives.

when i arrived home, i began to see how life has slowly become swallowed by this trend of familiarity. where everything is in place. where you are not lost, where you need not to adjust. but the reason why you are there, the meaning behind the recognition seems distorted. i want it back... i want things to not just be "hey i know this!" and "yes ive seen this before". but to also be "and that is why i do this." i guess this trivial encounter left me questioning whether i had chosen the correct path and made the right decision. but i guess the conclusion of this year will tell me all and i am beyond pathetic-ness to want anything more but become nothing less. i refuse to regret.

i miss knowing everything was alright. i miss many things. but i guess missing can only be an extension. the rest is living it out.

love,

p.s. what familiarity and certainty looked like (past tense).

thought #51- non-mutually exclusive concepts

i really don't have a thought today. so here's a story haha.

there lies a candid moment, in between walking through another sea of flesh and bone and gangly limbs and dithering hearts and the very instance she ogles a man distinguished by nothing more than his ordinariness. immediately she sets him apart. and as they exchange an emotionless grimace, a signal to say that they acknowledge each other's presence as strangers do, she is already lost in twenty years later and a potential future.


free from the restrictions of truth; she summons names, addresses, ex-girlfriends, the condition of his bedroom, what alcohol he consumes, what car he drives and most importantly what he thinks of her. if he thinks of her (of course he doesn't seeing as they only saw each other three minutes ago and it's far too farfetched to think that things are already mutual).


she dismisses her juvenile games and pathetically continues to exist, miserable by the very wretched thought that she knows nothing and most likely will know nothing about a stranger she neither met nor conversed with. she turns into her coffee shop and orders nothing out of the mediocre. as she waits, he enters quietly chirping on the other end of a phone. she suddenly pauses. heart explodes. nauseating feeling emerges. she attempts to unpeel her stare but she cannot believe it. is it coincidence? is it some sappy movie she has subconsciously produced in her mind? is it serendipity? (of course she knows that this is a popular cafe and that it is nothing special to share an affinity for the same coffee beans. but that conclusion is boring and depressing).


as her coffee arrives, she is grateful yet frustrated. should she let another moment pass due to her passivity? he notices her presence and this time smiles. she reciprocates. she forgets the banality of the moment. she forgets the distinct line from strangers and liking strangers. as she walks away, defeated by her shyness, he asks if they have met before. her familiarity intrigues him. internally she is in chaos, externally she remains calm. feigning her pleasure by the pursing of her lips and beverage at hand. she says they have not. exchange of names, universities, brief introductions to life stories. things appear favourable.


and as they converse, on their way to a morning lecture. he finally deciphers a mutual thread. they are mutual. they are mutual through his girlfriend. and as they part, she secretly curses under her breath the concept of ever being mutual. 


fin. haha.

ps. i never knew such a song existed haha. its really sappy the song, but the video clip is not too bad. makes you wish you had one of those clock pendants haha. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXAGNzyUuAs

thought #50- 51 words to describe the past 51 entries

just because its such a momentous occassion... and just because i wasnt bothered recapping 51 thoughts in one evening haha.

51 words in relation to the past 51 entries

2010 has been terrifically messy, confusing, challenging yet splendid. i have befriended new folk and missed the old companions. i miss the comfort and familiarity of 2009 but beyond expectant and prepared to rearrange life, fall in love, learn to be human, appreciate existence, embrace change, and regret nothing... just croire.

ps. thanks for today matty. you may have a severely terrible backhand at wii tennis but you're much amusement to observe :) oh and you owe me so bad, you know what i mean haha. 

pps. and thank you for looking for that non-existent battery with me carlo. 

thought #49- why there is no such thing as inbetween

"There is no neutral ground in the universe; every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counter claimed by Satan." C.S. Lewis


i love this quote, beyond the fact that i adore c.s. lewis and the brilliance and relevance of everything that has been recorded to have come out of his mouth. i adore the veracity within it. it is true, there is no such thing as neutral. i mean our world these days have become so passive and relative that we are easily swayed to believe that there is no right or wrong. or there is no absolute or positive way of doing things. what may be right for you, may not necessarily be correct for me but nevertheless does not eliminate the fact that its the truth. bullshit. there is nothing such as half-lies or partially corrects. so why do we live like we're always on the borderline?

i think its much more convenient to have one foot in and the other out when it comes to aspects of our life. its hard to be whole-hearted. i guess the risk of paining yourself or having a tragic outcome is far greater. i think its so much more easier to be half-arsed in life, but then again its not really living is it? so i guess the challenge is to live radically. to avoid lukewarm dealings, commci-commca attitudes, complacency and to exist one way or the other. so it's either i love you or i don't, i believe or i dismiss, i am or i'm not, i love or i don't, i fear or i'm brave, or i live or i'm dead.

the simplicity is terrifying isn't it? haha.

love,

ps. for when life feels like we can't distinguish one from the other. neutrality is a bitch haha.