thought #25- i feel a bit diffused

today doesn't feel like a particularly triumphant day. even as i write, i feel utterly drained and scattered like the sand a naughty child is attempting to blow into the eyes of their siblings. my day was relatively uneventful but emergencies hindered me from any festive feelings. now i feel worn down and in need of rest. well not physical rest because most of my week has been spent lazing, gorging and waking up during the most ridiculous hours of the afternoon but i guess spiritual/emotional rest. the many thoughts which have been stitched into my system, combined with this evening's ordeals have caused me to crave ridding myself of any negativity and qualms and to just focus on the bigger picture and the relationship with the Creator (of which i am in desperate need to address).

i need a mental holiday before i go into an emotional breakdown haha. im kidding its not that serious.
well i better go as tomorrow appears to be a busy day.

love

p.s. definitely feeling like transparent today. (thanks danise)

thought # 20- i don't like using my brain

when i don't need to. let me elaborate. lately things have occurred, which for the sake of dignity and confidentiality of those involved i will disclose, which have made me think. ponder, muse, brood... however you like to describe the process that occurs when one person says something that makes you doubt/question/re-think fragments of your life, relationships and the quotidian routine. it's not a bad thing of course, however, sometimes it causes you to look back to things which have remained dormant or lacked attention for quite some time.

sometimes its not something you desire to face at this point in life, but sometimes it must be done. similarly to having to take cough medicine which tastes like a sugary version of ass and can make you vomit at the sickening feeling it summons. though the remedy is foul it must be done to avoid a small cold from emerging into a mess of an illness. i believe "these thoughts" i've been experiencing lately are exactly that. a slap in the face and a far deeper look into reality.

to be honest these thoughts are not something which i personally desire to experience. for me it feels like i have to deal with things that i don't need to deal with. then i begin to overanalyse and feel like i'm trying to find a solution to a situation or relationship in life which was never a problem in the first place. but in my case right now "these thoughts" have come to my advantage. it has actually made me re-evaluate and thus value the relationships that i do have and it has once again reminded me of what i desire to do in the future and what i want out of life and what i must do. so i guess these circumstances arise like a double edged sword. they can internally slice and hack through things that could cause permanent damage, but on the other hand they can heal and create worth for things that have been taken for granted. so i encourage everyone, once you get that thought, use it to remind yourself of why you live, who you love and what is most important to your transitory existence haha.

apologies if this didn't make sense at all, its still processing in my mind as we speak haha.

love

p.s. i couldn't find a brain on a platter (literally) but this is a splendid picture. (courtesy of http://slightlybored.tumblr.com/)