thought # 108- i thought perpetual, you thought seasonal

as i write, intertwined between my blankets, tired, vacant and nursing a headache that the rain, lack of thermal underwear and unbearable cold has kindly given, i think of my favourite (insert sarcasm) season of the year. personally, apart from the fashion and end of financial year sales, i do not fancy winter at all. some people adore the chill, the reason to resurrect their old gumboots and oversized knitwear, the hot chocolate/scrabble/movie nights in front of a blazing fire, the unintentional weight gain, the bed weather, taking photos of dead branches, scribbling your crush's name on a fogged up car window and everything that winter is synonymous with. although these reasons are good and pleasant to have, i don't believe we need a whole season to do this. as cliched and hackneyed as it sounds, i find that the cyclical moments of life are in sync with the seasons. in retrospect, i look back to the first six months of 2010 and find myself overwhelmed by all the events and happenings it carries and is yet to reveal.

summer was sizzling, hot, impulsive and brilliant. the weather equated the tanned skin i received from qld, the staple of singlets and shorts echoed the events of sydney festival and air conditioning brought me back to late night skype chats with friends, strangers and friends who were once strangers. university did not yet exist, responsibility was unheard of, legalities were chimerical and the world was a naked canvas ready to be explored and exploited.

autumn arrived with much change, it was a season that began as passe and in between, the exact definition of autumn. then life sighted a tornado and an unexpected whirlwind began. i turned 18, i began filthy habits, university was not as delightful as i envisioned it to once be. the heart palpitated and simultaneously crumbled over unpredicated amazing strangers. stress levels rose, it was an intoxicating few months of euphoria and rollercoasters. fun fun fun.

until winter arrived. and to be fair, it has only been four days so i cannot bad mouth it entirely. it may unexpectedly shift for the better and i find winter as the best season to come. however, from observations, i find my days are peppered with stress, sencha peach tea permanently inside my plunger, expensive habits in my bag and on my fingers, unworthily chatting to God, alcoholic friday nights, still awake at 3am and this empty feeling- that no emotion can exactly pinpoint- where one cannot see any progress, happiness but is still hoping. hoping not for a repeat of summer or autumn, nor for things to unrealistically "become all good again" but that absurd, secretly lovely hope we all nurse in our spirits and mutter under our breath that whatever life is or will be

is just, for we are just... seasonal.

love,

ps. this somewhat totally american, but i adore it. 

thought# 80- an over-caffeinated thought

note to self: never drink substantial amounts of coffee as a substitute for dinner at an irregular hour of the day with the assumption that you will gain any sleep. i have a brilliant headache as we speak and from the annoying throbs of my brain i have a thought.

"I always knew, in the deepest crevasses beyond my gut, that we always belonged. Even when I didn’t believe it to be so, and even when you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I always knew. And it was in that instance, when you had also realised that you had always known, birthed the vast difference between always knowing we belonged and we belonged because we always knew." 

i take no offence if you do not comprehend. neither do i. its a ramble based on something or someone that appears in your mind at ungodly hours such as 2:45am. i'll leave you to muse haha. i am so thankful for the long easter weekend! may you all have a blessed time as we commemorate not the easter bunny or the goodness of chocolate that we gorge upon annually, but the real non-commercialised meaning. perfect sacrifice that lead to salvation and life. sometimes we've forgotten how jaw dropping that fact is. i think its time to really reflect on that (myself included). all the shit that dwindles in our lives are in no comparison to what we would expect without the power of the cross and sacrifice that jesus made to take our place. my goodness, it still makes me churn inside.

love and happy easter lovelies! 

thought # 22- why do i love the things that i hate?

i ask this question in the light of my unceasing desire to watch paranormal activity and though i know fully well that i will most likely not be able to sleep for many many weeks (not that i sleep at all these days) and though i still haven't learnt my lesson since watching silence of the lambs at the tender age of five and not being able to sleep in my own room for the six years after ( it's not abnormal, just a vivid imagination HAHA) because i was thoroughly convinced that hannibal lector was going to consume my insides, i still want to watch it. *sigh*

perhaps it's human nature, our innate system that even though we fear something we still do it. even though we know its bad for us we still pursue. how carnal and fleshly haha. speaking of doing things that i loathe, i  could not sleep properly until 5 ish in the morning which resulted in an unproductive morning with a headache, empty stomach and apathetic mood. i cannot stand this feeling yet cannot bring myself to doze off at the normal time normal people decide to sleep. perhaps its because i'm not normal at all haha.

well to recount, ari's party was a success and it twas pleasant seeing many brilliant faces that i have not seen in so long. now the weekend is almost over and things such as work, movies, presentation night and  life comes before me. sorry i don't have much to say or any profound words or thoughts to challenge, convict and abuse haha. it's definitely the absence of sleep getting to me haha. have a splendid rest of the weekend.

love

p.s. this will definitely be making me sleep well tonight. james franco you gorgeous man.

thought # 19- i'm a failure

at keeping promises relating to anything regarding my sleeping patterns. i profess i am an insomniac and i probably need help but my laziness is hindering me from ever going professional haha. so i awoke at a horrible almost 3pm today, which makes me feel like the day has already eradicated and i feel sloth- like and utterly disgusting. to be honest, the remaining hours of the day in which i spent being awake are a mere blur except for attending powerhouse for the first time. i must say the atmosphere is soooo different but i personally adored it. it was very laid-back, quiet, mature and pleasant. i think i shall be enjoying wednesday evenings in the company of 18-25 year olds haha. that being said, i truly do miss wildlife and the ecstatic, craziness that occurs (i will attempt to visit whenever i gain the opportunity). its quite odd having friday nights free for once. it almost feels like i should be at this non-existent gathering that i am creating subconsciously as part of my routine week haha. but now i should be happy to have friday nights free to engage in other things... such as watching movies!

my goodness this summer has blossomed with an incredible line up of movies. some of the following im intending to see include:

• iheart movie.
• where the wild things are.
• zombieland.
• bright star (i think its called that).
• nowhere boy.
• moonlight cinemas and drive-ins

i cannot wait to turn into a squared film whore. i am beyond excited. until next time my dear friends,

love

p.s. the summer playdate. second row: myself. tenth/eleventh row: favourite boy haha.

(thanks danise)