i have this theory that whenever i open myself to someone or even consider the possibility of letting my heart work again (beyond its main purpose of oxidising my blood and keeping me alive), i lose my cool and fuck it up. always. i play it unromantic and nonchalant externally while my insides boil with suspicion, hope, hormones and expectancy. and it seems to be fine for as long as the chase can perpetuate. until it's revealed that the feeling is mutual and suddenly i am forced to ponder on the thought of actually entering into a serious relationship. and of course i don't, because i'm emotionally damaged and have commitment issues, which leads me to act as if i am in a relationship without the label. and then, served with a dose of overanalysation, things just go down hill from there. i get too needy, too anxious, too apprehensive, too easily upset over things that never upset me in the past. i begin to wonder and concentrate and dwell on some sordid fantasy that i've concocted in my mind and think to myself it's over again. over before it's fucking begun. it seriously happens all the time. i say i won't get attached but then i write about it in the middle of the night believing that this virtual vent will somehow ease the craziness of my internal condition like an alcoholic to his liquor or the addict to his smack. and i am so easy to deny it. to feign that i don't care, that it doesn't affect me, that i'm not making a big deal about it. but the shit thing is that i do. that a lot of things mean so much more than i say or reflect. i dislike revealing this, but its truly the small and quotidian things that happen in my day that make me feel assured. that somehow tame my qualms and make me not overanalyse. from the impersonal drunken text message, to the good morning call, to that tuesday lunch date to the saturday night skype session. for me, those small and seemingly banals acts are what keeps me sane. so to break from anything pertaining to routine in this case gives me the shits and makes me question whether things are falling apart.
i guess it's just the human, more specifically the woman, in me talking. i hope it's only being tired and wired and baked to the bone that's resulted in this awkward and slightly embarrassing confession. but i don't want to pretend anymore. yes i'm sad about it. but no i don't want to let it get to me. His mercies are new every morning. let's just hope this will, like every other feeling, boy, heartache, happiness and everything else does, pass.
love,
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
thought #246- the breakdown
to speak plainly, i have been single for awhile. however this has only be constrained to a merely marital title, facebook status and the centre of my typically depressing whinge tweets. because mentally and emotionally i feel i have been in some sort of single-sided relationship where i can't let go of the past for equally as long as i've been typified as forever alone. frankly it's become no longer a relationship with the former favourite boy but the thought of him. as a result of this, i have a question mark attributed to even the slightest smidgeon of thought pertaining to him. this unfinished business has led me to become somewhat sceptical, nonchalant and estranged from the idea of a real relationship with anyone else. for me, this situation is both frustrating and frightening. it's beyond the attempt of trying to find someone to blame or forgive. it's beyond high school crushes and frivolous feelings. it's all about the doubt and uncertainty we've let settle between us. this sort of veil that has blurred our real vision of what we see in each other. irregardless if i'm the only one thinking and feeling this way while he's moved on. i need this closure. but then i think to myself. do i really want this closure? i mean yes i want an explanation and some sort of light but do i want to hear that he feels nothing for me and sees no possible future, or worse yet that he still feels the same? will us finally meeting and sitting down and elucidating what years of trying to evade reality give us answers and let us move on with our lives like a light-hearted romantic comedy? what if it just makes things worse? what if it makes us want to try again?
and then there is the best friend. the person who has always been there as a platonic pillar of stability and sanity even during the times when former favourite boy still existed. the person you had always been attracted to but never tread on the notion of a relationship because you're just another one of the boys to him. i have much to owe and thank the best friend, for distracting me during the dark times when a lack of closure made me question ever being able to let someone in again and maybe falling for someone again. unbeknown to myself, i was doing this with him. that despite his encouraging thoughts conjured by my impending six-month trip to londontown and the possibility of finding a european babe that might once and for all get every horrible feeling of wanting closure and general amour for this former favourite boy out of my system, i was still feeling a little more than i should for him. i had actually surrendered my silly stupor of thinking i could get with my best friend and had almost buried the idea of thinking anything could happen for something we could laugh about five years later when this strictly friends business took a turn, that obviously altered the fabrications of our friendship. suddenly the possibility of what happens if something happens between us before i go? i know we agreed to not think that we're waiting on any of us but can we both handle the thought of meeting someone else while we're apart? and what about this amazing friendship that could potentially be ruined? suddenly i was potentially not only leaving behind a lack of closure but also the thought that i could be with someone if i wasn't going away.
suddenly it was some sort of sacrificial fuckery that i did not plan to be involved in before leaving. i mean the last thing i wanted before going was leaving anything behind and now i'm at the crux of potentially placing question marks all over my life here when i am too far away to fix anything over there. right now to be honest i don't know what i want. i do know that i still have a bit more time to somehow tidy things up so that i can leave on a good note. probably not a confirmed note, but on a basis where i'm on good terms with the former favourite boy and we've said what we needed to say and leave it to the future and His perfectly ordained time. and to leave where the best friend and i keep our friendship in tact and be prepared to get a little hurt if the worst case scenario comes and understand that our friendship may not ever be the same again but to know that if distance really makes the heart grow fonder and this is not just a phase then maybe it's meant to be. and as for me, i want to leave with an open heart about everything. to enjoy the experience instead of sulk and whinge about leaving people, places and familiarity behind. because i know for a fact that time will take its course, i will mature and experience new things and be enlightened and cultured and blessed and messed by it all. and if by chance that euro babe comes along then it's meant to be. If not then there's a greater plan and purpose to it all.
so with two and a bit more months left, here I go trying to mend the breakdown.
love,
and then there is the best friend. the person who has always been there as a platonic pillar of stability and sanity even during the times when former favourite boy still existed. the person you had always been attracted to but never tread on the notion of a relationship because you're just another one of the boys to him. i have much to owe and thank the best friend, for distracting me during the dark times when a lack of closure made me question ever being able to let someone in again and maybe falling for someone again. unbeknown to myself, i was doing this with him. that despite his encouraging thoughts conjured by my impending six-month trip to londontown and the possibility of finding a european babe that might once and for all get every horrible feeling of wanting closure and general amour for this former favourite boy out of my system, i was still feeling a little more than i should for him. i had actually surrendered my silly stupor of thinking i could get with my best friend and had almost buried the idea of thinking anything could happen for something we could laugh about five years later when this strictly friends business took a turn, that obviously altered the fabrications of our friendship. suddenly the possibility of what happens if something happens between us before i go? i know we agreed to not think that we're waiting on any of us but can we both handle the thought of meeting someone else while we're apart? and what about this amazing friendship that could potentially be ruined? suddenly i was potentially not only leaving behind a lack of closure but also the thought that i could be with someone if i wasn't going away.
suddenly it was some sort of sacrificial fuckery that i did not plan to be involved in before leaving. i mean the last thing i wanted before going was leaving anything behind and now i'm at the crux of potentially placing question marks all over my life here when i am too far away to fix anything over there. right now to be honest i don't know what i want. i do know that i still have a bit more time to somehow tidy things up so that i can leave on a good note. probably not a confirmed note, but on a basis where i'm on good terms with the former favourite boy and we've said what we needed to say and leave it to the future and His perfectly ordained time. and to leave where the best friend and i keep our friendship in tact and be prepared to get a little hurt if the worst case scenario comes and understand that our friendship may not ever be the same again but to know that if distance really makes the heart grow fonder and this is not just a phase then maybe it's meant to be. and as for me, i want to leave with an open heart about everything. to enjoy the experience instead of sulk and whinge about leaving people, places and familiarity behind. because i know for a fact that time will take its course, i will mature and experience new things and be enlightened and cultured and blessed and messed by it all. and if by chance that euro babe comes along then it's meant to be. If not then there's a greater plan and purpose to it all.
so with two and a bit more months left, here I go trying to mend the breakdown.
love,
Thursday, June 14, 2012
thought #245: who knows where that might lead?
yes i feel slightly relieved and glad. yes i feel frightened and hesitant. yes i want to be with you but at the same time yes i need to get away from you. yes you make good company. yes i actually look forward to spending time alone with you. yes i feel i could snuggle in your presence perpetually. yes i sometimes have that feeling of wanting to kiss you. yes there's sexual tension. yes i'm happy that we're not together too and we don't have to be. yes i'm fine with being how we are and never having to be more or less than what we are now. yes we're still just friends.
and
no i'm not going to act like your girlfriend. no i don't think about you incessantly. no i don't want to commit but at the same time no i don't want this to be some flimsy carnal one nighter sort of agreement. no i don't overanalyse every little thing. no, these revelations don't have to change what we have now. no i'm not looking to be anything more than your company. no im not "glad" i'm leaving and no i'm not expecting you to wait for me.
and
maybe we'll get together. maybe it'll just be this one time we let our guards down and weaknesses dictate our direction. maybe it'll be one night or one kiss and that's it. maybe we'll realise we're meant for each or maybe we'll realise we're too much alike to be for each other. maybe we'll stay as friends and laugh about the time we almost became more. maybe we'll fuck this all up and stop talking to each other. maybe it'll never be the same again, for better or worse. maybe we'll never take the chance and remain frigid all our lives. maybe we'll be cowards. maybe we'll be brave. maybe one of us will stop caring. maybe one us will get tired. maybe one of us will cave in. maybe one of us will move on to who we're supposed to be with or maybe this is just another season in our lives where our task is to learn lessons from each other.
who knows where this is all going?
love,
ps. ah heart you illogical, risk taking bastard haha
and
no i'm not going to act like your girlfriend. no i don't think about you incessantly. no i don't want to commit but at the same time no i don't want this to be some flimsy carnal one nighter sort of agreement. no i don't overanalyse every little thing. no, these revelations don't have to change what we have now. no i'm not looking to be anything more than your company. no im not "glad" i'm leaving and no i'm not expecting you to wait for me.
and
maybe we'll get together. maybe it'll just be this one time we let our guards down and weaknesses dictate our direction. maybe it'll be one night or one kiss and that's it. maybe we'll realise we're meant for each or maybe we'll realise we're too much alike to be for each other. maybe we'll stay as friends and laugh about the time we almost became more. maybe we'll fuck this all up and stop talking to each other. maybe it'll never be the same again, for better or worse. maybe we'll never take the chance and remain frigid all our lives. maybe we'll be cowards. maybe we'll be brave. maybe one of us will stop caring. maybe one us will get tired. maybe one of us will cave in. maybe one of us will move on to who we're supposed to be with or maybe this is just another season in our lives where our task is to learn lessons from each other.
who knows where this is all going?
love,
Saturday, May 26, 2012
thought # 242- back on the bandwagon
apologies for my cold shoulder treatment lately. it's been a concoction of busy, surprising, boring and cold (both to describe the state of my health and the weather forecast). since my last stressful post, i am feeling much less anxious and a little more at ease despite my impending final semester exams. before i divulge in greater detail about the changes and thoughts that have taken captive over my capacity to think, i must say these past few weeks of freed up space to think, muse, sleep, sing, indulge and spend quality time with some of my beloveds has been utterly divine. perhaps it truly was a blessing in disguise to have been let off from zanui and find time to actually live a little as opposed to my six day working week and full time uni workload extravaganza. during this time i've been honestly self-indulgent and rather reckless with my consumption of caffeine, cigarettes and junk food which, combined with the dangerous ingredient of freezing weather has caused me to feel lethargic, fat and unfit. but on the upside, i guess it's what i need to keep me sane. now onto the big stuff. firstly, i've gotten a job at the iconic doing content writing (what my previous job entailed). i start on monday and i'm beyond excited to get back to the office grind. just hoping my new family will be just as lovely as my zanui girls and boy. i am so blessed to have gotten the job and at perfect timing too! second, my free time has caused me to spend more time with one of my best guy friends. yes this is the boy i carelessly and non-subtly heartspilled over. to be honest that situation leaves me in some sort of mixed signal limbo. i understand that i stand very friend-zoned with him and though he is purely platonic with things, it's hard not to feel irregular beyond platonic feelings. it's frustrating to an extent and often very hard to tell but i draw the line at overanalysing and understand where i stand and let things come as they may. i do enjoy the company and i should be grateful that someone like this exists in my life to which i can be that comfortable. i guess sometimes being so compatible or similar in your weaknesses is what can be the hindering factor of it all. third is news about londontown. so after their horrific absence of communication, last week i was given news that i must renew my passport before an offer letter can be given to me. this important info that could of been mentioned a little earlier meant that i had to quickly renew it last week and am now once again back on the waiting game for my new passport to arrive. i guess i can only finally breathe easy once i've finally received the offer letter and can finally book flights and get my visa! what else is there? oh i got some new ink too. both representing and pertaining to my family. three lines for my dad, mum and myself which is also the vertical version of an equals to sign. and also a stick figure house (similarly to my childhood doodles). once they heal up i'm planning to add short hand symbols for goodness and abundance at the top and bottom of the house in relation to one of my favourite bible verses Psalms 65:11 "You crown the year with Your goodness, and Your paths drip with abundance."
my addictiveness to ink is frightening me but i have one more planned and may stop after two...
i've also been rehearsing with the boys for an upcoming gig on june 9 saturday at mars hill cafe (shameless self promoting!) details are here: http://www.facebook.com/events/243280245773453
please spread the word and hope to see you all there!
i think that's where the excitement ends for me. hopefully everything just runs smoothly and comes to pass in His perfectly ordained time. hope i also get better from this horrible cold! take care my lovers and will promise to keep you posted and out of the dark more often now haha
love,
my addictiveness to ink is frightening me but i have one more planned and may stop after two...
i've also been rehearsing with the boys for an upcoming gig on june 9 saturday at mars hill cafe (shameless self promoting!) details are here: http://www.facebook.com/events/243280245773453
please spread the word and hope to see you all there!
i think that's where the excitement ends for me. hopefully everything just runs smoothly and comes to pass in His perfectly ordained time. hope i also get better from this horrible cold! take care my lovers and will promise to keep you posted and out of the dark more often now haha
love,
Friday, May 4, 2012
thought #241- Lost or just less found?
So lately and especially this week has been rather traumatic and stressful to say the least. I'm not usually one to engage in pressure tests but recent events and emotions have driven me to my wit's end. In one week the comfortable lull of my existence and routine has been interrupted by unexpected changes. Apart from influx of assignments, uni work and impending finals big game changers have reared its head. Firstly my job at zanui ended abruptly, due to downsizing. This was rather shocking and disappointing. I did enjoy working at the office and meeting these beautiful people whom I never really did get the opportunity to lengthen our chatters and lunches to after work shenanigans. The now sudden shortage of income has now caused a buckle in the savings but I hope to figure out my next step as soon as I get word from exchange. To be honest exchange has been the ball cruncher for me since April. I have been waiting ever patiently, praying to receive that acceptance letter but it he silence does frighten me. After receiving multiple housing offers I am still left in the dark regarding any offers and I fear rejection (especially in this case) may actually cause an internal crumbling. I don't know how much to express my desire to see Europe, to live independently, to taste the world and come back with broadened horizons, prospective job opportunities, more purpose and devotion and even that European hunk I've been salivating and saving myself for since forever Ahaha but really it is something my heart aches for and just the thought of not being given the chance kills me so much. I guess it's still hoping and praying and believing it will be good news for me. Then lastly there's the feelings. Lately my position romantic wise has looked bleak (lately? More like for two years haha). As I've articulated numerous times though the thought of a real deal relationship is appealing I think I'm in this stage and position in life where I just want to have fun. No I don't mean whore around and break hearts and spirits aha I just mean take things lightheartedly, don't rush, be brave and a little deranged at it but wise and guarded all the way through. And if that babe for me comes along in the process then I've hit jackpot if not I can save it for the settling down. I mean i admit this sort of mentality isnt for everyone but right now with the whole cosmos trying to grab a piece of attention, the less drama is all I could want. Recently I've been getting questioned about my feelings for the bestfraaaand and frankly I wouldn't say no to the chance, I wouldn't back out if it happened and i'd probably say yes if asked but the fact that this is all hypothetical is enough for me to believe its all a platonic companionship with us. Keeping our lonely selves occupied and being the gap between absolute loneliness and finding that boy/girl for each other. I think that's what it is and I don't want to ovrranslyse with a shitload of over complications imagined in the membrane haha. Plus let's not forget no closure probably the only guy I secretly and deeply down inside have never fully gotten over... Oh dear. Can you see why I'm feeling the heat? I crave for rest, peace, a Thai message, a Korean BBQ dinner, bud, retail therapy and good old chat with the Big Man. That's what I really want. Peace of mind.
Love,
PS. I want all these feelings. Like a flood. Right now.
Love,
PS. I want all these feelings. Like a flood. Right now.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
thought #240- my best friend's wedding
so i think i'm in love with my best friend. well actually i don't. that's a fairly huge overstatement and i just wanted to be dramatic haha. however recently things have caused abnormalities in my typically and otherwise cold, pathetic excuse of a heart. now i don't know what it is (actually I do know since he's a mega babe), but i've had bouts when it comes to fancying this person. i thought i got it out of my system after high school and the notion of crushes and such were dispelled by the even more depressing notion of reality. other boys entered my life some momentarily, others lasting long enough to cause an indent (don't even get me started on that...) and somehow this person shifted from pretty boy fantasy to best friend material. we got closer and more platonic, secrets shared, life lived. he became someone i could trust and be comfortable with, someone who would remain a presence in post high school life. and soon after, life took its course, shit went down and we all willingly grew up. our penchants for cigarettes and ciders and movie marathons and dinners somehow just fit perfectly into our lives. things that i never noticed in my youth, i suddenly did now like his views and the way he thinks and how i totally understand and i think it is only recently, after having been single for awhile, that my internal struggle and the thin line that i dare to tread from platonic to paramour is even considered. but there are alot of things that frighten me to be in this situation. i am cautious when people ask "so do you like him?" because it feels like we're so past this question, this juvenile distinction between friends and lovers. i do but i don't (want to) and it's getting harder to deny that i have just friends feelings for this person. it's funny actually because i'm not smitten or feeling like im in dazed crush over it. i think its the company that really gets to me. the whole notion of spending the day with this person and feeling good about everything. now don't get this mistaken with the butterflies in my stomach, thinking about him everyday shit. it's just this feeling that maybe deep down, i could actually be with this person. especially since i don't want to be with anyone like that right now. this conundrum actually scares me shitless. but back to the dilemma.
first we're good friends. it isn't the same as meeting someone new at a party or from a mutual friend and engaging in the whole meet and greet and "see each other" kind of phase. it is actually a big deal in comparison to someone who for a moment intrigues and interests you and say if things didn't work out and he falls off the face of the earth that you wouldn't be devestated for life. i'd be gutted if we stopped talking forever over a trivial lovers quarrel. i mean what if we do end up being together, but we're horrible for each other and so we break up but it's just impossible to be friends again? there's way too much at risk.
second, the rejection. i know for a fact that being such good friends we are pretty blunt and non-secretive with our love life. i know i can tell this person much with confidence. for all these years he has never told me he's liked me or even hinted the notion. we've always been platonic, nothing ever coming close to intimacy. there's never been a drunk hook up to attach anything to, not even an i like you (year nine doesn't count haha). so there is a very big chance that a sudden revelation of my non-friendly feelings could result in an awkward rejection that could taint our friendship forever. i hate to overanalyse but there are moments that make me question. however i'm too chicken shit to ruin something that is great as it is. i guess i'll just have to torture myself internally... because at the end of the day it's a question of all or nothing.
third, am i just wanting a friend with benefits? as you know i'm in no position to be in a relationship at this current stage of my life. as horrible, carnal and ruthless as i'm going to sound right now i'm going to be straightforward and honest. i want a boyfriend minus the boyfriend. right now i would be content to be someone's girl provided we can go on our separate ways when the mutual need to move on is reached. i know, part of me thinks its impossible. that there's no thing as a mutual separation and there is absolutely zero consideration for what the guy wants (what if he actually wants a real girlfriend?) but seriously if someone could be that guy i would want it to be this person. purely because i trust this person, and adore this person and would never consider getting together with someone who will treat me as another number (from experience). It kind of doesn't help that I'm physically attracted to him (great).
but at the end of the day the three factors boil down to how he feels, and how i stand in his life. the thing is, i dont think ill ever get the guts to ask. even while intoxicated. because i fear hearing things i don't want to. i fear affirmation for the things i'm avoiding and i fear the most of shattering this solidified mutual happiness. i want to be happy as a friend. and when the time comes and i have to look back in retrospect, i can imagine falling in love and being happy with someone that isn't him. the thing is i can be happy to be just his platonic friend, and someone special in my life. but then again i can be happy with him too. but right now as selfish as it sounds i do want him. but more than that i want to know. and yes for the record i'd probably lose my shit the day he gets a girl for real. but i just don't want to end up like julia roberts being rejected by her best friend when it's too fucking late and you have to feign to the rest of the world that you didn't expect it to end that way.
love,
Ps. Fuck this overanalysation of a post :(
first we're good friends. it isn't the same as meeting someone new at a party or from a mutual friend and engaging in the whole meet and greet and "see each other" kind of phase. it is actually a big deal in comparison to someone who for a moment intrigues and interests you and say if things didn't work out and he falls off the face of the earth that you wouldn't be devestated for life. i'd be gutted if we stopped talking forever over a trivial lovers quarrel. i mean what if we do end up being together, but we're horrible for each other and so we break up but it's just impossible to be friends again? there's way too much at risk.
second, the rejection. i know for a fact that being such good friends we are pretty blunt and non-secretive with our love life. i know i can tell this person much with confidence. for all these years he has never told me he's liked me or even hinted the notion. we've always been platonic, nothing ever coming close to intimacy. there's never been a drunk hook up to attach anything to, not even an i like you (year nine doesn't count haha). so there is a very big chance that a sudden revelation of my non-friendly feelings could result in an awkward rejection that could taint our friendship forever. i hate to overanalyse but there are moments that make me question. however i'm too chicken shit to ruin something that is great as it is. i guess i'll just have to torture myself internally... because at the end of the day it's a question of all or nothing.
third, am i just wanting a friend with benefits? as you know i'm in no position to be in a relationship at this current stage of my life. as horrible, carnal and ruthless as i'm going to sound right now i'm going to be straightforward and honest. i want a boyfriend minus the boyfriend. right now i would be content to be someone's girl provided we can go on our separate ways when the mutual need to move on is reached. i know, part of me thinks its impossible. that there's no thing as a mutual separation and there is absolutely zero consideration for what the guy wants (what if he actually wants a real girlfriend?) but seriously if someone could be that guy i would want it to be this person. purely because i trust this person, and adore this person and would never consider getting together with someone who will treat me as another number (from experience). It kind of doesn't help that I'm physically attracted to him (great).
but at the end of the day the three factors boil down to how he feels, and how i stand in his life. the thing is, i dont think ill ever get the guts to ask. even while intoxicated. because i fear hearing things i don't want to. i fear affirmation for the things i'm avoiding and i fear the most of shattering this solidified mutual happiness. i want to be happy as a friend. and when the time comes and i have to look back in retrospect, i can imagine falling in love and being happy with someone that isn't him. the thing is i can be happy to be just his platonic friend, and someone special in my life. but then again i can be happy with him too. but right now as selfish as it sounds i do want him. but more than that i want to know. and yes for the record i'd probably lose my shit the day he gets a girl for real. but i just don't want to end up like julia roberts being rejected by her best friend when it's too fucking late and you have to feign to the rest of the world that you didn't expect it to end that way.
love,
Ps. Fuck this overanalysation of a post :(
Thursday, April 12, 2012
thought #239- Twenteen
i honestly cannot believe that in two and a bit days i will graduate from adolescence (numerically, don't know about in maturity or physical measures) and turn 20. am i excited? not particularly. but the aging process is inevitable and i guess i just have to be hopeful and optimistic about things the way i was at the start of 2012. i guess the whole confirmation of finally becoming a member of the 20's club just makes me even more daunted by my future and the thought of actually needing to get my shit together. in retrospect, the young, naive and former abi was really expecting too much from the now, older and maybe a little wiser abi of today. but that doesn't mean i've abandoned all hope and plans and dreams. there is still so much to be done. i can only hope and pray that i will be taken by where He leads and to stop acting so juvenile as i have lately. anyway i actually wasn't here to write a moody and brooding farewell to my teenage years (i'll probably do that on the day before my bday haha) i actually wanted to share me gift wishlist. another part of my juvenile practices that i seem to never get past. i've always made wishlists for every birthday and christmas and i guess this tradition won't be ceasing until maybe 30 when i realise i should stop being so selfish haha.
the birthday wishlist
love,
the birthday wishlist
- funkis clogs. i surprisingly didn't get a pair for christmas so maybe i'll be fortunate this time around. currently lusting over the high plait sandal pair in natural or the very high clog in grey (mainly because it's the only styles i don't have yet haha).
- and more shoes. since i rarely buy shoes, mainly because of my impossibly suitable feet, when i finally desire something, it comes in masses. my top selections (but not limited to this) include:
- hunter orignal short classic gumboots in black (size 7) (i need these),
- mollini fragile wedges in black size 37 (divine!)
- acne pistol short booties (size 7) but since i'm more realistic i'll settle for something like these asos boots or sole society boots from the iconic (size 38)
- Cheap Monday Kloss Horse Peep Toe Boots in black (size 7) (so in love)
- vans lo pro black leather (size 7.5 i think?)
- converse all star embossed leather hi cut chucks in black (size 7) (i have an affinity for leather shoes as you can see).
- vlieger and vandam guardian angel soft l black tote . i've technically already got the $$ to buy this but it's current sold out status has made me rather upset. i guess i'll just have to be patient until mid april... zzz
- Herschel Market Tote Bag cute little uni/day bag.
- a new wallet. i am in desperate need of a new wallet. but this time round i actually don't want a real wallet, in a sense i'm not after those bulky space filling abominations. i'd rather have a small almost pouch like version, especially when i just want to abandon my bag and rid myself of growing posture pains. i'm tossing up between a cute comme de garcons, classic prada, ever in love acne, minimalist celine or edgey wang... or one of each could work too haha
- karen walker number six sunglasses i have been dying to have these for ages now haha
- and a fuck load of clothing. especially winter. bring on the beanies, trench coats, cute knits, floral pants and everything in between.
- skins season 1-5 (the box set i saw at hum on king at newtown) is a must!
- a boyfriend
love,
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