thought #198- a little older and a little less wiser

so my birthday was one lacking in extravagance but it contained all the elements i needed to have a good time- friends, booze and a bathtub. after meeting up with sam, we checked into the cambridge hotel for the evening, got ready and met the rest of the beloved crew at the beresford. after much intoxication we relocated to oxford arts, bumping into chris, grinding with strangers and almost getting kicked out due to my giddy behaviour in the process. soon the rain started to descend upon us and after failing to quite meet up with my SG girls, we returned to the warmth and quiet of the hotel room. still mildly scattered, we stripped in the tub, chatted and sipped tea, momentarily seeing chris and friends once again. after their short and sweet appearance, we attempted to sleep. my sleep was not at all comforting and much of the night was spent shivering and chundering. after we woke,  we visited the goods cafe for some hearty hangover helping saturday brunch. mads and i accompanied ben and eugene on an oxford st. shopping spree, casually grabbing a beer and trying our luck at the pokies on the way (we failed miserably). after we rode on the train back to parramatta, stopping off for a hot choc fix at max brenner before parting ways. my saturday night concluded with a meal at outback with the familia. and thus concludes the recount of my big night. no biggie

love,

thought #197- one year younger.

i promise i will elaborate on the festivities of the nineteenth and the more serious matters running through my system but i'll leave it be for now because i have an exam tomorrow and all i really want to do is complete a nonsensical quiz (regards to my cousin). typical.

NAME: abigail ann cruz
AGE: 19
BIRTHDATE: april 15 1992
PRESENT ADDRESS: sydney, Australia

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. last beverage = ocean's fresh classic cranberry
2. last phone call = dad
3. last text message = eleanor
 4. last song you listened to =postmodern girls- the strokes ft. regina spektor
5. last time you cried = don't judge me (and i blame it strongly on the hangover and my overtly emotional condition) but it was while watching a repeat of definitely, maybe.
  
HAVE YOU EVER:

6. dated someone twice = no
7. been cheated on = yes and no
8. kissed someone & regretted it = yes
9. lost someone special = indeed
10. been depressed = yes
11. been drunk and threw up = yes, i'm a bit of a chunderer.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. monochrome
13. beige
14. yellow

LAST YEAR (2010), HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend = yes
16. Fallen out of love = no
17. Laughed until you cried = yes
18. Met someone who changed you = definitely
19. Found out who your true friends were = yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you = no
21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend's list = yes

GENERAL:

22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = majority, i'm in the process of deleting strangers.
24. Do you have any pets = no
25. Do you want to change your name = not really, i see no point
26. What did you do for your last birthday = friday = bathtubs, rain, wine, awkward encounters, birthday kisses and 6am chunder.
27. What time did you wake up today= 7, late as usual.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = watching love actually haha
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = to graduate, find the man of my dreams, travel and move out. 
 30. Last time you saw your Mother = was today
 31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = i dont know
32. What are you listening to right now = nothing
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?=yes
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = it's a long story
35. Most visited webpage = facebook
37. Nickname = abi, abs, babs,
38. Relationship Status = single 
39. Zodiac sign = aries
40. He or She = she
41. Elementary = toongabbie christian school
42. High School = toongabbie christian school
43. College = UTS
44. Hair color = dark dark brown
45. Long or short = mid length
46. Height = towards the shorter half
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = god, it's complicated
48. What do you like about yourself? = my social awkwardness
50. Tattoos= uno
51. Righty or lefty=righty

FIRSTS :

52. First surgery= nothing yet
53. First piercing = ears
54. First best friend = edwina or rachel
55. First sport you joined = sport? such a foreign concept
56. First vacation = usa
58. First pair of trainers =i don't even remember

RIGHT NOW:

 59. Eating = nothing
60. Drinking = nothing
61. I'm about to=do a little casual creeping, read some blogs then try to go to bed
62. Listening to = nothing
63. Waiting for = tomorrow

YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids? = yes 2, a boy and a girl
 65. Get Married? = yes hopefully
66. Career? = somewhere along the legal/corporate field. but who knows i might do something totally out of whack.

WHICH IS BETTER :

67. Lips or eyes = eyes
68. Hugs or kisses= hugs
69. Shorter or taller = taller
70. Older or Younger = older
71. Romantic or spontaneous = both
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = both
 73. Sensitive or loud = both
74. Hook-up or relationship =relationship unless circumstances call for a hook-up.
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger = kind of
77. Drank hard liquor = yes
78. Lost glasses/contacts = no
79. Sex on first date = fuck no.
80. Broke someone's heart =unintentionally
81. Had your own heart broken = yes 
82. Been arrested = no
83. Turned someone down = yes
84. Cried when someone died= yes
85. Fallen for a friend = yes, sigh

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself = at times
87. Miracles = definitely
88. Love at first sight =lust
89. Heaven = yes
 90. Santa Claus = no
91. Kiss on the first date =depends
92. Angels = yes.

love,

thought #196- nineteen

its been a tradition of mine to look back in retrospect at all the encounters of the past year, the lessons and mistakes, the unanticipated triumphs and bewildering heartaches and most importantly what to optimistically expect for this year to come. so i'm turning nineteen. i've always considered this age to be somewhat insignificant, indifferently allocated in between the year of legality and official adulthood. there's not much reason to celebrate being nineteen other than you've survived a year where everything was permissible and are now looking forward to a year where everything is suddenly grown up. it feels like nineteen can be compared to a twilight zone, a waiting room where one twiddles their thumbs and wonders what is next on the agenda of existence.

but i guess it was only today, amidst a regular hectic day, that i paused to think of this year as a fork in the road. honestly, nothing extravagant nor life- changing has actually occurred as of yet but i truly believe in the dictating power of 2011. i have so many convictions, questions to answer, priorities to arrange and a life to live. i know i have so many more places to go, handsome strangers to perve on, certain people to forgive and forget, filthy habits to quit and a lot more growing up to do in between. a future awaits. i know deep down that i'm not satisfied with life as we speak and no matter how many times i tell myself "i'll change" or "ill get over this when i get older" the reality/possibility of a life with this reoccurring, habitual, self destroying pattern frightens me. i know its soul- disintegrating, i know i lose myself physically but i cannot imagine where to begin to cease myself from such a demise.

i guess this is my true, confessional birthday wish. i want to prepare myself to enter adulthood on a right note. not in a condition of destruction, confusion, hurt and bitterness. but one with hope and purpose and back to what i originally loved: the Creator and not what i adore now: myself. i don't know how but maybe one by one i want to pick up the wreckage of my life, the marred unwillingness of myself and finally get it into my head that this life is beyond, as much pleasure i get out of it sipping red wine on a balmy evening, smoking my cigarettes, laughing at my own lewd thoughts and caring about the space i preoccupy in this world, me.

hopefully it can happen.

love,

thought #195- birthday wishlist

some require the discovery of a money tree in my backyard or punching a hole through heaven but nevertheless here goes the lust list.

1. 3.1 Philip Lim 'X-cellent' Platform Sandal i lust, i pine. these babies are amazing. i am currently in love with flatforms and although some despise the chunky, nanna height of these mutilated love child of flats and platforms i can't get enough. honestly, i'll settle for imitation or a similar pair.

2. Alexander Wang Claudia Booties in Black gorge. i wouldn't mind lace up booties without an open toe or the desert boots with the wedge. for practicality reasons.

3. AIDEN Black Zip Front Ankle Boots something similar to this. a comfy, riding style boot. my first delicious pair was from topshop too so its no surprise that i still love them. these puppies last forever!

4. Opening Ceremony Pony Ankle Boot Clog i would probably wear something like this literally until the soles are replaced with my bare foot skin. i saw they have a payless version of this. i dont mind the downgrade as long as it does the job!

5. Yves Saint Laurent Arty Too 5-karat gold-plated ring size five probably won't fit but i'm willing to staple this gorgeous jewel to my index if i have to.

6. Mulberry Tillie leather shoulder bag i don't really need it. but it couldn't hurt. i'll also settle for a similar mimco.

7. Alexander McQueen Brass Swarovski crystal skull and butterfly ring um froth.

8. MARC BY MARC JACOBS 'Amy' Leather Strap Watch how orgasmic is this watch? it honestly can do no wrong. i mean i adore my DKNY one but it lacks the practicalities of an everyday watch.

9. American Apparel Voucher i'm in need of stocking some basics especially pantaloons. ive noticed that most of my wishlist compromises of shoes and accessories but i wouldnt mind some loving from acne, bassike and zimmerman.

10. Daria: The Complete Animated Series (DVD, 2010, 8-Disc Set) wouldn't mind box sets of skins, degrassi the next gen, sailor moon and the science of sleep. you know me, dvd whore.

and so completes my very materialistic wishlist. i know its extravagant. i may get them all or none or some or imitations. just as long as i turn nineteen and im not dead then im more than blessed.

love,

thought#194- sometimes girl

i find when we're together, everything is lovely and dandy and suspiciously effortless. the wretched suburbia, the cheap wine we drink, the faint chill of a saturday night is dispelled momentarily- as if we are two priviledged human beings to be coerced from the infrangible routine of seconds, minutes and hours. past, present and future. the rhythmic beat of air plunging into lungs and blood palipitating through heart- as we sit and talk and live. i slowly allow my brain to no longer function, to give reign to my heart and i find myself laughing hysterically over your antics and starring at your face as if one blink will peel your flawless complexion completely. i am no longer undithering, no longer indecisive. i am no longer questioning who we are to each other, what that means, who i have to be and who i cannot. i am no longer suffocating with what we will do next, whether i will see you again, whether this is casual, whether i will wake up the next morning folded between your bed sheets. i am such a future person. i always think before i do. but this very moment beckons not a forever. i just want your company.

i find when we're apart, i don't miss you. i don't even feel compelled to communicate, sip my tea and smoke my cigarettes in your presence. we live separately, segregated by what we cannot be for each other. i do not feel scattered though i ask myself should i be? should i be nothing without you? but that is foolish talk. idle chatter. we go on about our respectable lives, do what we need to do to be free. i carry the quotidian cross i bare, you sink into anonymity. the world that is so easily forgotten from the times we are together is amplified, magnified. work to be done, life to be lived. it is no longer us but simply you and me and the annihilation of romantic notions and the mind hibernating is left festering like projectile vomit on a highway. we are no longer bored but busy. held captive to our own jealous and dissimilar priorities. i don't even question if you love another (i never ask you about love it gets far too complicated), or if you think of me beyond the constraints of our encounters together. because frankly that is unfair for us both.

when truth be told is we are only sometimes people. drifters into each others existence. and it is not because we don't give a fuck about each other. its just the nature of our relationship. you are my sometimes man, i your sometimes girl. and there is nothing special about anything in between. whether this is a sad reality or not i still do not know. but i do know deep down we're both a little frightened to let anyone else, especially each other, in.

ps. that's how the story goes.

thought# 193- game plan

i always need to remind/encourage/motivate myself by constantly reiterating my short term to-do list. hence why i'm writing one down now. i know i conjured one up at the beginning of the year and regardless if there are slight to no changes at all, i always like to repeat myself and jump start my ever lazy brain and condescending willpower. but i'm optimistic so far. things just might turn for the better this coming season. all i can do is pray so.

autumn to- do list:

1. ace uni mid sem exams and assessments.
2. clean room (get rid of old uni notes, rearrange, dispose and tidy).
3. turn ninteen. organise something low key.
4. get inked. now that i know what i finally want.
5. get fit. exercise, kick the cigs... maybe haha.
6. get Ps. the forever on the to- do list thing to do.
7. dye hair.
8. SAVE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
9. start going back to powerhouse.
10. move on.
11. keep organised/ time management/ balanced and happy.

lets see how we go.

love,

ps. this always gets me in a good, happy mood. got to love shaun tan books.

thought #192- easy come, easy go

if one were to stop and think about it, it's truly amazing how many human connections we establish in a span of a day. from the moment you wake up and see your dad walking in with a hot cup of tea, to the instance you fleetingly meet the eyes of a man in his car to God knows where, to the lady at the clothing store asking how you are (but not really giving a fuck about your wellbeing), to the person you brush shoulders past in the street to the fit couple you witness walking their dog on your way home. be it minute, meaningless scintillas of communication, every person you indirectly and directly meet causes a connection, a wire,  a vein inside your existence to come alive. and you may not feel any different than before you set your eye on this individual, and you may forget them in the blink of an eye but your lives, existence become a temporary couple, married by the mutual moment you shared alive together. can you believe that every person you come in contact with is sharing a fragment of their time, space and world with you and vice versa. a moment that they can not regain or ever get back. it's as simple and yet so complex as that.

sometimes you are fortunate for a repeat. for another transient encounter. sometimes you never see that human being ever again. so next time you catch sight of a handsome stranger, walk away from the only one you'll ever love, to a friend you forgot to befriend, to someone you have not yet forgiven think as if its your last. it may not be. you may have another opportunity. but what if you don't? you don't want to live with the unknown forever whilst declaring "two years later you're still on my mind."

life is too ephemeral to not be awake.

love,