thought #24- there is no thought twenty four

literally, it feels like all the sarcastic humour/ blunt remarks/ abusive "wisdom"/ literary gymnastics and ranting that i usually possess (or like to think that i possess) appears to have disappeared today. i have nothing interesting to talk about, nothing happy or contemplative to share apart from my constant inhumane perspiring due to australia's summer heat.

perhaps my title is actually a lie. i think i have so many thoughts bubbling through my system that i can't seem to distinguish which thought is which. and find a reason as to why i'm thinking it. i am contemplating about something though. absence. for those who know me personally you may get what im talking about.

so i miss my favourite boy but this "miss" is not derived from any sappy/romantic/nauseating emotions of love. i miss the company, the best friend. i miss the assurance that everything is fine and that feelings are being felt and that we still aren't (i know that doesnt appear to make any sense at all but it does haha).

so factor one is absence. factor two is feelings. its not that im questioning my feelings, because i am certain of its presence. though at times it sways and i wonder if "not in that way" or "not anymore" or "not like i used too" has arrived, i know it still remains. factor three is others. not that i feel any of "those" feelings for other parties involved its just conversations with other parties have really made me think and subconciously re-evaluate the concept of my favourite boy and i. its weird. i think if it already feels like an inevitable gulf is between us already... what about next year? i dont know. its frightening and it feels like now i actually do care.

oh well, i do hope to playdate with him soon to figure this subconcious monster and kaffufle i am creating. i also hope he doesn't read this haha. until work resumes and life gets more busy than it already is,

love

p.s. feeling a little stuck lately. (thanks danise)

thought #23- the side effects of sleeplessness

i had, irrefutably, the worst sleep in the history of my human life last night. perhaps the viewing of paranormal activity last night contributed (although i must say that i was thoroughly disappointed, and far more bored and dizzy by the homemade filming than freaked out of my wits... the last few minutes were beginning to spark interest but suddenly the film concluded). this feeling can be likened to early ejaculation (haha) or for a more wholesome approach consuming peter's cookies and cream ice cream.  you feel bored, sickened, and about to give up when you suddenly hit the iota of a cookie bit and emotions of enjoyment and excitement burst within you... and suddenly you're ice cream bowl is empty. i must say the movie was a letdown but enough to get you paranoid especially between the hours of midnight to six am (which i am mostly awake and active haha).

anyway, after watching old re-runs of whose line is it anyway? to get me into a jovial mood before sleep i engaged in hours of tossing and turning and perspiring. i honestly felt i was in a fever like state. i couldn't fall asleep until about 5:30am, joy. i still don't feel so well... perhaps i need an early night to compensate. sickness has such perfect timing. this week will be busy with work, performances, presentation nights, movies and the like. hopefully i feel better tomorrow.

well my father just walked in with the dictionary turned to "ejaculation" because i checked it's spelling and now he thinks im a sexually aroused freak haha.

love

p.s. definitely feeling a little headless (thanks danise)

thought # 22- why do i love the things that i hate?

i ask this question in the light of my unceasing desire to watch paranormal activity and though i know fully well that i will most likely not be able to sleep for many many weeks (not that i sleep at all these days) and though i still haven't learnt my lesson since watching silence of the lambs at the tender age of five and not being able to sleep in my own room for the six years after ( it's not abnormal, just a vivid imagination HAHA) because i was thoroughly convinced that hannibal lector was going to consume my insides, i still want to watch it. *sigh*

perhaps it's human nature, our innate system that even though we fear something we still do it. even though we know its bad for us we still pursue. how carnal and fleshly haha. speaking of doing things that i loathe, i  could not sleep properly until 5 ish in the morning which resulted in an unproductive morning with a headache, empty stomach and apathetic mood. i cannot stand this feeling yet cannot bring myself to doze off at the normal time normal people decide to sleep. perhaps its because i'm not normal at all haha.

well to recount, ari's party was a success and it twas pleasant seeing many brilliant faces that i have not seen in so long. now the weekend is almost over and things such as work, movies, presentation night and  life comes before me. sorry i don't have much to say or any profound words or thoughts to challenge, convict and abuse haha. it's definitely the absence of sleep getting to me haha. have a splendid rest of the weekend.

love

p.s. this will definitely be making me sleep well tonight. james franco you gorgeous man.

thought #21- epiphanies are delicious

good afternoon humanity, i have awoken from my twelve hour slumber (horrible i know, ive given up sleeping times. its a method of merely waking up and sleeping these days... day, afternoon and evening are foreign concepts to me now haha) with lovely feelings i would like to share. first, i've fallen in love with a stranger who i will disclose as mr portugal from www.lookbook.nu and my friend joseph rana will probably be the only to fully comprehend this stalker/perverted/foolish frothing. gorgeous, gorgeous man he is. second, it has been on my heart to sponser a child for some time now. i believe now with my financial stability becoming a reality with work and now with my desire to no longer remain complacent, i really want to pursue this. so i was on the compassion website and i believe i have found my child. i haven't selected him yet for i have the weekend to seek, pray and decide but i really do believe i've found him. once it's official i will gush about my new child. third, i got this epiphany. not really, more like an idea that excited me haha. after watching the official trailer for the adorable mockumentary paper heart starring the cute and awkward michael cera and an asian comedian by the name of charlyne yi i was compelled to write a book/short story/script... to be honest the medium is still unknown. i'm finally getting inspired to write again, hoorah! the creativity drought has been broken.

i will go into details when details have been made. now i shall go to dry my tangled locks and ready myself before ari's 18th shindig tonight. it shall be grand.

love

p.s. out on dvd jan 13 in australia. cosy night in with a skeptic and romantic? wait that sounds familiar haha.

thought # 20- i don't like using my brain

when i don't need to. let me elaborate. lately things have occurred, which for the sake of dignity and confidentiality of those involved i will disclose, which have made me think. ponder, muse, brood... however you like to describe the process that occurs when one person says something that makes you doubt/question/re-think fragments of your life, relationships and the quotidian routine. it's not a bad thing of course, however, sometimes it causes you to look back to things which have remained dormant or lacked attention for quite some time.

sometimes its not something you desire to face at this point in life, but sometimes it must be done. similarly to having to take cough medicine which tastes like a sugary version of ass and can make you vomit at the sickening feeling it summons. though the remedy is foul it must be done to avoid a small cold from emerging into a mess of an illness. i believe "these thoughts" i've been experiencing lately are exactly that. a slap in the face and a far deeper look into reality.

to be honest these thoughts are not something which i personally desire to experience. for me it feels like i have to deal with things that i don't need to deal with. then i begin to overanalyse and feel like i'm trying to find a solution to a situation or relationship in life which was never a problem in the first place. but in my case right now "these thoughts" have come to my advantage. it has actually made me re-evaluate and thus value the relationships that i do have and it has once again reminded me of what i desire to do in the future and what i want out of life and what i must do. so i guess these circumstances arise like a double edged sword. they can internally slice and hack through things that could cause permanent damage, but on the other hand they can heal and create worth for things that have been taken for granted. so i encourage everyone, once you get that thought, use it to remind yourself of why you live, who you love and what is most important to your transitory existence haha.

apologies if this didn't make sense at all, its still processing in my mind as we speak haha.

love

p.s. i couldn't find a brain on a platter (literally) but this is a splendid picture. (courtesy of http://slightlybored.tumblr.com/)

thought # 19- i'm a failure

at keeping promises relating to anything regarding my sleeping patterns. i profess i am an insomniac and i probably need help but my laziness is hindering me from ever going professional haha. so i awoke at a horrible almost 3pm today, which makes me feel like the day has already eradicated and i feel sloth- like and utterly disgusting. to be honest, the remaining hours of the day in which i spent being awake are a mere blur except for attending powerhouse for the first time. i must say the atmosphere is soooo different but i personally adored it. it was very laid-back, quiet, mature and pleasant. i think i shall be enjoying wednesday evenings in the company of 18-25 year olds haha. that being said, i truly do miss wildlife and the ecstatic, craziness that occurs (i will attempt to visit whenever i gain the opportunity). its quite odd having friday nights free for once. it almost feels like i should be at this non-existent gathering that i am creating subconsciously as part of my routine week haha. but now i should be happy to have friday nights free to engage in other things... such as watching movies!

my goodness this summer has blossomed with an incredible line up of movies. some of the following im intending to see include:

• iheart movie.
• where the wild things are.
• zombieland.
• bright star (i think its called that).
• nowhere boy.
• moonlight cinemas and drive-ins

i cannot wait to turn into a squared film whore. i am beyond excited. until next time my dear friends,

love

p.s. the summer playdate. second row: myself. tenth/eleventh row: favourite boy haha.

(thanks danise)

thought # 18- i feel empowered when speaking to my computer

on a camera of course. not the mere inanimate object that it is (though i secretly indulge in conversing to things which i know will never respond and thus secure my victory in every arguement). there really is something hilariously self-centred, amusing and fun ranting, laughing and singing in front of a camera knowing very well that a fragment of your life and an excerpt into your personal world is being recorded for all to see, scrutinise and hopefully appreciate. this is what my dear friend joseph rana and i decided to fill our afternoon with. we recorded a request for the youtube channel i still wonder why i have in the first place, before having watched a sappy ( but not sappy or sad enough due to the survival of the female protagonist in the movie...) old school film called love affair.

in between self-controlled gorging and chatter regarding love, life and all it encompasses, we decided to have an impromptu jamming session, involving made-up riffs and spontaneous rhymes. it was delightful and fun and moreso pathetic through each song we started but never seemed to conclude. i must say today was delightful. sadly though i was called for work in the morning but due to my prior commitment, i could not attend to my manager's desperation in needing someone to cover. i hope she really did, i feel guilty... sorry :(  nevertheless, i shall end today's ramble here. far more shorter than usual but there is not much to share. i am excited about powerhouse tomorrow eve! my first one, i shall let you all know.

love

p.s. we evidently made alot of noise today haha. (another masterpiece of http://otarie.tumblr.com)