thought# 212- i think i fell in love with you

i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised i didn't need you. that i wasn't dependent on you to tell me that i was happy. or sad. or interesting. or fucked. or imperfect. because i was all those things prior to your existence in my life. i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised i didn't need you to complete me, or complete you. that we could be two singular entities and that would be alright. we never needed to engage in nights where i would be on the phone crying to my girlfriends, in between spoonfuls of ben and jerrys, blubbering because you're the only one for me. or you would throw stones at my window, mildly intoxicated, singing "lover you should've come over... it's not too late..." i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised you were beautiful not because you looked like a supermodel, or fulfilled all my fantasies but that you were enough for me and i couldn't ask for anything, anyone more. i think i fell in love with you the moment i realised i didn't deserve you. that i could never give you an assurance that we'd wake up the next morning and i would feel the same way that i did before i closed my eyes on you. you knew and you still followed through. that meant alot to me. i think i fell in love with you the moment when i realised you were the only one i ever really loved and ever really could use my heart against me.  you were my one and only weakness. i think i fell in love with you the moment i realised i could never love you. not even as friend, not even as a lover. i could never be your anything for longer than an interval between breathe and inhale. that bittersweet truth, i could never belong to you.

thought #73- so close to being so close

i think we’ve become so accustomed to “almosts” in life that we fail to recall or value the worth of wholehearted, completeness. we’ve become so comfortable in being almost lovers, almost friends, almost graduated, almost an adult, almost committed, almost here. in between the crux of closeness and half-heartedness.

most of the time we’re not even conscious of this. as if its some part of unspoken tradition, an unknown culture. its normal to not give yourself all away. its the sane thing to do right? why would you ever give all you are to something that may rip you apart in the end (not to be so cynical haha).  i think ive personally become so used to the almost attitude in life that when i suddenly want to give myself totally to aspects of life i feel unfamiliar, frightened, not right.

but that’s how we are called to live. i guess we could settle for being almost anything and lose the value of completeness. i guess we could preoccupy ourselves by being half-assed. i guess we could be fine being so close to being so close yet forever being taunted by the unknown, undiscovered distance between almost and there. so next time you fall in love, next time you want to succeed, next time you want to give flesh, bone, heart and brain,  be prepared for the heartbreak, disappointment and maybe "not quites". be prepared to know that if you give your all you may not get it all back in return. but that’s the only way to love and exist. i mean you are human after all, you're not supposed to have everything intact, you're not supposed to know togetherness in your carnal, mortal nature. but at least you can walk away, get hurt, toughen your skin and learn wisdom, see that you were made for something much more than yourself, without having to ever say “ i almost got there.”

love,

ps. almost. 

thought# 68- its such a shame we become anonymous in heart break

heavily inspired by mayer's heartbreak warfare i bluntly scribbled out a song yesterday, whilst nursing a headache and cursing the horrible gloomy weather. i guess i could recount on how placid my day was, how i endured public transport and back breaking textbooks and starring at a handsome stranger (not from my course) and walking past people shooting a film/tv scene on railway square and remaining anti-social at every opportunity to befriend (sigh) and seeing so many toonie students at blacktown and laughing hysterically at my parents on the subject of teenage pregnancies and everything else in between, but it wouldn't really capture the essence of what my thoughts revolve around these days. its funny how it only takes one song to elucidate things that would take ramblings to even get a gist.

so here it is, forgive the sketchiness. it was done very quickly and unedited and so emotional that it might no even make sense. but then again, isn't that what describes humanity? haha

anonymous in heartbreak
020310


verse 1:


when two must part, and one departs
who is the winner?
the one who said goodbye,
or the one who refuses to cry?
those two will meet other lives, 
less hurt to be glorified, more love to be memorised.
and eventually the two will be unheard of...


...its such a shame we become anonymous in heartbreak.


chorus:


tell me who is the winner, who is the victor in heartbreak?
who is the loser, the defeated contender in heartbreak?
there is no such thing (x2)
when we both become strangers and neither one leaves with smiles on their faces,
its a shame we become anonymous in heartbreak.


verse 2:


when things must end,
who will defend their autonomy?
the first to say sorry or the one in a hurry to forget?
who is the loser the one who's more bitter or the one who feigns not to be?
and eventually this will become part of history...


...its such a shame we become anonymous in heartbreak.


fin. self-explaintory.

love,

ps. no im not desperate, or lonely, or hopeless romantic, or quixotic, or idealistic, or nostalgic, or wanting things to be mutual, or in love, or in lost or sad or confused or in regret and definitely not in denial HAHA