thought #175- expectations and reality

i recall writing a post earlier on in the year regarding disappointment and expectations. the notion appears to have surfaced once again in my train of thought. the heart aching distance, and gap between what we hope and what really happens. that little bitch, reality. sometimes in life we are fortunate to experience expectations and reality align. we see what we hope for pleasantly blossom into what is presently in front of our hands and the feeling is beyond amazing. sadly, this is not always the case and more frequently (than not) do we find ourselves disappointed by what we pray, wish and finger cross never really going according to our plan or premeditated ideas.

i currently find myself in this pickle, at this present moment in life. not that i have filled myself with unbelievable amounts of expectations. i've actually come to this point in life where i no longer expect anything. i mean i do have hopes and goals and such but in terms of potential loves and the similar, i've adopted the "go with the flow" approach. so far it's been good. apart from the fluctuating periods of utter boredom and restlessness, i find a sense of peace resting placidly over my little ticker.

but i guess circumstances, trivial meetings and routine thoughts have caused a little mess in my once structured approach to relationships. suddenly i find that my subconscious expectations about certain things have been thrown left of centre and i suddenly find myself feeling disappointed. foreign, i know. its as if i thought seeing him again would create this whirlwind of affection to just bloat out of both our chests and that i'd realise i was foolish to ever end anything that we once previously had. but that wasn't the case. and though i'm glad things aren't awkward. i'm also stunted by the triviality, the indifference, the lack of familiarity between us. i mean i wasnt expecting a lust at first sight. but maybe something more than what i'm feeling now. it feels as if in reality our encounter made no difference when in expectation it should have shook or stirred something....

ok now im babbling and heart spilling way too much for my liking. maybe im just overanalysing. maybe this is a sign for me to stop chasing after expectations and start living in reality. whatever happens i just hope things are evolving this way for the better. i might not understand now but i will in time. it after all isn't about me anyway.

love,

ps. exactly.

thought 159#- we're friends not just.

so last week i unintentionally bumped into someone i  had previously adored. adored being an understatement. i was fantastically smitten over this guy to the point of ocd, unable to speak in his presence kind of pathetic shit (come on i was in year eight, give me a break). but anyway, i hadn't physically seen him for over a year so to casually exchange greetings and cheap conversation was nice. but to be honest i couldnt refrain from thinking at the back of my head "wow, i used to like crazy stalker love this guy." it was an awkward thought to be having whilst in mid-conversation but i couldn't help myself. as i walked away from that trivial encounter i realised/accepted something crucial. "we are just friends. and that's how it was always supposed to be." of course it would of saved me innumerable hours and moments of heartache, confusion and what not if i had merely accepted this fact but the journey is far more important than the destination in this context. 

i think its slightly frightening to see someone you used to have a past with, used to feel differently about, have memories that are much more than walking down the street and saying "how's it going?" and find that normality. at the back of your mind you wonder how to act. how can you just be friends when you never started off as one? but once you finally get to that place of realisation, once you are at peace it's honestly amazing. it feels like you're no longer competing or trying to figure something out that isn't even there. the deciphering, the obsessive crazed delusion is washed away by this understanding that life goes on and its very normal to filter through people and where they stand.

i can honestly say i am at rest with the guys who are affiliated with this concept. all but one. but we're getting there. i can finally be happy to say we're just friends and that's how its meant to be. life is so much better facing reality then abusing and bruising yourself over a fantasy, a mendacious hope that he'll wake up and realise we belong or some shit. i mean yes im slightly carnal to say that id be quite satisfied if all the people in the world that cracked open my heart would wake up and realise they want me back but can never again, but other than that im living in hope NOT illusion. if they're meant to be they'll be and if friendship is all that it's meant to be, then so be it.

love,

 

ps. i adore this movie! beyond the fact ryan reynolds graces us with his sexy presence and is momentarily fat and singing i swear haha.  

pps. friperie's spring collection is out pretty bitches and handsome pricks (haha totally kidding). check it out at http://friperiesydney.blogspot.com

thought # 72- im your one way street

dear mutuality,

i absolutely do not get economics. and so instead of thoroughly and vigourously getting my study on, i am once again musing on unnecessary, useless shit (you). i simply cannot put it in any kinder terms haha. i have been feeling things have neither progressed, blossomed, been elucidated, explained, birthed etc. things feel like i'm being chased by those huge boulders on that hilariously painful japanese gameshow mxc, or perhaps entered an elevator with only the down button working. i feel i've been ignored, discarded, used, abused and once i again i know very well things would come to this place YET in all my utter stupidity and emotion fuelled like for you allowed this all.

i miss you. i miss how you used to eliminate feelings such as these with your presence. i miss how your little face would shine upon a situation and things would be dealt with in togethers instead of me giving, giving and giving. i miss that i didnt have to care (in that way) and now that i feign that i don't, its obvious im being pretentious.

so i guess this evening is another a battle for you to return. but i know its not my place, the answer is not for me, and as long as i don't know and as long as i allow this to be, i will always remain as your one way street. giving away remnants of myself with nothing to exchange, clenching my fist at memories, loving strangers, creating dialogue with myself, asking you, mutuality, to support my fucked up fantasies. though i know you are fair, and i know you will always nod your little head and comfort me in words of "welcome to reality."

love,

ps. sometimes you feel like placing this post infront of yourself haha.