thought #261- declare then do

i want to:

• step out of the mundane, banality of life. find out what i really want and what i really love and seek it without qualm. 
• find my home. travel between borders, collect memories of locations and evenings and people, then finally settle down to where my conscience, career and community peacefully reside (wherever that may be). 
• stop falling in lust and start falling in love. i don't want to settle for someone's nasty leftovers nor be the constant centre piece of temporary affinity influenced by copious amounts of champagne. 
• pay more attention to the condition of my soul. stop ignoring the relationship that helped me build virtues, values, faith and goodness for the people around me. stop being so selfish as to think i'm wasting time with the one who took his to craft me in all my complexity. 
• be less avaricious, more ambitious. i want to be driven by goals, by that personal satisfaction, by inspiration and the success of strategies created from my own whim not because i have to prove anything to anyone else or base my life on materialistic measures. 
• sing and write more. i say it every year but i do mean it. i want to make more music and refine the art. i want this year to overflow with experiences, feelings, thoughts transposed into music and lyrics. 
• appreciate the little things more. from home cooked meals, to the fact that i have a roof under my head and a family who loves me unconditionally, from a gorgeous sunset to the beauty of stranger's stance. 
• learn another language. french first, spanish second, then italian, then who knows where it may lead?
• live in a mantra of positivity. that there is hope, everything will work out. that time is not an obstacle. i want to manifest and generate light into the people i know and the ones i am yet to meet. 
• declare then do. i don't want wishes and hopes to be merely contained to this blog entry (as what i find myself constantly doing) but instead i want to make it happen. now is the time. 

love,

thought #260- caught in the middle

they said it would get easier after the first time, that i would get used to the the relentless wave of moments, the blinks of bliss and the poisonous promise of a tonight. and perhaps i will one day. or perhaps not. maybe i'll just keep seeing the flaws of fucking without feelings.

in this case, we were just two strangers fumbling in the dark, patting at our pockets as if searching for misplaced morals sandwiched in between cigarette packets, credit cards and each other's surname. we didn't need each other. not in that way. not in the sort of manner that keeps couples glued to each other's side for five years while secretly wanting to shoot each other (or themselves) in the head. i guess we just wanted each other. the way one craves for mcdonalds after a big night out, or a hot bath after a long day at work. perhaps we even wanted to tame our own unspoken loneliness with anonymity. whatever it was to get us by.

i'm not used to this, i thought to myself. he looks like he knows what he's doing. but i'm scared shitless right now because i know this doesn't work for me. i can't kiss someone without feeling i need to love them wholeheartedly but i did it anyway. it struck me the instance we awkwardly arrived at the hotel lobby, constantly checking to see if the other was still under the influence of carnal degradation and hoping we wouldn't snap back into reality and save oneself from what would happen next. the hands intertwined up an elevator soon followed,  feigning familiarity, feigning love beyond the fact that it was a mutual, rash agreement signed by a sneaky kiss on the dance floor. he opened the door to a balcony blanketed by the crisp, chill of the evening sky. with my cigarette alight and a million thoughts racing through my head, the most prominent voice of reason echoes and pounds through the system, far stronger than the copious amounts of champagne previously downed, screaming but you don't do this.

and then the stranger stares intently, he's but an inch away and here you are overanalysing once again. sobering up. trying to figure what he's thinking, whilst simultaneously trying hard to hide your tortured soul. he grabs your face and for that moment you feel as if you've known him all your life. that perhaps he is the boy you subconsciously dreamed about in high school and this moment, shrouded by the mystery of a foreign country with a foreign person for one long and arduous night, is but perfection in disguise. temporarily you know everything surface about him. about his nickname, his tattoos, his hometown, the way he likes to bite your lip while you kiss. temporarily you are the apple of his eye. temporarily you are drawn by such lust that takes superiority above all else. temporarily you are being offered the most expensive delicacy on a silver platter, free of charge. you are torn as to take it, knowing fully well that if you but have the slightest taste, you will never cease to want more.

and then you fall asleep in his arms. spooning the way you only wanted to do with someone you actually cared about. and in that fetal position, thoughts overflow, drenching the hotel room with a numbness, a wholehearted understanding that there is no repeat. there is no breakfast after. there is no late night conversations with your legs rested on your bedroom wall or picnics by the beach. there is no time, no agreement, no need for friendship and association after. it was fun. it wasn't fulfilling. we didn't need each other, you remind yourself. and as you rise from the rumination, embarrassed by your hungover, morning face you realise this. fetching your dress, looking into his eyes, there was no magic, he did not miraculous evolve or transform into a potential. he is still the same stranger who twirled your arm across the dance floor. the same stranger who is saying good morning to you from the bathroom, the same way he said good night in between the sheets.

and as you awkwardly depart the hotel lobby, go separate ways. you politely thank each other, express gratitude for the company and know fully well that it will probably be the last time you see each other ever again. and when reality strikes you both, he will forget your name, your face and associate you with another new years, another frisky time accompanied with feeling forever young. and you'll do exactly the same. they said it would get easier after the first time, but all i can still see is the flaw of fucking without feelings.

love,

thought #259- in summation

I've often described years in retrospect to be "unlike no other" but without exaggeration or cliche, 2012 has been such a ridiculous, mind-blowing, life changing time. Part of me feels like all this time prior to 2012 has only been a precursor, some sort of interlude to the main act and reality of life, the world and all it has to offer. Apart from the fact that I write this, half way across the world from familiarity, family and home, so much has occurred this year that has truly opened my eyes and has forced me to face the dreaded question of my purpose in life and what I want and how to go about conquering/achieving it. I knew from the outset that 2012 would concrete certain values pertaining to life, love, God and ones career but I was truly unsure of what I would subconsciously end up disposing, adopting or keeping. It's true, old friends took on new roles in my life, hearts were trampled in an unaware matter, sex evolved from a sacred to a casual social activity made with strangers, new friendships blossomed, growing up was faced and the looming reality of graduating university dawned on me in a frightening way. My new found adoration for the northern hemisphere occurred, freedom, independence and responsibility entailed and what more foolish, risky decisions (eg. Falling in love with strangers) were made under the influence of unfamiliarity and risqué. Part of me wants to come back home, the other part doesn't want to leave like I'm drawn to this lifestyle like a rope to the heart. Utterly captivated. Part of me knows I can't continue down destructive paths of chain smoking, joints on weekdays, one night stands, hungover mornings, luxurious living and selfish carnal actions. I can't expect to not get hurt from my constant fucking up and not doing anything about it.

As much as 2013 has followed the actions of its past sibling, I hope for nothing but peace. Peace of mind. To start thinking about life beyond myself. Yes, it was fun. No, I don't regret it but I really hope that this is just a phase and not a downward spiral into madness. It's so easy to lose ones soul in the process of trying to gain the world. I don't want that to happen. I still believe in my Creator. I still believe that this indulgent hedonistic moment of life is not permanent. I still believe in goodness, real love, faith and righteousness. It's a matter of physically effectuating the belief. It's a matter of life and death and everything in between. I have ridiculous hopes for 2013 the same way I did for 2012. And I know I'll never be the same again. For the better. Everything really will work out.

Love,

thought #257- oh i'm tired

i really am. i am mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted as we speak. as much as i've loved and breathed and existed in every moment that has been these past few months and the very last semester of my undergraduate degree, i'm drained as an iv drip. i don't think i've ever felt this skeletal and hollow in my entire life. i guess the months of sleep deprivation, spliff and cigarette chaining, constant heat, soup dinners and perpetual intoxication has really taken a toll on me. it has been one chaotic party that i've loved, cursed and come out with a repetitive morning after feeling in my bones. it's actually caused me to stop and think for a minute. about the frightening impending future, about what i want to do with my life, the condition of my soul, the people i've grown to love and the ones i've left behind. it's really caused me to open my eyes to how easy the downward spiral can be, it's also opened my eyes to how hard the upward climb back to reality, to morality, to conscience and to what i believe is right.

i feel like this carnal fun, these days of bliss has blinded me from what my purpose in life really is, about what i hold dear and who i ultimately trust. sure it's fun and games but it leaves you empty, fucked up, without any way to get back what was lost. i'm not saying i regret everything that has happened because it's been such a brilliant, mind-blowing experience. life lessons have be learnt and people have been met. i can truly say i can never be the same again. i've encountered the world, i've been happy, i've been hurt, i've been wanting and i've been questioning. i've had doubts and i've had delights so i would never trade it for anything else. but at the end of the day, there is more than this. i don't want to die being remembered as merely the person who went off the rails in uni and nothing more.

life is far beyond this perpetual party. it's about real life decisions, it's about being selfless and making a difference. it's beyond the glory days of university, it's beyond the hedonistic, risk-taking adoption of YOLO. it's about reaching out beyond your physical self and finding joy and life and love in an eternal way. it's about finding a way to not be so tired anymore.

love,

thought #256- how to love

dear you,

to be honest it's hard to wish you well when part of me wants to rip you into shreds and punch that beautiful face of yours for being so inconsiderate and selfish. it's hard to feign that your carelessness doesn't phase me. it's easier to cause controversy and rely on being upset, but what will that do? will that make you love me? will that conceal the wounded gaping part of my heart? or will that just make me look like a desperate, overly attached jilted secret admirer? but i guess in this circumstance and situation, i choose to be happy. i choose to be the bigger person. and i don't think that will happen overnight. i don't think it'll even come to pass the minute you leave. it will take an unknown amount of time but it will happen and eventually you'll be put on the mental shelf as another life lesson learnt the hard way.

as much as i hate admitting it, feelings were involved. mine anyway. as much as i wanted to be as detached and indifferent about you and everything revolving around you, it just couldn't be. you were my oblivious first. you had no choice in the matter. of course i was going to get attached. i wish i told you, then perhaps we would of never did what we did and acted the way we acted and subsequently i would of never been in this fucking place. but once again life lesson. technically you didn't/don't know and i'm not even your girlfriend so i have no right or authority to be upset. but how can you not? when someone you secretly could have given the world to with such ease, someone you barely know but want to know, someone who actually meant a great deal for not doing much, is entertaining another and not giving a shit about you. it really sucks being second best. the last resort, another option, the "been there done that".

i don't wish i was yours because i don't think you would of cared as much as i did. i don't want to be the one that loves the other more. i should of seen the signs, i should of tended to the signals but somehow my idiotic heart convinced me that you would come around. but you never did. i hope when i  do get over you, i can truly see how repulsive and unfair you are right now. because right now all i see is you leaving and me never seeing you again. all i see is an unsatisfied lust that i need to get out of my system.

i hope one day, be it tomorrow, two weeks or twenty years later, you'll come to realise. i hope you regret dealing with this all the way you did. i know it is much to ask but i hope you remember me as the one who got away. and even if you forget about my existence and i fade into banality and we never meet again and you live a fabulous life (which i know you will), i hope you come to realise how immature you acted. i hope you see the way you broke my heart as a life lesson learnt the hard way.

wishing you well

love,

thought #255- the last leg

and so my north gower days are almost over and another part of my london town adventures comes to a close. how is it possible for 3 months to feel like 3 days and how can i feel so attached to people i feel like i've just met? this whole semester has been such a rollercoaster ride of emotions and ethereal experiences. i am so glad i chose to end my undergraduate degree on the other side of the world, engaged in true, standard student life. the feeling is bittersweet, part of me wishes i still had more time to be young and careless, sleep-deprived, perpetually baked, intoxicated and constantly on heat. it has been such a surreal time here. the friendships i've established, the moments that tested us all, the petty arguments, the exposure of real people's characters, the infamous bathtimes and the family dinners. everything has been such a lesson learnt. london has truly opened my eyes to the vastness of the world. it's broadened physical and psychological perspectives and it's really motivated me to strive more for the future. i can't complain, this semester has surpassed all others.

as much as i look forward to the comforts of home, familiarity and reality, part of me doesn't want to say farewell to life here. change is such a double edged sword. it's a ridiculous tease, the moment you feel you're comfortable and complacent, than bam! change and life take each other by the hand and fuck around with your existence and emotions and forces you to adapt once again. i actually thought to myself, what if i never meet any of these people again? it's disheartening and i hope we don't just all fade away into banality, however, especially since i naturally reside in the southern hemisphere this could potentially be a reality. i hope that when we do meet again, we'll all be content, happy and be where we want to be at that exact moment of our lives. that we'll scream at having seen each other again, provide innumerable embraces and european kisses and compliment each other on how well we've aged. we'll talk about the present and future over a good feed and bottles of wine, but dedicate time to reminisce on these north gower days, laughing about the people we kissed, the hysterical fits, the late night maccas runs, the time we made brownies, passing out after a bottle of wine and the night we had to carry so and so to bed. hopefully we can look back, with more understanding and maturity and feel like that time had to be experienced in order to appreciate, value and accept the change of what we have now and what we will have one day.

love,

ps. going to miss this crazy bunch. so much love for them all x

thought #254- nothing appears as it seems

just because i feel ready doesn't mean it's time and just because you were nice to me for one night, one moment, one week, doesn't mean you're a nice person at all and just because i think it's right doesn't necessarily mean it isn't wrong. just because you have a good life and lots of pretty things and a privileged existence doesn't mean you have the right. and just because you're beautiful externally doesn't mean you have a heart to match. just because i made a mistake doesn't mean i think you are one. just because i appear fine and unaffected and nonchalant in your presence doesn't mean it's not chaotic in the brain and the heart. just because you promised doesn't mean you won't tell and just because i care now doesn't mean i'll care forever. just because you can't say how you feel doesn't mean you're not feeling anything at all and just because i think you're immature and insecure doesn't mean i don't think you'll grow and find who you are in the future. just because we met under unfortunate circumstances doesn't mean meeting you was unfortunate. just because i'm hurt now, doesn't mean i'll never cease to be hurt. just because we can't be friends doesn't mean i never considered you to be one. just because i let you see my weaknesses doesn't mean i don't know my strengths. just because it's hard doesn't give you the right to think i'm easy. just because you're fucked up doesn't mean you will be perpetually. just because i couldn't love you doesn't mean i hated you. just because i'm saying goodbye now doesn't mean i'll never say hello again. just because i want to break your heart sometimes doesn't mean i don't want to mend it. just because you don't know who you are doesn't justify why you thought you had me all figured out. just because i feel ready doesn't mean it's time.

love,