thought #189- to do list

i want to expand, fill voids and pockets of my existence with aged wine, exotic cuisines and soulful music. i want to travel the world, three times over. once, simply to enjoy my freedom, to get lost on one's own accord. second, to appreciate the cities i fleetingly meet and third, to appreciate the person i am to appreciate these cities with. i want to find a person with the capacity to love me. in those glorious days of elation; road trips and thick bedsheets and picnics and conversation. as well as those moments of cold shoulder and make up free morning and misunderstandings. i want to write songs, stories, rants and rambles. ink the vein and vessel of life. i want people to read and not be in awe of me but of the subject, and the connection of mutual understanding shared simply by the fact that the author and reader, you and i, are both human. i want to dress to elucidate my mood. style, create, embody. i want to do less of nothing and more of something (unless nothing really means something with someone). i want to internally delete past feelings. blame, shame. forgive even when they are not sorry, move on and be hopeful. i want to do better in uni. fullstop. i want to stop fucking around. i want to visit little arcane eateries that beckon with their obscurity, interior design and brunch menu. i want to get talking with my Creator. sort out my differences and be at peace with my soul. i want to delve into the limitless horizon of sound, to appreciate the beauty of vocal cords and the marriage of human fingers and instruments. i want to grow a little older, and by that get a little younger. maturity and wisdom. i want to love my body. exercise, rid toxicity (when will i smoke my last cigarette?).  i want this year to be more than another year. i want to be a better person. happier. universally inclined. aware. i want to live. for reasons undisclosed. for reasons other than myself. 

love,

thought #188- and for the record

i'm not over you. but i try to because i see no point. and you may have moved on and we may go our seperate ways, engross ourselves in the quotidian routine we are now attached at the seams to, but the truth is i still care about you. i won't ever come between or become the sometimes girl or steal you away from her. never. but i will be the foolish martyr and ache internally and smile and rejoice at your triumphs as if i fought the battle on your behalf. i will still read letters, gaze at photographs and revive old memories, no matter how many times i delete, abandon or try to deny myself the tortured pleasure. because we both know it was my fault and for that i take the blame. but that doesn't alter the fact of why i still can't give myself away or why i feel this tiny splinter of jealousy and sadness at the back of my throat, or why i still smile fondly at good memories (irrespective if it was just a season) and think will i ever find another one like you?

love

thought #187- blood & bone

Day 14: A photo of one of your favourite family members

i have an innumerable number of fave family members in my clan. so many lovely aunts, uncles, cousins etc. obviously i would say my immediate family are my favourite but apart from them, my extended family, the ledesmas (especially bianca and lora), are one of my dearest and cherished relations. even though we're two cousins apart and quite extended as blood lines go, they have been so lovely in accommodating me whenever i visit the phils and truly make me feel as if im one of their own.

i especially adore how i get along so well with bianc and lora, how we find mutual interests in music, clothes, shows and life in general. i miss them terribly and can't wait to see the whole gang pia, zach, tita nene, tito dodge, lola lettie, kuya miki & francis, sean & pat and the list continues. hopefully i'll get to visit soon and relive old memories and make some new ones along the way.

love,

thought #186- groundhog day

recently i've found myself in a trance. an indifferent, ephemeral state of being in which i am almost there but not quite. i don't blame anyone; not even work and the busyness it has created and the rest i internally crave. it's just i feel somewhat stuck. it's peculiar actually. i go about my days working hard, eating, sleeping, listening to music, checking facebook, text messaging a friend and falling asleep only to repeat this quotidian routine and although i am not complaining i feel as i've reached my "groundhog day." this odd, nonchalant time in my life where i see everyone racing past me, changing, evolving, accepting, moving on, adapting and forwarding into the future and i feel as if i'm left on a hamster's treadmill aching for freedom.

so what is the remedy i ask myself? sure i could do with something new, something spontaneous, something more. or perhaps i just need to accept that everyone's accepted the fact that life goes on and get over everything that keeps me cemented to my current condition. i admit, i'm not one to get over things. important things i mean (none of this grudge bullshit). but its difficult and a process i am willing but hesitant, unsure, afraid to take.

i think back to january first and the optimism and expectation i bore for this year and although i feel like another crack in the pavement pushover i must say i still carry this hope. for more. for something to finally come into my life and resurrect that fun part in me.

it doesn't have to be in the form of a gorgeous white boy (though that would be lovely), it could simply be a holiday, getting in shape, giving up the cigs, a new hair colour, picking up a bible again or simply saying im sorry and i forgive you. i know its easier said than done but maybe. maybe with this attitude and effort we can get somewhere, rather than sitting, wishing, waiting for fuck all.

love,

thought #184- chicks before dicks.

Day 13: A photo of your best friend(s)

 

although i rarely get to see these two amazing people, madeleine astle & samantha nagle,  i still consider them my two best friends. i adore them immensely. i still manage to be able to heartspill at their presence regardless of the absence and distance. we may have new friends, we may be walking our own respective paths and living our different lives but irrespective of this, somehow at our reunions- be it coffee, dinner, drinks or a party- we return as we never left. still being able to share secrets, laugh at our adventures and remain a call or email away. that is the very definition of best friends. these two crazy bitches haha. bless them.

love,

thought #183- i'm in lesbians with you

i've only ever said " i love you" to a guy once (this is not including the platonic hearts and xx's you conclude text message/emails with). and i didn't even mean it. actually it wasn't that i didn't mean it, i was just unsure of what i meant when i said "i love you". or perhaps i just didn't know what "i love you" really meant. or maybe it was too quick to say, to early to tell. my brain still attempts to conjure such questions to give some justification as to why i said it and why it still haunts my thoughts far more frequently than expected.

they say everything changes as soon you say those three words. it can be a kiss of death or an all expenses paid trip to vegas. but nothing really did change after that. the i love yous just became more frequent and abundant. i guess it is only in the aftermath (where the greatest of lessons are learnt) that i realise it really did change things. it's only in the silence that you truly understand how much it, him and whatever you had possessed together really meant for you.

i remember thinking that i wish i hadn't said those words whilst still in a period of uncertainty. i knew it would block my train of thought in the future like a clog to the artery but i said what i thought was. the point isn't if i still feel the same, or if i regret anything that did or did not happen between us, nor does it have anything to do with whether it is mutual or can ever happen again in the future. i've learnt to be careful in who to say it to and being somewhat sure of what is being spoken. i just ask myself, in retrospect, if i really meant my "i love you." i don't think i'll ever really know until i've experienced this in its totality. however, judging from the fact that i can't seem to stop thinking about what i said, regretting nothing that happened and still not being able to say i love you again to another makes me wonder that maybe what i was on about was true after all. maybe i really did after all.

love,

ps. note to self: next time use sign language

thought #182- rewind, fast forward

2010 was:

to say the least an eventful year. moments, memories that encapsulate and epitomize what 2010 has been can only be associated with change and firsts. i have learn't much, changed much, experienced much and lived much this year. it has sort of become a catalyst in life as if everything in existence as merely placid cruising until this year. i giggle and cringe at the thought of everything that has occurred in this year. the midnight kiss, the messy nights, queensland, the heartaches, the euphorias, the decisions, the letting go and moving on, university, turning eighteen, the vices, hospital, brunches and lunches, meeting new friends and missing the old, writing articles, getting a job and the dwindling faith you feel perpetually convicted by. i've had such an amazing, frustrating, confusing, joyous and blessed year.

2011 will be:

and i say aloud with much hope, even better than the last. what i love is knowing that though 2010 has brought much change and firsts, it has still left 2011 a chance to catch up. there are still so many things to do, people to love, places to go, convictions to attend and a bigger, much more delightful life to live. i enter 2011 with much hope and optimism. who knows, perhaps this is the year to find the boy, finally get my Ps, get inked, quit smoking, get a hd, reacquaint myself with dear friends and make new ones along the way, reinvent my wardrobe and redecorate my room, start fresh with people i still want in life but momentarily took for granted, love my parents more, travel overseas, refrain from alcohol poisoning, learn how to cook, do more live gigs, experiment and expand. i can only hope and pray for a favorable and blessed year ahead.

ps. oh the irony, happy new years lovelies. hope you're partying hard or in my case heartspilling at 1: 24am :)