thought #198- a little older and a little less wiser

so my birthday was one lacking in extravagance but it contained all the elements i needed to have a good time- friends, booze and a bathtub. after meeting up with sam, we checked into the cambridge hotel for the evening, got ready and met the rest of the beloved crew at the beresford. after much intoxication we relocated to oxford arts, bumping into chris, grinding with strangers and almost getting kicked out due to my giddy behaviour in the process. soon the rain started to descend upon us and after failing to quite meet up with my SG girls, we returned to the warmth and quiet of the hotel room. still mildly scattered, we stripped in the tub, chatted and sipped tea, momentarily seeing chris and friends once again. after their short and sweet appearance, we attempted to sleep. my sleep was not at all comforting and much of the night was spent shivering and chundering. after we woke,  we visited the goods cafe for some hearty hangover helping saturday brunch. mads and i accompanied ben and eugene on an oxford st. shopping spree, casually grabbing a beer and trying our luck at the pokies on the way (we failed miserably). after we rode on the train back to parramatta, stopping off for a hot choc fix at max brenner before parting ways. my saturday night concluded with a meal at outback with the familia. and thus concludes the recount of my big night. no biggie

love,

thought #196- nineteen

its been a tradition of mine to look back in retrospect at all the encounters of the past year, the lessons and mistakes, the unanticipated triumphs and bewildering heartaches and most importantly what to optimistically expect for this year to come. so i'm turning nineteen. i've always considered this age to be somewhat insignificant, indifferently allocated in between the year of legality and official adulthood. there's not much reason to celebrate being nineteen other than you've survived a year where everything was permissible and are now looking forward to a year where everything is suddenly grown up. it feels like nineteen can be compared to a twilight zone, a waiting room where one twiddles their thumbs and wonders what is next on the agenda of existence.

but i guess it was only today, amidst a regular hectic day, that i paused to think of this year as a fork in the road. honestly, nothing extravagant nor life- changing has actually occurred as of yet but i truly believe in the dictating power of 2011. i have so many convictions, questions to answer, priorities to arrange and a life to live. i know i have so many more places to go, handsome strangers to perve on, certain people to forgive and forget, filthy habits to quit and a lot more growing up to do in between. a future awaits. i know deep down that i'm not satisfied with life as we speak and no matter how many times i tell myself "i'll change" or "ill get over this when i get older" the reality/possibility of a life with this reoccurring, habitual, self destroying pattern frightens me. i know its soul- disintegrating, i know i lose myself physically but i cannot imagine where to begin to cease myself from such a demise.

i guess this is my true, confessional birthday wish. i want to prepare myself to enter adulthood on a right note. not in a condition of destruction, confusion, hurt and bitterness. but one with hope and purpose and back to what i originally loved: the Creator and not what i adore now: myself. i don't know how but maybe one by one i want to pick up the wreckage of my life, the marred unwillingness of myself and finally get it into my head that this life is beyond, as much pleasure i get out of it sipping red wine on a balmy evening, smoking my cigarettes, laughing at my own lewd thoughts and caring about the space i preoccupy in this world, me.

hopefully it can happen.

love,