thought #254- nothing appears as it seems

just because i feel ready doesn't mean it's time and just because you were nice to me for one night, one moment, one week, doesn't mean you're a nice person at all and just because i think it's right doesn't necessarily mean it isn't wrong. just because you have a good life and lots of pretty things and a privileged existence doesn't mean you have the right. and just because you're beautiful externally doesn't mean you have a heart to match. just because i made a mistake doesn't mean i think you are one. just because i appear fine and unaffected and nonchalant in your presence doesn't mean it's not chaotic in the brain and the heart. just because you promised doesn't mean you won't tell and just because i care now doesn't mean i'll care forever. just because you can't say how you feel doesn't mean you're not feeling anything at all and just because i think you're immature and insecure doesn't mean i don't think you'll grow and find who you are in the future. just because we met under unfortunate circumstances doesn't mean meeting you was unfortunate. just because i'm hurt now, doesn't mean i'll never cease to be hurt. just because we can't be friends doesn't mean i never considered you to be one. just because i let you see my weaknesses doesn't mean i don't know my strengths. just because it's hard doesn't give you the right to think i'm easy. just because you're fucked up doesn't mean you will be perpetually. just because i couldn't love you doesn't mean i hated you. just because i'm saying goodbye now doesn't mean i'll never say hello again. just because i want to break your heart sometimes doesn't mean i don't want to mend it. just because you don't know who you are doesn't justify why you thought you had me all figured out. just because i feel ready doesn't mean it's time.

love,

thought #253- and for what?

everything happens for a reason. the feeling that died, the person who got away, the moment you didn’t take, the words you never said and that part of yourself you lost along the way. all for a reason. the time you didn’t use, the things you abused and the people you took for granted. the lesson you thought you never learnt and the growing up that reluctantly occurred in between. because one day you’ll see the answers come into fruition. You’ll sigh to yourself and say ahhh now I get it. because with patience, you’ll come to realise that you would of never birthed resilience into your system if that feeling still stuck to you like a gaping wound and the person who got away was not the person you are with now, and the moment you didn’t take saved you from real regret and the words you never said was a blessing in disguise and if you had never lost that part of yourself, then there would be no way for you to be found by the best thing to ever come into your life.

love,

thought #252- one nerve

dear feelings,

you're shit. to be fair, you've only been provoked by the actions of careless and inconsiderate handsome strangers, but still; you seem to never learn. it upsets me to think that your easily swayed nature will be the reason for me to crumble in front of people who have painted my portrait with their assumptions and judgements. i wish you were more resilient, more strong, more brave to steer me into rationality. instead i feel all you do is summon my insecurities and repeat my mistakes like some sordid director pleasuring in perpetual takes of movie scenes (life). i wish you wouldn't care so much for trivialities like  that jerk you can't stop caring for. i wish you weren't hurt over selfish stabs at your pride. i wish you could be the bigger person. sometimes i sense that you want to recede and eventually disappear. sometimes you cooperate with my mind. sometimes i think to myself how easier life would be if only you were absent. sometimes you are my source of pain. i wish you had the courage to not pretend that you're fine. i wish you would be candid sometimes because right now, there is a gaping wound where the best part of you should be occupying. 

love, 

thought #251- deal or no deal?

Apologies for the absence of presence these last few weeks! London town has been such an amazing experience so far. I already don't want to leave and it's only been a week and a half into the start of the semester! I can anticipate more crazy shenanigans, late nights studying and partying hard. Everyone in the flat is lovely and it feel real homey and fam which helps cure the homesickness to an extent. So to recount last night's fresher party was insane. Copious amounts of alcohol which resulted in a lack of toilet bowl to the head was actually quite surprising. Everything else that went down was also quite surprising. Apart from my ridiculous hour sleep and 9-5 Uni the next day of utter torture, I had a great night. I'll be honest the shit that went down last night has left me in a strange state. I'm not exactly happy or sad nor regretful or brooding I guess it's just a lot to process especially at how sudden things came about. I mean ideally I wish it wasn't as careless and indifferent and perhaps if feelings were involved it would of been better (but also worse) but I guess that's how things pan out. I don't know about the other party but I hope we get to a place of mutual understanding about things and realise that it's all part of the life learning experience. Right now I feel run down by my lifestyle of late and I'm actually looking forward to a chill weekend of just zoning out and getting away from it all. I just hope things don't escalate or disappear into awkward nothingness because I don't think I can deal with a semester of it. I definitely did miss home and suddenly felt vulnerable after last night which was very out of character. It feels like I've been very mature and emotionless about the situation but inside I'm about to burst. I think at that point I did wish I was in the company of close friends, family and familiarity. But I mean life goes on and things change and at the end of the day it's only awkward, bad or weird if you both make it to be so I'm just going to take it as it comes and not feel pressured to make sudden decisions over brash actions. I mean if it was up to me I wish I could say I felt happy about the situation and moment but I think it was more of an eye opener about what I actually want in life and who I am. It really stretched my moral boundaries & I hope one day I can look back on it more fondly or at least with a sense that there's a purpose for everything, a time and place to be feeling the way you are and that one day you can make the deal and you'll realise then that it was worth the wait.

Love,

thought #250 - it always works out in theory

So it's almost been a week since I packed my bags, bid Sydney farewell and giddily left for my exciting temporary London life. So far it's been mundane and tame but I'm not complaining because heck i'm a thousand miles away from home and I don't think this chance will come again any time soon. I'm basking in the lazy life before Uni preoccupies my days and I have to force myself to get back to the routine of study and normal human sleeping patterns. Perhaps it's homesickness or this ridiculous sudden change of pace and perspective for me... But it really feels like something a little life changing is going to happen soon and I'm both stoked and scared shitless by it all. I guess after all the honeymoon phase of independent bliss has worn off I wonder how I'll get back to the old life & if i can actually return. I know in sounding like a dramatic wench right here but I've never been one to embrace change naturally. I mean I tend to always be the one who is always complaining about needing to turn tables and see new sides, sights and faces but part of me is anxious to keep precious relationships and values and beliefs in tact... But what if it can't happen when I get back? What if I become so far off or suddenly deranged? I know I'm overreacting but I guess this desire for a new identity was much more easier said in theory than reality. But this doesn't mean I'm going to hold back in the life living and once in a life time experiences and opportunities that come my way in the next 6 months. It just means that I may do some crazy things and maybe make a few "learning" mistakes and I may change in perspective and attitude towards life and the world but at the end of the day it's all about keeping yourself true to who you are, who your Creator fashioned you to be and not getting lost in carnality or have your soul snatched up by selfishness. It's a big world out there with innumerable decisions to be made for a life only lived and given once... You do the math.

Love,

thought #249- London town love

after many months of the silent treatment, working hard for the monies and a relentless 20 hour plane ride, i have finally arrived in the land of perpetual dreary weather, reliable public transport systems, gorgeous accents and equally gorgeous men... london! i know i'm a little delayed in the recounting but i've been preoccupied with jet lag, adjusting to sleeping patterns, getting my way around, shopping away my monthly allowance and getting used to the reality that i'm in this alone. every time i think about it, the thought is bittersweet. i mean half of me knows this is exactly what i wanted to be half way across the world in a foreign country, finding fragments of myself along the way. but of course the latter half misses the comfort, familiarity and the favourite people in my life. but in totality i'm ridiculously excited about what will happen and how life will pan out for the next six months. yes the excitement is peppered with fear, frustration, uncertainty and temptation but most of all it's illuminated by this sense of hope. hope that whatever i was thinking before i left will find an answer or at least peace and whatever i am wishing for now will find its way here too. all this potential is making me excited. seriously all i want to do is wander, and get lost and fall in love and write about it and take photos. i know it sounds so whimsical and romantic but with a time limit on me, i'm prepared to temporarily bury my heartless, cold bitch demeanour and embrace everything. i'm actually looking forward to moving into the apartment and going to uni and perhaps even be social for once haha. until my next "wanderlust" entry about some crazy thing i've done... big hugs and love and missing home incredibly but loving each moment of being away.

love,

PS. the beautiful river thames.

thought #248- alternate realities

we would meet outside a pub, his body leaning with a peculiar deftness. he would appear confident, indifferent and effortless. his locks would be overgrown; facial hair. tattoos scrawled across his flesh. he would wear ripped clothing coupled with vintage and worn in leather. scuffed boots at his feet. he would talk lazily, a drawl summoned on his own accord. he would know no hue but black and white. his lips curled, he would smell of rich alpine, cigarette smoke and whiskey. i would watch him play, strum his guitar and recklessly plunge his throat into the unfathomable depths of a melody. we would share in cheap conversation, he would forget my name twice. he would offer me a paradise taken by the tounge. perhaps there may be a morning after.

we would meet in an office. at the very first board meeting. our eyes would casually rest on each other. it would be slightly awkward and we refrain from smiling at each other. he would be young and fresh from university. he would have hair the colour of sand tread upon by innumerable travellers. he would have a british accent and a lean, tall body that would somewhat hint years of polo and privileged living. he would be shy to ask at first but summon the courage to engage in small talk. he would eventually take me out to lunch. to sushi. we would agree on different dishes. we would find plenty of similarities and differences. we would leave flirtatious post-it notes on each other's desk. perhaps there may be a relationship in there somewhere.

we would meet at a mutual friend's wedding. he would be a friend of the groom, i a friend of the bride's. he would be a brunette, blue eyed, cute. unconventionally handsome. he would quote movie lines from every film imaginable and hum theme songs of television series habitually. we would be forced to engage in endless hours of torturous dancing and preparation. at first we would not be attracted to one another but as the weeks spent together accumulate, a sort of fondness lingers. we would spend the wedding day at each other's side. i would fall asleep on his shoulder and he would tuck me into bed. perhaps there maybe a call me after.

we would meet in a foreign country. i would ask him for directions and he would offer to walk with me. he would be handsome; older. he would be successful, conservative. he would mention that he was a widow but have no children. he would be emotional, yet driven. sensitive yet sensible. he would ask for my name and forget no detail in what i've shared. he would pepper our conversation with pearls of wisdom and paragons of proverbs. he would drop me at my desired location and tip his hat courteously. he will ask to see me again, take me to a deserted beach or mountain range untainted and unspoilt by human perversion. perhaps there may be an intimacy, perhaps an unorthodox connection.

we would have known each other all our lives, where we first met would be trivial detail. he would almost be a sibling. we would do life with each other and see other people. fall in love with other people. kiss each other at 13 on new years eve and feel nothing remotely romantic about the moment. we would engage in dead-end jobs, complain about the confining world of tertiatry education and spend weekends watching movies, emptying bottles of wine and rolling jays. we would graduate and i would move north and consequently leave him behind and he would feign that he didn't care, play platonic and distant and wish me the best and subtly hint the numerous flings i would have with strange european hunks. we would spend the last day before my flight in his bed, talking and crying and feeling pathetic but more so real. we would feel it, whatever it is. i would hate him for not persuading me to stay. he will refer to me as his best friend. perhaps there may be an ending to it.

love,