thought #252- one nerve

dear feelings,

you're shit. to be fair, you've only been provoked by the actions of careless and inconsiderate handsome strangers, but still; you seem to never learn. it upsets me to think that your easily swayed nature will be the reason for me to crumble in front of people who have painted my portrait with their assumptions and judgements. i wish you were more resilient, more strong, more brave to steer me into rationality. instead i feel all you do is summon my insecurities and repeat my mistakes like some sordid director pleasuring in perpetual takes of movie scenes (life). i wish you wouldn't care so much for trivialities like  that jerk you can't stop caring for. i wish you weren't hurt over selfish stabs at your pride. i wish you could be the bigger person. sometimes i sense that you want to recede and eventually disappear. sometimes you cooperate with my mind. sometimes i think to myself how easier life would be if only you were absent. sometimes you are my source of pain. i wish you had the courage to not pretend that you're fine. i wish you would be candid sometimes because right now, there is a gaping wound where the best part of you should be occupying. 

love, 

thought# 68- its such a shame we become anonymous in heart break

heavily inspired by mayer's heartbreak warfare i bluntly scribbled out a song yesterday, whilst nursing a headache and cursing the horrible gloomy weather. i guess i could recount on how placid my day was, how i endured public transport and back breaking textbooks and starring at a handsome stranger (not from my course) and walking past people shooting a film/tv scene on railway square and remaining anti-social at every opportunity to befriend (sigh) and seeing so many toonie students at blacktown and laughing hysterically at my parents on the subject of teenage pregnancies and everything else in between, but it wouldn't really capture the essence of what my thoughts revolve around these days. its funny how it only takes one song to elucidate things that would take ramblings to even get a gist.

so here it is, forgive the sketchiness. it was done very quickly and unedited and so emotional that it might no even make sense. but then again, isn't that what describes humanity? haha

anonymous in heartbreak
020310


verse 1:


when two must part, and one departs
who is the winner?
the one who said goodbye,
or the one who refuses to cry?
those two will meet other lives, 
less hurt to be glorified, more love to be memorised.
and eventually the two will be unheard of...


...its such a shame we become anonymous in heartbreak.


chorus:


tell me who is the winner, who is the victor in heartbreak?
who is the loser, the defeated contender in heartbreak?
there is no such thing (x2)
when we both become strangers and neither one leaves with smiles on their faces,
its a shame we become anonymous in heartbreak.


verse 2:


when things must end,
who will defend their autonomy?
the first to say sorry or the one in a hurry to forget?
who is the loser the one who's more bitter or the one who feigns not to be?
and eventually this will become part of history...


...its such a shame we become anonymous in heartbreak.


fin. self-explaintory.

love,

ps. no im not desperate, or lonely, or hopeless romantic, or quixotic, or idealistic, or nostalgic, or wanting things to be mutual, or in love, or in lost or sad or confused or in regret and definitely not in denial HAHA