thought #250 - it always works out in theory

So it's almost been a week since I packed my bags, bid Sydney farewell and giddily left for my exciting temporary London life. So far it's been mundane and tame but I'm not complaining because heck i'm a thousand miles away from home and I don't think this chance will come again any time soon. I'm basking in the lazy life before Uni preoccupies my days and I have to force myself to get back to the routine of study and normal human sleeping patterns. Perhaps it's homesickness or this ridiculous sudden change of pace and perspective for me... But it really feels like something a little life changing is going to happen soon and I'm both stoked and scared shitless by it all. I guess after all the honeymoon phase of independent bliss has worn off I wonder how I'll get back to the old life & if i can actually return. I know in sounding like a dramatic wench right here but I've never been one to embrace change naturally. I mean I tend to always be the one who is always complaining about needing to turn tables and see new sides, sights and faces but part of me is anxious to keep precious relationships and values and beliefs in tact... But what if it can't happen when I get back? What if I become so far off or suddenly deranged? I know I'm overreacting but I guess this desire for a new identity was much more easier said in theory than reality. But this doesn't mean I'm going to hold back in the life living and once in a life time experiences and opportunities that come my way in the next 6 months. It just means that I may do some crazy things and maybe make a few "learning" mistakes and I may change in perspective and attitude towards life and the world but at the end of the day it's all about keeping yourself true to who you are, who your Creator fashioned you to be and not getting lost in carnality or have your soul snatched up by selfishness. It's a big world out there with innumerable decisions to be made for a life only lived and given once... You do the math.

Love,

thought# 204- life? this is just practice

i think its easier for me to talk about myself allusively especially when it comes to feelings and emotions and all that shit that ruptures my heart and mind incessantly. maybe because it's easier to reveal yourself when you don't know and don't care who receives your secrets. maybe because it's easier to reveal yourself when the unknown who receive your secrets are unaware of just how much something means to you. i think, through the years, i've mastered this art of becoming indifferent and aloof towards matters pertaining to the heart. i hate saying that i miss someone insanely even when it's all i can think about internally. i hate admitting i still feel for someone even in the midst of entertaining somebody new. i say i'm fine and there's nothing to talk about when my insides are like an overflowing bathtub; i am attempting suicide and half-way through i realise i still want to live but it's too late and i'm thrashing around like a ridiculous fucking lunatic.

i don't do this because i'm a coldhearted bitch. neither is it because i want to display some delusional perception of strength. it just boils down to me being scared. i'm frightened deep down. frightened if there are no barriers between my helpless little self and the wall i build around my weaknesses then i have nothing. i'm not saying i've never given myself away before. i've liked, more than liked, i've shared pieces of my world with others and consequently i've gotten bruised and become road kill. do i regret that i chose to use my heart? hell no. but that doesn't erase the fact that it's just made me scared shitless.

self-preservation perhaps. but whatever it is, i have to be honest, it's not going to change. i guess it's a rehearsal for when the real deal arrives in my life but until then i will keep myself guarded and allow my insides to wallow in their little secrets and be just that little bit frightened, but never shut, to let someone in.

love,

PS."I'm not frightened. I'm not frightened of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love." wish i was like him.

thought#194- sometimes girl

i find when we're together, everything is lovely and dandy and suspiciously effortless. the wretched suburbia, the cheap wine we drink, the faint chill of a saturday night is dispelled momentarily- as if we are two priviledged human beings to be coerced from the infrangible routine of seconds, minutes and hours. past, present and future. the rhythmic beat of air plunging into lungs and blood palipitating through heart- as we sit and talk and live. i slowly allow my brain to no longer function, to give reign to my heart and i find myself laughing hysterically over your antics and starring at your face as if one blink will peel your flawless complexion completely. i am no longer undithering, no longer indecisive. i am no longer questioning who we are to each other, what that means, who i have to be and who i cannot. i am no longer suffocating with what we will do next, whether i will see you again, whether this is casual, whether i will wake up the next morning folded between your bed sheets. i am such a future person. i always think before i do. but this very moment beckons not a forever. i just want your company.

i find when we're apart, i don't miss you. i don't even feel compelled to communicate, sip my tea and smoke my cigarettes in your presence. we live separately, segregated by what we cannot be for each other. i do not feel scattered though i ask myself should i be? should i be nothing without you? but that is foolish talk. idle chatter. we go on about our respectable lives, do what we need to do to be free. i carry the quotidian cross i bare, you sink into anonymity. the world that is so easily forgotten from the times we are together is amplified, magnified. work to be done, life to be lived. it is no longer us but simply you and me and the annihilation of romantic notions and the mind hibernating is left festering like projectile vomit on a highway. we are no longer bored but busy. held captive to our own jealous and dissimilar priorities. i don't even question if you love another (i never ask you about love it gets far too complicated), or if you think of me beyond the constraints of our encounters together. because frankly that is unfair for us both.

when truth be told is we are only sometimes people. drifters into each others existence. and it is not because we don't give a fuck about each other. its just the nature of our relationship. you are my sometimes man, i your sometimes girl. and there is nothing special about anything in between. whether this is a sad reality or not i still do not know. but i do know deep down we're both a little frightened to let anyone else, especially each other, in.

ps. that's how the story goes.