thought # 103- why so serious?

i recall my mother's pearls of wisdom (stolen from another smart someone) "it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt." this was usually commented after a harmless game of tag or bullrush turned into a gargantuan bitch fight and often left both parties sobbing endlessly, either broken, bleeding or bruised. i guess the moral of this story still rings truth in life today.

one does not have to look very far but to the issues of the heart to see how getting to know each other, playing the whatever happens, happens game, enjoying each other's company can be all so pleasant and splendid until someone gets hurt, confused, disinterested or worse yet serious. similarly to the movies, we all know that cliched plot of things starting out as a bet, a little non-serious playful game to win the girl until hot male protagonist realises he actually has feelings for her and she finds this isn't serious after all and thus gets angry at him but he apologies ever so romantically and wins her over by some fucked up "i didn't expect to fall in love with you but now i do" spiel. bullshit, but with an element of truth.

 i don't know if you've ever experienced non-mutuality, because from what i can remember it is quite devastating. i wish i had such foolproof advice to assist in avoiding such pain, but then i would of already applied it to my life by now. i guess you really can't blame any of the parties if one strays or the other falls deeper. sometimes you don't anticipate reactions, the heart is just as intelligent in fooling as the mind.

i guess you could say if you want to play then play, if you want to be serious than be serious. but its so effortless to draw the line. what happens when you don't expect one from the other and it just merely happens? its all a little perplexing i guess. but perhaps before anything else, maybe we should stop playing games and start getting serious with one person before pursuing anything else...

ourselves.

love,

ps. no comment! thought it was going to be better.
pps. i never knew freddy krueger was a pedo and a gardener haha.

thought #98- if it's too good to be true

then it probably is. perhaps i'm just being paranoid, perhaps it's the annoying presence of winter weather, perhaps university is scrunching its fists with my tired self within its contents, perhaps i'm just being fucking pathetic... this week has been a struggle. im in such a terrible mood. one that is situated between the indents of sadness, fear, apathy, selfishness, nonchalance and pessimism. perhaps i should pray about it, im ashamed to say i haven't done that in awhile. our dnm is long overdue.

lately i have been brooding over things. many things. from the paltry details to the very fabric of existence. it feels like the motion of all that has been occurring is overwhelming yet exciting, unexpected yet euphoric, terrifying yet pleasant. it feels like i've been encased in this irony. people, places, things and moments all appear foreign but amazing. prior to the arrival of this craptastic phase, life was relatively great. yet i cannot help but feel sceptic about it all. frightened perhaps that things are going too well and life is going too great that there is bound to be the gravitational catalyst which pulls us all down and breaks as all apart. i refrain from being too happy, too attached, too hopeful, too expectant. i don't want to suffocate the nothing we have. i don't want to ruin anything with assumption. but one can only give me a break to think that i fear you will get sick/bored of me, i fear that this is only transitory, i fear that this isn't just a phase, i fear i will be forever fearing.

perhaps i've just forgotten how to relax. all this uncertainty is unhealthy.
perhaps...

love,

ps. i like this photo. if life had a shape what would it be? 

thought # 72- im your one way street

dear mutuality,

i absolutely do not get economics. and so instead of thoroughly and vigourously getting my study on, i am once again musing on unnecessary, useless shit (you). i simply cannot put it in any kinder terms haha. i have been feeling things have neither progressed, blossomed, been elucidated, explained, birthed etc. things feel like i'm being chased by those huge boulders on that hilariously painful japanese gameshow mxc, or perhaps entered an elevator with only the down button working. i feel i've been ignored, discarded, used, abused and once i again i know very well things would come to this place YET in all my utter stupidity and emotion fuelled like for you allowed this all.

i miss you. i miss how you used to eliminate feelings such as these with your presence. i miss how your little face would shine upon a situation and things would be dealt with in togethers instead of me giving, giving and giving. i miss that i didnt have to care (in that way) and now that i feign that i don't, its obvious im being pretentious.

so i guess this evening is another a battle for you to return. but i know its not my place, the answer is not for me, and as long as i don't know and as long as i allow this to be, i will always remain as your one way street. giving away remnants of myself with nothing to exchange, clenching my fist at memories, loving strangers, creating dialogue with myself, asking you, mutuality, to support my fucked up fantasies. though i know you are fair, and i know you will always nod your little head and comfort me in words of "welcome to reality."

love,

ps. sometimes you feel like placing this post infront of yourself haha.