So it's almost been a week since I packed my bags, bid Sydney farewell and giddily left for my exciting temporary London life. So far it's been mundane and tame but I'm not complaining because heck i'm a thousand miles away from home and I don't think this chance will come again any time soon. I'm basking in the lazy life before Uni preoccupies my days and I have to force myself to get back to the routine of study and normal human sleeping patterns. Perhaps it's homesickness or this ridiculous sudden change of pace and perspective for me... But it really feels like something a little life changing is going to happen soon and I'm both stoked and scared shitless by it all. I guess after all the honeymoon phase of independent bliss has worn off I wonder how I'll get back to the old life & if i can actually return. I know in sounding like a dramatic wench right here but I've never been one to embrace change naturally. I mean I tend to always be the one who is always complaining about needing to turn tables and see new sides, sights and faces but part of me is anxious to keep precious relationships and values and beliefs in tact... But what if it can't happen when I get back? What if I become so far off or suddenly deranged? I know I'm overreacting but I guess this desire for a new identity was much more easier said in theory than reality. But this doesn't mean I'm going to hold back in the life living and once in a life time experiences and opportunities that come my way in the next 6 months. It just means that I may do some crazy things and maybe make a few "learning" mistakes and I may change in perspective and attitude towards life and the world but at the end of the day it's all about keeping yourself true to who you are, who your Creator fashioned you to be and not getting lost in carnality or have your soul snatched up by selfishness. It's a big world out there with innumerable decisions to be made for a life only lived and given once... You do the math.
Love,
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
thought #249- London town love
after many months of the silent treatment, working hard for the monies and a relentless 20 hour plane ride, i have finally arrived in the land of perpetual dreary weather, reliable public transport systems, gorgeous accents and equally gorgeous men... london! i know i'm a little delayed in the recounting but i've been preoccupied with jet lag, adjusting to sleeping patterns, getting my way around, shopping away my monthly allowance and getting used to the reality that i'm in this alone. every time i think about it, the thought is bittersweet. i mean half of me knows this is exactly what i wanted to be half way across the world in a foreign country, finding fragments of myself along the way. but of course the latter half misses the comfort, familiarity and the favourite people in my life. but in totality i'm ridiculously excited about what will happen and how life will pan out for the next six months. yes the excitement is peppered with fear, frustration, uncertainty and temptation but most of all it's illuminated by this sense of hope. hope that whatever i was thinking before i left will find an answer or at least peace and whatever i am wishing for now will find its way here too. all this potential is making me excited. seriously all i want to do is wander, and get lost and fall in love and write about it and take photos. i know it sounds so whimsical and romantic but with a time limit on me, i'm prepared to temporarily bury my heartless, cold bitch demeanour and embrace everything. i'm actually looking forward to moving into the apartment and going to uni and perhaps even be social for once haha. until my next "wanderlust" entry about some crazy thing i've done... big hugs and love and missing home incredibly but loving each moment of being away.
love,
PS. the beautiful river thames.
love,
Sunday, July 15, 2012
thought #248- alternate realities
we would meet outside a pub, his body leaning with a peculiar deftness. he would appear confident, indifferent and effortless. his locks would be overgrown; facial hair. tattoos scrawled across his flesh. he would wear ripped clothing coupled with vintage and worn in leather. scuffed boots at his feet. he would talk lazily, a drawl summoned on his own accord. he would know no hue but black and white. his lips curled, he would smell of rich alpine, cigarette smoke and whiskey. i would watch him play, strum his guitar and recklessly plunge his throat into the unfathomable depths of a melody. we would share in cheap conversation, he would forget my name twice. he would offer me a paradise taken by the tounge. perhaps there may be a morning after.
we would meet in an office. at the very first board meeting. our eyes would casually rest on each other. it would be slightly awkward and we refrain from smiling at each other. he would be young and fresh from university. he would have hair the colour of sand tread upon by innumerable travellers. he would have a british accent and a lean, tall body that would somewhat hint years of polo and privileged living. he would be shy to ask at first but summon the courage to engage in small talk. he would eventually take me out to lunch. to sushi. we would agree on different dishes. we would find plenty of similarities and differences. we would leave flirtatious post-it notes on each other's desk. perhaps there may be a relationship in there somewhere.
we would meet at a mutual friend's wedding. he would be a friend of the groom, i a friend of the bride's. he would be a brunette, blue eyed, cute. unconventionally handsome. he would quote movie lines from every film imaginable and hum theme songs of television series habitually. we would be forced to engage in endless hours of torturous dancing and preparation. at first we would not be attracted to one another but as the weeks spent together accumulate, a sort of fondness lingers. we would spend the wedding day at each other's side. i would fall asleep on his shoulder and he would tuck me into bed. perhaps there maybe a call me after.
we would meet in a foreign country. i would ask him for directions and he would offer to walk with me. he would be handsome; older. he would be successful, conservative. he would mention that he was a widow but have no children. he would be emotional, yet driven. sensitive yet sensible. he would ask for my name and forget no detail in what i've shared. he would pepper our conversation with pearls of wisdom and paragons of proverbs. he would drop me at my desired location and tip his hat courteously. he will ask to see me again, take me to a deserted beach or mountain range untainted and unspoilt by human perversion. perhaps there may be an intimacy, perhaps an unorthodox connection.
we would have known each other all our lives, where we first met would be trivial detail. he would almost be a sibling. we would do life with each other and see other people. fall in love with other people. kiss each other at 13 on new years eve and feel nothing remotely romantic about the moment. we would engage in dead-end jobs, complain about the confining world of tertiatry education and spend weekends watching movies, emptying bottles of wine and rolling jays. we would graduate and i would move north and consequently leave him behind and he would feign that he didn't care, play platonic and distant and wish me the best and subtly hint the numerous flings i would have with strange european hunks. we would spend the last day before my flight in his bed, talking and crying and feeling pathetic but more so real. we would feel it, whatever it is. i would hate him for not persuading me to stay. he will refer to me as his best friend. perhaps there may be an ending to it.
love,
we would meet in an office. at the very first board meeting. our eyes would casually rest on each other. it would be slightly awkward and we refrain from smiling at each other. he would be young and fresh from university. he would have hair the colour of sand tread upon by innumerable travellers. he would have a british accent and a lean, tall body that would somewhat hint years of polo and privileged living. he would be shy to ask at first but summon the courage to engage in small talk. he would eventually take me out to lunch. to sushi. we would agree on different dishes. we would find plenty of similarities and differences. we would leave flirtatious post-it notes on each other's desk. perhaps there may be a relationship in there somewhere.
we would meet at a mutual friend's wedding. he would be a friend of the groom, i a friend of the bride's. he would be a brunette, blue eyed, cute. unconventionally handsome. he would quote movie lines from every film imaginable and hum theme songs of television series habitually. we would be forced to engage in endless hours of torturous dancing and preparation. at first we would not be attracted to one another but as the weeks spent together accumulate, a sort of fondness lingers. we would spend the wedding day at each other's side. i would fall asleep on his shoulder and he would tuck me into bed. perhaps there maybe a call me after.
we would meet in a foreign country. i would ask him for directions and he would offer to walk with me. he would be handsome; older. he would be successful, conservative. he would mention that he was a widow but have no children. he would be emotional, yet driven. sensitive yet sensible. he would ask for my name and forget no detail in what i've shared. he would pepper our conversation with pearls of wisdom and paragons of proverbs. he would drop me at my desired location and tip his hat courteously. he will ask to see me again, take me to a deserted beach or mountain range untainted and unspoilt by human perversion. perhaps there may be an intimacy, perhaps an unorthodox connection.
we would have known each other all our lives, where we first met would be trivial detail. he would almost be a sibling. we would do life with each other and see other people. fall in love with other people. kiss each other at 13 on new years eve and feel nothing remotely romantic about the moment. we would engage in dead-end jobs, complain about the confining world of tertiatry education and spend weekends watching movies, emptying bottles of wine and rolling jays. we would graduate and i would move north and consequently leave him behind and he would feign that he didn't care, play platonic and distant and wish me the best and subtly hint the numerous flings i would have with strange european hunks. we would spend the last day before my flight in his bed, talking and crying and feeling pathetic but more so real. we would feel it, whatever it is. i would hate him for not persuading me to stay. he will refer to me as his best friend. perhaps there may be an ending to it.
love,
Saturday, June 30, 2012
thought # 247- the human in me
i have this theory that whenever i open myself to someone or even consider the possibility of letting my heart work again (beyond its main purpose of oxidising my blood and keeping me alive), i lose my cool and fuck it up. always. i play it unromantic and nonchalant externally while my insides boil with suspicion, hope, hormones and expectancy. and it seems to be fine for as long as the chase can perpetuate. until it's revealed that the feeling is mutual and suddenly i am forced to ponder on the thought of actually entering into a serious relationship. and of course i don't, because i'm emotionally damaged and have commitment issues, which leads me to act as if i am in a relationship without the label. and then, served with a dose of overanalysation, things just go down hill from there. i get too needy, too anxious, too apprehensive, too easily upset over things that never upset me in the past. i begin to wonder and concentrate and dwell on some sordid fantasy that i've concocted in my mind and think to myself it's over again. over before it's fucking begun. it seriously happens all the time. i say i won't get attached but then i write about it in the middle of the night believing that this virtual vent will somehow ease the craziness of my internal condition like an alcoholic to his liquor or the addict to his smack. and i am so easy to deny it. to feign that i don't care, that it doesn't affect me, that i'm not making a big deal about it. but the shit thing is that i do. that a lot of things mean so much more than i say or reflect. i dislike revealing this, but its truly the small and quotidian things that happen in my day that make me feel assured. that somehow tame my qualms and make me not overanalyse. from the impersonal drunken text message, to the good morning call, to that tuesday lunch date to the saturday night skype session. for me, those small and seemingly banals acts are what keeps me sane. so to break from anything pertaining to routine in this case gives me the shits and makes me question whether things are falling apart.
i guess it's just the human, more specifically the woman, in me talking. i hope it's only being tired and wired and baked to the bone that's resulted in this awkward and slightly embarrassing confession. but i don't want to pretend anymore. yes i'm sad about it. but no i don't want to let it get to me. His mercies are new every morning. let's just hope this will, like every other feeling, boy, heartache, happiness and everything else does, pass.
love,
i guess it's just the human, more specifically the woman, in me talking. i hope it's only being tired and wired and baked to the bone that's resulted in this awkward and slightly embarrassing confession. but i don't want to pretend anymore. yes i'm sad about it. but no i don't want to let it get to me. His mercies are new every morning. let's just hope this will, like every other feeling, boy, heartache, happiness and everything else does, pass.
love,
Monday, June 18, 2012
thought #246- the breakdown
to speak plainly, i have been single for awhile. however this has only be constrained to a merely marital title, facebook status and the centre of my typically depressing whinge tweets. because mentally and emotionally i feel i have been in some sort of single-sided relationship where i can't let go of the past for equally as long as i've been typified as forever alone. frankly it's become no longer a relationship with the former favourite boy but the thought of him. as a result of this, i have a question mark attributed to even the slightest smidgeon of thought pertaining to him. this unfinished business has led me to become somewhat sceptical, nonchalant and estranged from the idea of a real relationship with anyone else. for me, this situation is both frustrating and frightening. it's beyond the attempt of trying to find someone to blame or forgive. it's beyond high school crushes and frivolous feelings. it's all about the doubt and uncertainty we've let settle between us. this sort of veil that has blurred our real vision of what we see in each other. irregardless if i'm the only one thinking and feeling this way while he's moved on. i need this closure. but then i think to myself. do i really want this closure? i mean yes i want an explanation and some sort of light but do i want to hear that he feels nothing for me and sees no possible future, or worse yet that he still feels the same? will us finally meeting and sitting down and elucidating what years of trying to evade reality give us answers and let us move on with our lives like a light-hearted romantic comedy? what if it just makes things worse? what if it makes us want to try again?
and then there is the best friend. the person who has always been there as a platonic pillar of stability and sanity even during the times when former favourite boy still existed. the person you had always been attracted to but never tread on the notion of a relationship because you're just another one of the boys to him. i have much to owe and thank the best friend, for distracting me during the dark times when a lack of closure made me question ever being able to let someone in again and maybe falling for someone again. unbeknown to myself, i was doing this with him. that despite his encouraging thoughts conjured by my impending six-month trip to londontown and the possibility of finding a european babe that might once and for all get every horrible feeling of wanting closure and general amour for this former favourite boy out of my system, i was still feeling a little more than i should for him. i had actually surrendered my silly stupor of thinking i could get with my best friend and had almost buried the idea of thinking anything could happen for something we could laugh about five years later when this strictly friends business took a turn, that obviously altered the fabrications of our friendship. suddenly the possibility of what happens if something happens between us before i go? i know we agreed to not think that we're waiting on any of us but can we both handle the thought of meeting someone else while we're apart? and what about this amazing friendship that could potentially be ruined? suddenly i was potentially not only leaving behind a lack of closure but also the thought that i could be with someone if i wasn't going away.
suddenly it was some sort of sacrificial fuckery that i did not plan to be involved in before leaving. i mean the last thing i wanted before going was leaving anything behind and now i'm at the crux of potentially placing question marks all over my life here when i am too far away to fix anything over there. right now to be honest i don't know what i want. i do know that i still have a bit more time to somehow tidy things up so that i can leave on a good note. probably not a confirmed note, but on a basis where i'm on good terms with the former favourite boy and we've said what we needed to say and leave it to the future and His perfectly ordained time. and to leave where the best friend and i keep our friendship in tact and be prepared to get a little hurt if the worst case scenario comes and understand that our friendship may not ever be the same again but to know that if distance really makes the heart grow fonder and this is not just a phase then maybe it's meant to be. and as for me, i want to leave with an open heart about everything. to enjoy the experience instead of sulk and whinge about leaving people, places and familiarity behind. because i know for a fact that time will take its course, i will mature and experience new things and be enlightened and cultured and blessed and messed by it all. and if by chance that euro babe comes along then it's meant to be. If not then there's a greater plan and purpose to it all.
so with two and a bit more months left, here I go trying to mend the breakdown.
love,
and then there is the best friend. the person who has always been there as a platonic pillar of stability and sanity even during the times when former favourite boy still existed. the person you had always been attracted to but never tread on the notion of a relationship because you're just another one of the boys to him. i have much to owe and thank the best friend, for distracting me during the dark times when a lack of closure made me question ever being able to let someone in again and maybe falling for someone again. unbeknown to myself, i was doing this with him. that despite his encouraging thoughts conjured by my impending six-month trip to londontown and the possibility of finding a european babe that might once and for all get every horrible feeling of wanting closure and general amour for this former favourite boy out of my system, i was still feeling a little more than i should for him. i had actually surrendered my silly stupor of thinking i could get with my best friend and had almost buried the idea of thinking anything could happen for something we could laugh about five years later when this strictly friends business took a turn, that obviously altered the fabrications of our friendship. suddenly the possibility of what happens if something happens between us before i go? i know we agreed to not think that we're waiting on any of us but can we both handle the thought of meeting someone else while we're apart? and what about this amazing friendship that could potentially be ruined? suddenly i was potentially not only leaving behind a lack of closure but also the thought that i could be with someone if i wasn't going away.
suddenly it was some sort of sacrificial fuckery that i did not plan to be involved in before leaving. i mean the last thing i wanted before going was leaving anything behind and now i'm at the crux of potentially placing question marks all over my life here when i am too far away to fix anything over there. right now to be honest i don't know what i want. i do know that i still have a bit more time to somehow tidy things up so that i can leave on a good note. probably not a confirmed note, but on a basis where i'm on good terms with the former favourite boy and we've said what we needed to say and leave it to the future and His perfectly ordained time. and to leave where the best friend and i keep our friendship in tact and be prepared to get a little hurt if the worst case scenario comes and understand that our friendship may not ever be the same again but to know that if distance really makes the heart grow fonder and this is not just a phase then maybe it's meant to be. and as for me, i want to leave with an open heart about everything. to enjoy the experience instead of sulk and whinge about leaving people, places and familiarity behind. because i know for a fact that time will take its course, i will mature and experience new things and be enlightened and cultured and blessed and messed by it all. and if by chance that euro babe comes along then it's meant to be. If not then there's a greater plan and purpose to it all.
so with two and a bit more months left, here I go trying to mend the breakdown.
love,
Thursday, June 14, 2012
thought #245: who knows where that might lead?
yes i feel slightly relieved and glad. yes i feel frightened and hesitant. yes i want to be with you but at the same time yes i need to get away from you. yes you make good company. yes i actually look forward to spending time alone with you. yes i feel i could snuggle in your presence perpetually. yes i sometimes have that feeling of wanting to kiss you. yes there's sexual tension. yes i'm happy that we're not together too and we don't have to be. yes i'm fine with being how we are and never having to be more or less than what we are now. yes we're still just friends.
and
no i'm not going to act like your girlfriend. no i don't think about you incessantly. no i don't want to commit but at the same time no i don't want this to be some flimsy carnal one nighter sort of agreement. no i don't overanalyse every little thing. no, these revelations don't have to change what we have now. no i'm not looking to be anything more than your company. no im not "glad" i'm leaving and no i'm not expecting you to wait for me.
and
maybe we'll get together. maybe it'll just be this one time we let our guards down and weaknesses dictate our direction. maybe it'll be one night or one kiss and that's it. maybe we'll realise we're meant for each or maybe we'll realise we're too much alike to be for each other. maybe we'll stay as friends and laugh about the time we almost became more. maybe we'll fuck this all up and stop talking to each other. maybe it'll never be the same again, for better or worse. maybe we'll never take the chance and remain frigid all our lives. maybe we'll be cowards. maybe we'll be brave. maybe one of us will stop caring. maybe one us will get tired. maybe one of us will cave in. maybe one of us will move on to who we're supposed to be with or maybe this is just another season in our lives where our task is to learn lessons from each other.
who knows where this is all going?
love,
ps. ah heart you illogical, risk taking bastard haha
and
no i'm not going to act like your girlfriend. no i don't think about you incessantly. no i don't want to commit but at the same time no i don't want this to be some flimsy carnal one nighter sort of agreement. no i don't overanalyse every little thing. no, these revelations don't have to change what we have now. no i'm not looking to be anything more than your company. no im not "glad" i'm leaving and no i'm not expecting you to wait for me.
and
maybe we'll get together. maybe it'll just be this one time we let our guards down and weaknesses dictate our direction. maybe it'll be one night or one kiss and that's it. maybe we'll realise we're meant for each or maybe we'll realise we're too much alike to be for each other. maybe we'll stay as friends and laugh about the time we almost became more. maybe we'll fuck this all up and stop talking to each other. maybe it'll never be the same again, for better or worse. maybe we'll never take the chance and remain frigid all our lives. maybe we'll be cowards. maybe we'll be brave. maybe one of us will stop caring. maybe one us will get tired. maybe one of us will cave in. maybe one of us will move on to who we're supposed to be with or maybe this is just another season in our lives where our task is to learn lessons from each other.
who knows where this is all going?
love,
Saturday, May 26, 2012
thought # 242- back on the bandwagon
apologies for my cold shoulder treatment lately. it's been a concoction of busy, surprising, boring and cold (both to describe the state of my health and the weather forecast). since my last stressful post, i am feeling much less anxious and a little more at ease despite my impending final semester exams. before i divulge in greater detail about the changes and thoughts that have taken captive over my capacity to think, i must say these past few weeks of freed up space to think, muse, sleep, sing, indulge and spend quality time with some of my beloveds has been utterly divine. perhaps it truly was a blessing in disguise to have been let off from zanui and find time to actually live a little as opposed to my six day working week and full time uni workload extravaganza. during this time i've been honestly self-indulgent and rather reckless with my consumption of caffeine, cigarettes and junk food which, combined with the dangerous ingredient of freezing weather has caused me to feel lethargic, fat and unfit. but on the upside, i guess it's what i need to keep me sane. now onto the big stuff. firstly, i've gotten a job at the iconic doing content writing (what my previous job entailed). i start on monday and i'm beyond excited to get back to the office grind. just hoping my new family will be just as lovely as my zanui girls and boy. i am so blessed to have gotten the job and at perfect timing too! second, my free time has caused me to spend more time with one of my best guy friends. yes this is the boy i carelessly and non-subtly heartspilled over. to be honest that situation leaves me in some sort of mixed signal limbo. i understand that i stand very friend-zoned with him and though he is purely platonic with things, it's hard not to feel irregular beyond platonic feelings. it's frustrating to an extent and often very hard to tell but i draw the line at overanalysing and understand where i stand and let things come as they may. i do enjoy the company and i should be grateful that someone like this exists in my life to which i can be that comfortable. i guess sometimes being so compatible or similar in your weaknesses is what can be the hindering factor of it all. third is news about londontown. so after their horrific absence of communication, last week i was given news that i must renew my passport before an offer letter can be given to me. this important info that could of been mentioned a little earlier meant that i had to quickly renew it last week and am now once again back on the waiting game for my new passport to arrive. i guess i can only finally breathe easy once i've finally received the offer letter and can finally book flights and get my visa! what else is there? oh i got some new ink too. both representing and pertaining to my family. three lines for my dad, mum and myself which is also the vertical version of an equals to sign. and also a stick figure house (similarly to my childhood doodles). once they heal up i'm planning to add short hand symbols for goodness and abundance at the top and bottom of the house in relation to one of my favourite bible verses Psalms 65:11 "You crown the year with Your goodness, and Your paths drip with abundance."
my addictiveness to ink is frightening me but i have one more planned and may stop after two...
i've also been rehearsing with the boys for an upcoming gig on june 9 saturday at mars hill cafe (shameless self promoting!) details are here: http://www.facebook.com/events/243280245773453
please spread the word and hope to see you all there!
i think that's where the excitement ends for me. hopefully everything just runs smoothly and comes to pass in His perfectly ordained time. hope i also get better from this horrible cold! take care my lovers and will promise to keep you posted and out of the dark more often now haha
love,
my addictiveness to ink is frightening me but i have one more planned and may stop after two...
i've also been rehearsing with the boys for an upcoming gig on june 9 saturday at mars hill cafe (shameless self promoting!) details are here: http://www.facebook.com/events/243280245773453
please spread the word and hope to see you all there!
i think that's where the excitement ends for me. hopefully everything just runs smoothly and comes to pass in His perfectly ordained time. hope i also get better from this horrible cold! take care my lovers and will promise to keep you posted and out of the dark more often now haha
love,
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