thought # 9- i miss being white

compared to the rest of my schoolies companions who returned with glorious shades of brown and slight burns, i truly benefited from hiding underneath an umbrella from each beach session that occurred. still. i'm just being slightly grouser about my pigment. especially in the shower, i groan at the mottled brown limbs that have emerged and my pimply face which has resulted from extreme heat (this is an overeactive superficial muse).

nevertheless, schoolies week has been and as i have mentioned in a facebook status the most deranged, sickening, splendid, interesting, amazing week ever! excessive amounts of synonyms cannot truly capture the essence of living with a herd of hormonal, independent, almost always intoxicated and liberated youth. truly it was an experience of many "firsts" and "unexpectedness." i cannot believe how quickly time has eradicated our stay; with our late nights playing twister under the influence, early mornings with headaches and the sun piercing our eyes like forks and knives to impentrable steak, cooking and cleaning like adults, and lazing around in the company of cute strangers and splendid friends at the beach. 


so much has truly occurred. would i ever do it again? hell yes! of course there were some nights which i fear to ever repeat such as monday night where one moment i was screaming verbal orgasms (i know this sounds superbly suss but believe me there were no loses of virginity in the process), then i downed some tequila (combined with other assorted beverages) and next i found the toilet lid had become a pillow and below was that butt burning spicy thai i had for dinner (many thanks to samantha for cleaning [and consoling] my vomit and connor who tied my hair back whilst i vomited haha). i woke up feeling horrible but regretting nothing haha oh dear.


but then there were lovely days and nights such as staying up till 4am with new found friends (thanks kate :P),  fingal bay beach, discovering cheap cds and a pretty bag at the markets, gorging on baskin and robbins and fresh hot chips authentically wrapped with paper and love, and watching adventureland (i personally adored the film). i believe the cooking process was also quite enjoyable and playing families was frustrating yet valuable. all in all there were moments of joy, tiredness, iritation but joy. i believe everyone who participated would concur that the week was splendid and a repeat would be adored by all.


so i guess i am relieved and saddened by the end of our schoolies fun. however, each day is a precious memory from unexpected "friendliness," waking up spooning your good guy friends, after- dinner drinks in the heat of the australian spring, listening to empire state of mind on repeat in your best friends car, numerous photos and videos and being reminded of just how splendid your high school mates really are is truly priceless. i love you all, really. beyond the sentimentality haha.



p.s. the view of salamander bay from the balcony of our house. oh how i miss schoolies already!

thought # 8- i want to like animals

i really do. i think back to all the numerous occasions when i have fled from canines who make sweet love to your leg or look like they could maul you in a few seconds, or flinch at harmless rabbits and other creatures. and now i really want to push past my trauma and personality disorder to accept and love animals. i know im naturally not an animal lover since i never grew up in the presence of a best friend dog or a lazy feline. but i guess this random thought really challenges me now to think otherwise.

i don't think i could ever live in a zoo or own thousands of assorted creatures but i am trying my best to not cringe at the sight of an animal who is licking their lips at the sight of my limbs haha (a sort of declaration, i guess). well its 10:40am (the first time to wake before 12:30 since the abolition of school) and i'm skyping with my dear friend kuan before he is to leave for malaysia... i really am sad to see him go. but on the other hand, there is schoolies to think about tomorrow and a week long adventure to explore. i am beyond excited at the endless euphoria we shall experience lazing around at the beach, cooking and making mess together, talking until the late hours of the morning about life and no doubt drinking the same amount.

it will be sad though to know that this may possibly be the last until another few years before the group is to reunite and this time we shall be young adults with possible mortgages, spouses, careers and children at our hips. so i believe this will be a time to celebrate youthfulness and life beyond the hsc. now all we have to do is wait for the results. my goodness i am so nervous, i almost do not want to receive any marks back. but my apprehension is extinguished by the truth that He has it all within the palm of his hand. so i shall pray and believe that the system hasn't screwed me over or further i havent screwed my future over and shall be given a chance at the uni life i  have so pathetically mused about since the beginning of time.

well i shall be off, a nanna nap calls and i shall see you all in a week.
love

p.s. why i want to love animals. thanks again danise, you really do beautify my entries (http://otarie.tumblr.com)

thought # 7- if i befriended a murderer

apart from the fact that i may not survive to see tomorrow, i would ask them why they would choose such a profession...  such a label. i am not one to judge and will never despite how horrid the crime may be but you can't help wonder what possesses a man to cut throats and dismember bodies as if they were cows in an abattoir. human evil is such an intricate, scary thing. mainly because it is within our fallen nature and we ultimately have some running through our veins. but then again, i would never chop someone's head or point a shotgun at someone's face. because no matter how many times a murderer will say that this life is a bastard and this world is out to get them, i am only reminded of who i am accountable to at the end of the day and who's presence i will be before when judgement day comes.

perhaps im odd but i really do pity murderers who have lived a lonely life, whose upbringings and experiences compel them to discard the value of human life. reading in cold blood (as i mentioned in a previous thought) made me somehow wish if only the murderers were brought up with love, with a revelation of who they really are beyond the carnalities and horrors of their own lives. if only they knew it wasn't too late before they walked up to the planks and were hung on that fateful day of 1965 (i personally don't approve of capital punishment and see that it isn't our role to decide upon life and death). perhaps its me but even the most cruel, sadistic being is not beyond the ability to find hope and affinity. i was looking at photos of perry smith and dick hickock and when you analyse their grimaces you can see a veneer of pride that is only present to mask how hurt and lost they really are.

so if i ever befriended a murderer perhaps i would come to cherish the precious gift of human life and without any fingers being pointed or claims on whose to blame, i am in utter respect for people who can forgive their loved one's killers (like the virk family) and i actually sympathise with murderers... no i don't condone what they do and i don't see it right in any way, but if jesus could love and forgive wretches like me and other murderers, adulterers, frauds etc. who are we to not? 


love

 

p.s. photos of perry smith and truman capote (top) and dick hickock (bottom) the murderers of the clutter family in 1959. there is something so beautiful about these photos, you almost forget they're murderers and remind yourself they're first human beings.

thought # 6- i think i just gained five kilos

really, i think i just gained another stomach and a half at the thought of finally having concluded my hsc. its the most relieving feeling in the universe. like that emotion you get after consuming a gallon of your favourite ice cream and despite the knowledge that you're about regurgitate or explode you're just too happy to really care. or when you know that person you like is totally into you without any need for speech. or after you've relieved yourself from a long road trip when you thought you were about to shit all over your brother in the car (haha sorry, graphic and gross). what i really was intending to capture from all these similes is that i have that feeling of utter relief and happiness. now i can sleep tonight knowing that i don't have to know the difference between observations and action research, nor do i ever have to apply a log function or know what year pericles died. thank you jesus. 

so now there is a world to conquer and so much time to spare. this freedom is almost making me giddy to be honest but i am glad. speaking of jesus i had the most amazing encounter last night. i was praying about society and asking for confidence and any apprehensions to be dispelled and this verse continually came into mind "philippians 4:6" to be honest i couldn't recall what the actual verse was so i scavanged for my bible among the load of papers and clothing in my pig sty of a bedroom and finally found it. and it was "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." and i thought oh my goodness, you are good! haha i knew the verse but it came at such a perfect time and it felt all fear was blanketed over his amazing promise. i don't believe it was coincidental but i know that i slept well that night haha.

thats all i wanted to really share haha. enjoy the day friends!
love




p.s. so i tweeted this to my friend jem the other day and i believe it captures the essence of what im feeling right now haha.

thought # 5- i miss dead people

as i woke up today, i was reminded about a family friend who had passed away a few months ago this year  and though i did not weep inconsolably and wet my bedding, i was honestly sentimental about it. i suddenly missed the small, petty things that completed who she was like the way she chuckled and showered you with kisses upon your check, her little scuttle across our old church kitchen room, things that you don't consider as important when they are still alive. but somehow when they're dead those trivialities are somewhat immortalised in memory.

i experienced the same feeling whilst watching movies, like that latest heath ledger movie... the imaginarium (i won't even try to finish this title) and stand by me starring the adorably tough river pheonix. it dawns upon you how amazing they are and suddenly they're gone. no longer existing on this earth like the rest of us. then of course there is mj and other people who have departed this year.

oh and i think immersing myself in in cold blood by truman capote has created the same effect. i can't get over the clutter family massacre and how the murderers had no real motivation but rob human life... mindblowing.

which takes me to the essence of today's thought. how quick and ephemeral life is. how one moment you're sitting typing away a blog about how eccentric your brain can be to lying in a corpse with that half-smile and morgue maked- up face in a pretty dress that doesn't belong to you (sorry im not being offensive or morbid... im just emphasising the nimbleness of time haha). i think we often take that for granted and place much pressure of a world that will not exist when a new heaven and earth is made. live life beyond your own selfishness, i say. enjoy everything this world can offer but be mindful of the next and make this life one that counts (im still personally trying to learn this all) :)
 
so, perhaps its me but you really do miss dead people.

love

p.s. thanks danise, i love your site.

thought # 4- self advertising and smiling

self advertising is overrated and despicable. well then call me overrated and despicable because i'm about to promote myself, in the most humble way possible.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0moC6EixZA 
please watch and enjoy friends!

http://www.twitter.com/AbigailAnnCruz

on a less egotistical note, i received a lovely message from my favourite boy which made me smile. and i spent last night learning how to skype with kuan which also made me smile. i think the days are getting so much more brighter now that the suffocating cloud of the hsc is finally evaporating- one left on wednesday! then there is so much more to look forward to- schoolies, work, a three month bludge, christmas shopping, life in general. how grand. i am in a particularly pleasant mood as i write so i really have nothing morbid to add except that things are euphoric and despite having to push on through horrible study (that i am intending to bludgeon), i am hopeful and optimistic about life ahead and finally being a university student and enjoying youthfulness in its horrible yet splendid totality.

short and sweet this evening friends but hopefully you feel the same way too. happiness is relative but joy is internal and perpetual if your source of strength is founded upon the Creator. i feel like laughing at myself, i think i will. 


love

p.s. i found this on a tumblr page, i must thank that site it has so many inspiring, beautiful and scary photos that make me smile.

thought # 3- why i love androgony

dear boyfee,

i know this may sound like a love letter rather than a blog, but i see this apt and believe you do too. it has been 13 incredible years and at your request i would like to remind you by my new penchant- listing.

11 reasons why i adore eleanor clark.

1. she's my boyfriend (personal joke folks)- the only one i know who will never leave, bicker and annoy me and is very tolerant to third parties within our relationship.
2. she's splendid company- from shopping trips, perving on men in suits at the city and coffee playdates, she listens, shares and is obviously a very beautiful piece of arm candy.
3. we're both nerds in our own ways- her obvious ocd for things rhyming with bent, dickhead (i wasnt meaning to be offensive... what possibly rhymes with wicked?) and bamtam, only shows unhealthy dedication.
4. we did and are still doing life together- especially these last two years of high school. it has been amazing getting to know her many boy dilemmas and advocacy for pathetic sappiness haha.
5. she laughs at me- in a non-malicious manner (though sometimes she may secretly do so but i forgive her) and seems to understand my horrible sense of humour.
6. she makes me laugh- purloin is not a steak, remember? 
7. she's lame- it's forgivable seeing as i am too.
8. she trusts me- with so much, even i question her. 
9. she likes me- genuinely. this can be questionnable but we haven't had any misunderstandings yet so i'd like to retain this assumption.
10. she likes asian food- meaning she's not racist or white supremist. she embraces asians and in return we asians embrace her with our delectable cuisine.
11. she's real- in all seriousness (not that i wasnt serious about the ten other points haha), she is the most raw, wholehearted individual you will meet. her humility and transparency is astounding and she is an incredible blessing to my life.

haha there you go, you owe me one clark.

love

p.s. remember this evening, when we went to the leichardt forum and decided we wanted to live here... but then the airplanes became a problem? haha