thought #241- Lost or just less found?

So lately and especially this week has been rather traumatic and stressful to say the least. I'm not usually one to engage in pressure tests but recent events and emotions have driven me to my wit's end. In one week the comfortable lull of my existence and routine has been interrupted by unexpected changes. Apart from influx of assignments, uni work and impending finals big game changers have reared its head. Firstly my job at zanui ended abruptly, due to downsizing. This was rather shocking and disappointing. I did enjoy working at the office and meeting these beautiful people whom I never really did get the opportunity to lengthen our chatters and lunches to after work shenanigans. The now sudden shortage of income has now caused a buckle in the savings but I hope to figure out my next step as soon as I get word from exchange. To be honest exchange has been the ball cruncher for me since April. I have been waiting ever patiently, praying to receive that acceptance letter but it he silence does frighten me. After receiving multiple housing offers I am still left in the dark regarding any offers and I fear rejection (especially in this case) may actually cause an internal crumbling. I don't know how much to express my desire to see Europe, to live independently, to taste the world and come back with broadened horizons, prospective job opportunities, more purpose and devotion and even that European hunk I've been salivating and saving myself for since forever Ahaha but really it is something my heart aches for and just the thought of not being given the chance kills me so much. I guess it's still hoping and praying and believing it will be good news for me. Then lastly there's the feelings. Lately my position romantic wise has looked bleak (lately? More like for two years haha). As I've articulated numerous times though the thought of a real deal relationship is appealing I think I'm in this stage and position in life where I just want to have fun. No I don't mean whore around and break hearts and spirits aha I just mean take things lightheartedly, don't rush, be brave and a little deranged at it but wise and guarded all the way through. And if that babe for me comes along in the process then I've hit jackpot if not I can save it for the settling down. I mean i admit this sort of mentality isnt for everyone but right now with the whole cosmos trying to grab a piece of attention, the less drama is all I could want. Recently I've been getting questioned about my feelings for the bestfraaaand and frankly I wouldn't say no to the chance, I wouldn't back out if it happened and i'd probably say yes if asked but the fact that this is all hypothetical is enough for me to believe its all a platonic companionship with us. Keeping our lonely selves occupied and being the gap between absolute loneliness and finding that boy/girl for each other. I think that's what it is and I don't want to ovrranslyse with a shitload of over complications imagined in the membrane haha. Plus let's not forget no closure probably the only guy I secretly and deeply down inside have never fully gotten over... Oh dear. Can you see why I'm feeling the heat? I crave for rest, peace, a Thai message, a Korean BBQ dinner, bud, retail therapy and good old chat with the Big Man. That's what I really want. Peace of mind.
Love,

PS. I want all these feelings. Like a flood. Right now.

thought #167- vocal chords

study for finals are officially doing my head in. so much to learn and cram and still so much i am yet to understand. the fear of failure is a terrible reality. so as a result of my accumulated stress, i chose the healthier alternative to smoking half a deck and singing. believe it or not, i sing to unwind. i think people have this gross miscalculation that i sing all the time, every single minute of the day. this is sorely untrue. back in the days i used to sing alot, these days i'm spared to moments of boredom, gigs and in this case stress. vocalisation = stress relief. i highly recommend it.

now knowing that not alot of people read this i feel safe enough to post a raw, uncut vid of me doing a cover. this is certainly not youtube worthy haha. so i'm not even going to bother promoting it. it's a weird thing to watch and listen back to vids you record. it shows the faults in your voice. i've seen many in this vid, can you? haha irrespective of that fact, here's a vid. since i've never posted one on this. and it's the voice within (christina aguilera). cheesy pop songs note are also the best songs to vocalise in. they may be trashy and shit but they extend the vocal range tremendously... trust me haha.

anywho enjoy and i challenge you next time you are in need of a chill pill. sing. really how shit or brilliant doesn't matter. just do it.

love,

thought # 108- i thought perpetual, you thought seasonal

as i write, intertwined between my blankets, tired, vacant and nursing a headache that the rain, lack of thermal underwear and unbearable cold has kindly given, i think of my favourite (insert sarcasm) season of the year. personally, apart from the fashion and end of financial year sales, i do not fancy winter at all. some people adore the chill, the reason to resurrect their old gumboots and oversized knitwear, the hot chocolate/scrabble/movie nights in front of a blazing fire, the unintentional weight gain, the bed weather, taking photos of dead branches, scribbling your crush's name on a fogged up car window and everything that winter is synonymous with. although these reasons are good and pleasant to have, i don't believe we need a whole season to do this. as cliched and hackneyed as it sounds, i find that the cyclical moments of life are in sync with the seasons. in retrospect, i look back to the first six months of 2010 and find myself overwhelmed by all the events and happenings it carries and is yet to reveal.

summer was sizzling, hot, impulsive and brilliant. the weather equated the tanned skin i received from qld, the staple of singlets and shorts echoed the events of sydney festival and air conditioning brought me back to late night skype chats with friends, strangers and friends who were once strangers. university did not yet exist, responsibility was unheard of, legalities were chimerical and the world was a naked canvas ready to be explored and exploited.

autumn arrived with much change, it was a season that began as passe and in between, the exact definition of autumn. then life sighted a tornado and an unexpected whirlwind began. i turned 18, i began filthy habits, university was not as delightful as i envisioned it to once be. the heart palpitated and simultaneously crumbled over unpredicated amazing strangers. stress levels rose, it was an intoxicating few months of euphoria and rollercoasters. fun fun fun.

until winter arrived. and to be fair, it has only been four days so i cannot bad mouth it entirely. it may unexpectedly shift for the better and i find winter as the best season to come. however, from observations, i find my days are peppered with stress, sencha peach tea permanently inside my plunger, expensive habits in my bag and on my fingers, unworthily chatting to God, alcoholic friday nights, still awake at 3am and this empty feeling- that no emotion can exactly pinpoint- where one cannot see any progress, happiness but is still hoping. hoping not for a repeat of summer or autumn, nor for things to unrealistically "become all good again" but that absurd, secretly lovely hope we all nurse in our spirits and mutter under our breath that whatever life is or will be

is just, for we are just... seasonal.

love,

ps. this somewhat totally american, but i adore it.