thought #245: who knows where that might lead?

yes i feel slightly relieved and glad. yes i feel frightened and hesitant. yes i want to be with you but at the same time yes i need to get away from you. yes you make good company. yes i actually look forward to spending time alone with you. yes i feel i could snuggle in your presence perpetually. yes i sometimes have that feeling of wanting to kiss you. yes there's sexual tension. yes i'm happy that we're not together too and we don't have to be. yes i'm fine with being how we are and never having to be more or less than what we are now. yes we're still just friends.

and

no i'm not going to act like your girlfriend. no i don't think about you incessantly. no i don't want to commit but at the same time no i don't want this to be some flimsy carnal one nighter sort of agreement. no i don't overanalyse every little thing. no, these revelations don't have to change what we have now. no i'm not looking to be anything more than your company. no im not "glad" i'm leaving and no i'm not expecting you to wait for me.

and

maybe we'll get together. maybe it'll just be this one time we let our guards down and weaknesses dictate our direction. maybe it'll be one night or one kiss and that's it. maybe we'll realise we're meant for each or maybe we'll realise we're too much alike to be for each other. maybe we'll stay as friends and laugh about the time we almost became more. maybe we'll fuck this all up and stop talking to each other. maybe it'll never be the same again, for better or worse. maybe we'll never take the chance and remain frigid all our lives. maybe we'll be cowards. maybe we'll be brave. maybe one of us will stop caring. maybe one us will get tired. maybe one of us will cave in. maybe one of us will move on to who we're supposed to be with or maybe this is just another season in our lives where our task is to learn lessons from each other.

who knows where this is all going?

love,

ps. ah heart you illogical, risk taking bastard haha

thought #232- la lumière et obscurité

i never seem to get used to being asked something as simple as "who are you?" i often fumble, nervously giggle, awkwardly attempt to evade the naked truth with something witty and irrelevant. because in actual fact that question is as complex as my internal organs. and honestly it frightens me because i know deep inside i can't genuinely answer that question. being asked "who do you think you are?" is even worse. i might as well be asked why God exists or why boys love the chase and fuck the loving up or why people have to die? i mean who am i to say, does my opinion even constitute or contribute to anything vaguely meaningful? but then again apart from our Creator, i guess i'm the closest human being to knowing who i am the most.

i'll be honest (and not with feigned modesty), talking about who i am is kind of difficult. maybe i'm not the only one here, or maybe i am. i mean i feel awkward already as i type and think about what subject i am about to delve into. perhaps it's the fact that you're sharing/remembering/discovering/rediscovering fragments of your being that you never thought existed. or that you secretly wish didn't exist. we all have that la lumière (light) and obscurité (dark) side to ourselves. we're essentially all walking contradictions and live paradoxes (blame it on human nature). but i guess no matter how aware we are of our weaknesses and strengths, flaws and features and everything in between, the fact that we only know to a certain extent scares us shitless; as if one day we'll wake up, look in the mirror and wholeheartedly not know whose grimace we're starring back at.

from what i do know about myself there are alot of things i appreciate and would rather exchange limbs for about who i am. for one i'm not altogether. i'm not perfect or even good. i try to be a daughter one who desires to make her parents proud. i try to be a good student and finish my degree and get a good job that will sustain my lifestyle and bring comfort to my parents and family in the long run. i have innumerable dreams, big ambitions and goals. i want to travel so badly.  i love to sing and write and watch movies all day long. i have a weakness for handsome europeans, skim mochas, cigarettes, books that i can highlight "epitomic" lines and sushi. i love tea and jelly beans and monochrome outfits and clogs and ink and beautiful paintings and instagraming everything. but i guess all this is surface stuff. things that people already know, regardless if they know me very well or from the constraints of a friendly conversation or mere observation.

but i guess there are other things, like the way i struggle to be happy with my body or the way i wish i was a better Christian. the doubt i have for ever finding someone who i will truly spend the rest of my life with and the feeling that i'm so unworthy if that person ever crosses my path. then there's the fear that i'll never fulfill my dreams and goals and ambitions and live a life reflecting the hard work i put in or one that will make my parents proud. i sometimes have morbid dreams about my death or feel depressed about things in sporadic bouts. then the haunt of past mistakes and decisions. the unnerving questions of why can't i let go? and why should i? and that gut wrenching feeling if this is all meaningless....

i'm obviously not altogether. but i guess this is life. and the answer isn't always for us and this is why journeys exist. but to be optimistic, for every obscurité is la lumière and somehow, no matter how fucked up our decisions are or how life can be we still have freewill and we still have reasons to smile and be thankful. the very fact that we were brought into this planet was no accident and the very reason why i have things to appreciate about life is sometimes just enough to get me by. until i finally crack the code (maybe one day, maybe never) i'll leave the big questions as they are and the self-discovery as they come,

love,

thought #230- big questions, no answers

i'm turning the big 2-0 next year. this is no particularly significant milestone, nor is it anything remarkable. but the fact that i'm shedding my teenage skin, hopefully living in a foreign country and finding who i am seems all so "big deal." it's also forcing me to ponder about the reality of life, the aging process and what i've accomplished to date. i mean i remember being thirteen and thinking that by 20 i would have a banging boyfriend, the biggest social butterfly and all that adult stuff sorted out. fast forward to six years and i still don't know what the hell is going on. i mean i have a plan, not made out of stone but something to keep me preoccupied. i mean i have big dreams and aspirations and fantasies painted vividly in my brain. but at the end of the day they still feel like wishlists i've been composing since i was a child. i find it's moments like these, when i read and listen to other people play out their lives, when i ponder about the future and consider not the prospects but the inevitable morphism into adulthood, that i really ought to do something about it.

it's also times like these i question everything about what i believe, what i want in life, who i'm living for, how to act, how to accept, moving on and moving into new motions of existence. i question where i'll be in ten years, who i'll be with in ten years, will i be living in australia? will i have made something out of myself? will i work a dead end job that i hate? will i become a drug addict? will i become an international superstar? will i live a humble life? will i live a life reflecting not a religion but the greatest person to have ever graced the planet- Jesus Christ? you know deep shit.

i mean i can't help it. it seems like questions such as those automatically come into being at the thought of growing up. i understand, we don't have to have it altogether and things can change. but i wish as i wrote this i could safely say i was content and happy and sure in myself and my faith. but something innate i guess is dormant. maybe i really need to see the world, maybe i need to let loose, maybe i need to learn the lessons (as hard as they can be). maybe then i can see that this life, and all those questions are frivolous if the end goal is to live a life so much bigger than yourself.

love,

ps. it's easier said than done though.