apologies for my cold shoulder treatment lately. it's been a concoction of busy, surprising, boring and cold (both to describe the state of my health and the weather forecast). since my last stressful post, i am feeling much less anxious and a little more at ease despite my impending final semester exams. before i divulge in greater detail about the changes and thoughts that have taken captive over my capacity to think, i must say these past few weeks of freed up space to think, muse, sleep, sing, indulge and spend quality time with some of my beloveds has been utterly divine. perhaps it truly was a blessing in disguise to have been let off from zanui and find time to actually live a little as opposed to my six day working week and full time uni workload extravaganza. during this time i've been honestly self-indulgent and rather reckless with my consumption of caffeine, cigarettes and junk food which, combined with the dangerous ingredient of freezing weather has caused me to feel lethargic, fat and unfit. but on the upside, i guess it's what i need to keep me sane. now onto the big stuff. firstly, i've gotten a job at the iconic doing content writing (what my previous job entailed). i start on monday and i'm beyond excited to get back to the office grind. just hoping my new family will be just as lovely as my zanui girls and boy. i am so blessed to have gotten the job and at perfect timing too! second, my free time has caused me to spend more time with one of my best guy friends. yes this is the boy i carelessly and non-subtly heartspilled over. to be honest that situation leaves me in some sort of mixed signal limbo. i understand that i stand very friend-zoned with him and though he is purely platonic with things, it's hard not to feel irregular beyond platonic feelings. it's frustrating to an extent and often very hard to tell but i draw the line at overanalysing and understand where i stand and let things come as they may. i do enjoy the company and i should be grateful that someone like this exists in my life to which i can be that comfortable. i guess sometimes being so compatible or similar in your weaknesses is what can be the hindering factor of it all. third is news about londontown. so after their horrific absence of communication, last week i was given news that i must renew my passport before an offer letter can be given to me. this important info that could of been mentioned a little earlier meant that i had to quickly renew it last week and am now once again back on the waiting game for my new passport to arrive. i guess i can only finally breathe easy once i've finally received the offer letter and can finally book flights and get my visa! what else is there? oh i got some new ink too. both representing and pertaining to my family. three lines for my dad, mum and myself which is also the vertical version of an equals to sign. and also a stick figure house (similarly to my childhood doodles). once they heal up i'm planning to add short hand symbols for goodness and abundance at the top and bottom of the house in relation to one of my favourite bible verses Psalms 65:11 "You crown the year with Your goodness, and Your paths drip with abundance."
my addictiveness to ink is frightening me but i have one more planned and may stop after two...
i've also been rehearsing with the boys for an upcoming gig on june 9 saturday at mars hill cafe (shameless self promoting!) details are here: http://www.facebook.com/events/243280245773453
please spread the word and hope to see you all there!
i think that's where the excitement ends for me. hopefully everything just runs smoothly and comes to pass in His perfectly ordained time. hope i also get better from this horrible cold! take care my lovers and will promise to keep you posted and out of the dark more often now haha
love,
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
thought #241- Lost or just less found?
So lately and especially this week has been rather traumatic and stressful to say the least. I'm not usually one to engage in pressure tests but recent events and emotions have driven me to my wit's end. In one week the comfortable lull of my existence and routine has been interrupted by unexpected changes. Apart from influx of assignments, uni work and impending finals big game changers have reared its head. Firstly my job at zanui ended abruptly, due to downsizing. This was rather shocking and disappointing. I did enjoy working at the office and meeting these beautiful people whom I never really did get the opportunity to lengthen our chatters and lunches to after work shenanigans. The now sudden shortage of income has now caused a buckle in the savings but I hope to figure out my next step as soon as I get word from exchange. To be honest exchange has been the ball cruncher for me since April. I have been waiting ever patiently, praying to receive that acceptance letter but it he silence does frighten me. After receiving multiple housing offers I am still left in the dark regarding any offers and I fear rejection (especially in this case) may actually cause an internal crumbling. I don't know how much to express my desire to see Europe, to live independently, to taste the world and come back with broadened horizons, prospective job opportunities, more purpose and devotion and even that European hunk I've been salivating and saving myself for since forever Ahaha but really it is something my heart aches for and just the thought of not being given the chance kills me so much. I guess it's still hoping and praying and believing it will be good news for me. Then lastly there's the feelings. Lately my position romantic wise has looked bleak (lately? More like for two years haha). As I've articulated numerous times though the thought of a real deal relationship is appealing I think I'm in this stage and position in life where I just want to have fun. No I don't mean whore around and break hearts and spirits aha I just mean take things lightheartedly, don't rush, be brave and a little deranged at it but wise and guarded all the way through. And if that babe for me comes along in the process then I've hit jackpot if not I can save it for the settling down. I mean i admit this sort of mentality isnt for everyone but right now with the whole cosmos trying to grab a piece of attention, the less drama is all I could want. Recently I've been getting questioned about my feelings for the bestfraaaand and frankly I wouldn't say no to the chance, I wouldn't back out if it happened and i'd probably say yes if asked but the fact that this is all hypothetical is enough for me to believe its all a platonic companionship with us. Keeping our lonely selves occupied and being the gap between absolute loneliness and finding that boy/girl for each other. I think that's what it is and I don't want to ovrranslyse with a shitload of over complications imagined in the membrane haha. Plus let's not forget no closure probably the only guy I secretly and deeply down inside have never fully gotten over... Oh dear. Can you see why I'm feeling the heat? I crave for rest, peace, a Thai message, a Korean BBQ dinner, bud, retail therapy and good old chat with the Big Man. That's what I really want. Peace of mind.
Love,
PS. I want all these feelings. Like a flood. Right now.
Love,
PS. I want all these feelings. Like a flood. Right now.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
thought #240- my best friend's wedding
so i think i'm in love with my best friend. well actually i don't. that's a fairly huge overstatement and i just wanted to be dramatic haha. however recently things have caused abnormalities in my typically and otherwise cold, pathetic excuse of a heart. now i don't know what it is (actually I do know since he's a mega babe), but i've had bouts when it comes to fancying this person. i thought i got it out of my system after high school and the notion of crushes and such were dispelled by the even more depressing notion of reality. other boys entered my life some momentarily, others lasting long enough to cause an indent (don't even get me started on that...) and somehow this person shifted from pretty boy fantasy to best friend material. we got closer and more platonic, secrets shared, life lived. he became someone i could trust and be comfortable with, someone who would remain a presence in post high school life. and soon after, life took its course, shit went down and we all willingly grew up. our penchants for cigarettes and ciders and movie marathons and dinners somehow just fit perfectly into our lives. things that i never noticed in my youth, i suddenly did now like his views and the way he thinks and how i totally understand and i think it is only recently, after having been single for awhile, that my internal struggle and the thin line that i dare to tread from platonic to paramour is even considered. but there are alot of things that frighten me to be in this situation. i am cautious when people ask "so do you like him?" because it feels like we're so past this question, this juvenile distinction between friends and lovers. i do but i don't (want to) and it's getting harder to deny that i have just friends feelings for this person. it's funny actually because i'm not smitten or feeling like im in dazed crush over it. i think its the company that really gets to me. the whole notion of spending the day with this person and feeling good about everything. now don't get this mistaken with the butterflies in my stomach, thinking about him everyday shit. it's just this feeling that maybe deep down, i could actually be with this person. especially since i don't want to be with anyone like that right now. this conundrum actually scares me shitless. but back to the dilemma.
first we're good friends. it isn't the same as meeting someone new at a party or from a mutual friend and engaging in the whole meet and greet and "see each other" kind of phase. it is actually a big deal in comparison to someone who for a moment intrigues and interests you and say if things didn't work out and he falls off the face of the earth that you wouldn't be devestated for life. i'd be gutted if we stopped talking forever over a trivial lovers quarrel. i mean what if we do end up being together, but we're horrible for each other and so we break up but it's just impossible to be friends again? there's way too much at risk.
second, the rejection. i know for a fact that being such good friends we are pretty blunt and non-secretive with our love life. i know i can tell this person much with confidence. for all these years he has never told me he's liked me or even hinted the notion. we've always been platonic, nothing ever coming close to intimacy. there's never been a drunk hook up to attach anything to, not even an i like you (year nine doesn't count haha). so there is a very big chance that a sudden revelation of my non-friendly feelings could result in an awkward rejection that could taint our friendship forever. i hate to overanalyse but there are moments that make me question. however i'm too chicken shit to ruin something that is great as it is. i guess i'll just have to torture myself internally... because at the end of the day it's a question of all or nothing.
third, am i just wanting a friend with benefits? as you know i'm in no position to be in a relationship at this current stage of my life. as horrible, carnal and ruthless as i'm going to sound right now i'm going to be straightforward and honest. i want a boyfriend minus the boyfriend. right now i would be content to be someone's girl provided we can go on our separate ways when the mutual need to move on is reached. i know, part of me thinks its impossible. that there's no thing as a mutual separation and there is absolutely zero consideration for what the guy wants (what if he actually wants a real girlfriend?) but seriously if someone could be that guy i would want it to be this person. purely because i trust this person, and adore this person and would never consider getting together with someone who will treat me as another number (from experience). It kind of doesn't help that I'm physically attracted to him (great).
but at the end of the day the three factors boil down to how he feels, and how i stand in his life. the thing is, i dont think ill ever get the guts to ask. even while intoxicated. because i fear hearing things i don't want to. i fear affirmation for the things i'm avoiding and i fear the most of shattering this solidified mutual happiness. i want to be happy as a friend. and when the time comes and i have to look back in retrospect, i can imagine falling in love and being happy with someone that isn't him. the thing is i can be happy to be just his platonic friend, and someone special in my life. but then again i can be happy with him too. but right now as selfish as it sounds i do want him. but more than that i want to know. and yes for the record i'd probably lose my shit the day he gets a girl for real. but i just don't want to end up like julia roberts being rejected by her best friend when it's too fucking late and you have to feign to the rest of the world that you didn't expect it to end that way.
love,
Ps. Fuck this overanalysation of a post :(
first we're good friends. it isn't the same as meeting someone new at a party or from a mutual friend and engaging in the whole meet and greet and "see each other" kind of phase. it is actually a big deal in comparison to someone who for a moment intrigues and interests you and say if things didn't work out and he falls off the face of the earth that you wouldn't be devestated for life. i'd be gutted if we stopped talking forever over a trivial lovers quarrel. i mean what if we do end up being together, but we're horrible for each other and so we break up but it's just impossible to be friends again? there's way too much at risk.
second, the rejection. i know for a fact that being such good friends we are pretty blunt and non-secretive with our love life. i know i can tell this person much with confidence. for all these years he has never told me he's liked me or even hinted the notion. we've always been platonic, nothing ever coming close to intimacy. there's never been a drunk hook up to attach anything to, not even an i like you (year nine doesn't count haha). so there is a very big chance that a sudden revelation of my non-friendly feelings could result in an awkward rejection that could taint our friendship forever. i hate to overanalyse but there are moments that make me question. however i'm too chicken shit to ruin something that is great as it is. i guess i'll just have to torture myself internally... because at the end of the day it's a question of all or nothing.
third, am i just wanting a friend with benefits? as you know i'm in no position to be in a relationship at this current stage of my life. as horrible, carnal and ruthless as i'm going to sound right now i'm going to be straightforward and honest. i want a boyfriend minus the boyfriend. right now i would be content to be someone's girl provided we can go on our separate ways when the mutual need to move on is reached. i know, part of me thinks its impossible. that there's no thing as a mutual separation and there is absolutely zero consideration for what the guy wants (what if he actually wants a real girlfriend?) but seriously if someone could be that guy i would want it to be this person. purely because i trust this person, and adore this person and would never consider getting together with someone who will treat me as another number (from experience). It kind of doesn't help that I'm physically attracted to him (great).
but at the end of the day the three factors boil down to how he feels, and how i stand in his life. the thing is, i dont think ill ever get the guts to ask. even while intoxicated. because i fear hearing things i don't want to. i fear affirmation for the things i'm avoiding and i fear the most of shattering this solidified mutual happiness. i want to be happy as a friend. and when the time comes and i have to look back in retrospect, i can imagine falling in love and being happy with someone that isn't him. the thing is i can be happy to be just his platonic friend, and someone special in my life. but then again i can be happy with him too. but right now as selfish as it sounds i do want him. but more than that i want to know. and yes for the record i'd probably lose my shit the day he gets a girl for real. but i just don't want to end up like julia roberts being rejected by her best friend when it's too fucking late and you have to feign to the rest of the world that you didn't expect it to end that way.
love,
Ps. Fuck this overanalysation of a post :(
Thursday, April 12, 2012
thought #239- Twenteen
i honestly cannot believe that in two and a bit days i will graduate from adolescence (numerically, don't know about in maturity or physical measures) and turn 20. am i excited? not particularly. but the aging process is inevitable and i guess i just have to be hopeful and optimistic about things the way i was at the start of 2012. i guess the whole confirmation of finally becoming a member of the 20's club just makes me even more daunted by my future and the thought of actually needing to get my shit together. in retrospect, the young, naive and former abi was really expecting too much from the now, older and maybe a little wiser abi of today. but that doesn't mean i've abandoned all hope and plans and dreams. there is still so much to be done. i can only hope and pray that i will be taken by where He leads and to stop acting so juvenile as i have lately. anyway i actually wasn't here to write a moody and brooding farewell to my teenage years (i'll probably do that on the day before my bday haha) i actually wanted to share me gift wishlist. another part of my juvenile practices that i seem to never get past. i've always made wishlists for every birthday and christmas and i guess this tradition won't be ceasing until maybe 30 when i realise i should stop being so selfish haha.
the birthday wishlist
love,
the birthday wishlist
- funkis clogs. i surprisingly didn't get a pair for christmas so maybe i'll be fortunate this time around. currently lusting over the high plait sandal pair in natural or the very high clog in grey (mainly because it's the only styles i don't have yet haha).
- and more shoes. since i rarely buy shoes, mainly because of my impossibly suitable feet, when i finally desire something, it comes in masses. my top selections (but not limited to this) include:
- hunter orignal short classic gumboots in black (size 7) (i need these),
- mollini fragile wedges in black size 37 (divine!)
- acne pistol short booties (size 7) but since i'm more realistic i'll settle for something like these asos boots or sole society boots from the iconic (size 38)
- Cheap Monday Kloss Horse Peep Toe Boots in black (size 7) (so in love)
- vans lo pro black leather (size 7.5 i think?)
- converse all star embossed leather hi cut chucks in black (size 7) (i have an affinity for leather shoes as you can see).
- vlieger and vandam guardian angel soft l black tote . i've technically already got the $$ to buy this but it's current sold out status has made me rather upset. i guess i'll just have to be patient until mid april... zzz
- Herschel Market Tote Bag cute little uni/day bag.
- a new wallet. i am in desperate need of a new wallet. but this time round i actually don't want a real wallet, in a sense i'm not after those bulky space filling abominations. i'd rather have a small almost pouch like version, especially when i just want to abandon my bag and rid myself of growing posture pains. i'm tossing up between a cute comme de garcons, classic prada, ever in love acne, minimalist celine or edgey wang... or one of each could work too haha
- karen walker number six sunglasses i have been dying to have these for ages now haha
- and a fuck load of clothing. especially winter. bring on the beanies, trench coats, cute knits, floral pants and everything in between.
- skins season 1-5 (the box set i saw at hum on king at newtown) is a must!
- a boyfriend
love,
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
thought #238- haven't come across one these in awhile
Could you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
hahaha no comment
Have you been upset the past few days?
yes, in bouts. Must be a girl thing.
Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three months?
yeah
Have you ever fallen asleep in school?
yes
Do you have empty bottles of alcohol anywhere?
no gross
Relationships or one night stand?
relationships have always been of greater value to me.
When was the last time you were told you were cute?
on friday at dolli's 21st haha
Ever sat in someone’s lap because there were no more seats in a vehicle?
yes when i was like five
Do you have sex everyday?
no
Is there anyone in the room with you?
no
Can you honestly say you’re okay right now?
yes and no
What would happen if you were locked in a room with the last person you kissed?
... who was the last person i kissed?
Have you kissed the last person you texted?
no... not yet. hahaha kidding
Do you want a tattoo?
definitely. already scheming as we speak
Ever kissed someone that smokes?
yeah
Could you go a month without talking to your best friends?
no, i would go insane.
Have you ever found someone you really really really liked?
yes, sigh.
Think of your last two kisses, were they with the same person?
i honestly can't remember who i kissed... it's been that long.
Do you think you will kiss someone tomorrow?
highly doubt
How late did you stay up last night and why?
the usual 12-1am because i'm an insomniac and addicted to draw something.
What were you doing at eight am this morning?
rushing to get ready for uni
Have you cuddled with someone you weren’t dating?
all the time
Were you single on Valentine’s Day?
yeah, typical
Do you think someone is thinking about you now?
i'd like to say yes but that's just wishful thinking.
When you’re bored in class, what do you usually do?
go on twitter, draw something or doodle
How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?
they'd go ape shit
Are you a morning person or a night person?
definitely not a morning person that's for sure
Are you content with the current weather?
no it's so unpredictable and gloomy
Do you own many pairs of shorts?
not many
Do you miss someone right now?
i always do
Have you ever taken a close up shot of a flower?
um no?
When was the last time you had alcohol?
last night. pathetic i know.
Do you feel like you just need to be with friends and relax?
yes, i need a holiday
Who was the last person you texted?my favourite stranger
Is there a fan going in the room you’re in?
no
Have you ever relied on coffee to keep you awake?
yes
Have you ever worn a bra on the outside of your shirt?
no
Do you like being naked?
when i'm feeling liberated (or it's ridiculously humid)
Have you ever kissed a giraffe?
are you on mdma?
What’s the last thing you looked up on Wikipedia?
"how to pronounce bon iver"
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
all my jobs to date have been a blessing. thankfully.
Have you ever gotten stuck in quicksand?
no
Can you whistle?
yes, most of time unintended when i'm blowing soup.
How many digits of pie do you have memorized?
3.1 (is it 4 or 9)?
Have you ever been in a pie eating contest?
no
Do you like watermelon?
yes, especially the watermelon flavoured rollies
Where’s one place you’d love to visit in your lifetime?
london (fingers crossed it becomes a reality this year).
Do you pick up pennies that you find on the ground?
depends
Have you ever painted all of your fingernails a different color?
no
What’s your favorite type of cake?
frozen cheesecake or ice cream cake
Have you ever eaten grass?
yes as a kid haha
Are you wearing socks?
no
Are you wearing headphones?
no
When was the last time someone played a practical joke on you?
a few weeks ago, my dad always tries to scare me
Were you upset?
no
How are you feeling now?
tired and almost sleepy
What time is it?
12:26am
What’s your name?
abigail ann cruz
hahaha no comment
Have you been upset the past few days?
yes, in bouts. Must be a girl thing.
Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three months?
yeah
Have you ever fallen asleep in school?
yes
Do you have empty bottles of alcohol anywhere?
no gross
Relationships or one night stand?
relationships have always been of greater value to me.
When was the last time you were told you were cute?
on friday at dolli's 21st haha
Ever sat in someone’s lap because there were no more seats in a vehicle?
yes when i was like five
Do you have sex everyday?
no
Is there anyone in the room with you?
no
Can you honestly say you’re okay right now?
yes and no
What would happen if you were locked in a room with the last person you kissed?
... who was the last person i kissed?
Have you kissed the last person you texted?
no... not yet. hahaha kidding
Do you want a tattoo?
definitely. already scheming as we speak
Ever kissed someone that smokes?
yeah
Could you go a month without talking to your best friends?
no, i would go insane.
Have you ever found someone you really really really liked?
yes, sigh.
Think of your last two kisses, were they with the same person?
i honestly can't remember who i kissed... it's been that long.
Do you think you will kiss someone tomorrow?
highly doubt
How late did you stay up last night and why?
the usual 12-1am because i'm an insomniac and addicted to draw something.
What were you doing at eight am this morning?
rushing to get ready for uni
Have you cuddled with someone you weren’t dating?
all the time
Were you single on Valentine’s Day?
yeah, typical
Do you think someone is thinking about you now?
i'd like to say yes but that's just wishful thinking.
When you’re bored in class, what do you usually do?
go on twitter, draw something or doodle
How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?
they'd go ape shit
Are you a morning person or a night person?
definitely not a morning person that's for sure
Are you content with the current weather?
no it's so unpredictable and gloomy
Do you own many pairs of shorts?
not many
Do you miss someone right now?
i always do
Have you ever taken a close up shot of a flower?
um no?
When was the last time you had alcohol?
last night. pathetic i know.
Do you feel like you just need to be with friends and relax?
yes, i need a holiday
Who was the last person you texted?my favourite stranger
Is there a fan going in the room you’re in?
no
Have you ever relied on coffee to keep you awake?
yes
Have you ever worn a bra on the outside of your shirt?
no
Do you like being naked?
when i'm feeling liberated (or it's ridiculously humid)
Have you ever kissed a giraffe?
are you on mdma?
What’s the last thing you looked up on Wikipedia?
"how to pronounce bon iver"
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
all my jobs to date have been a blessing. thankfully.
Have you ever gotten stuck in quicksand?
no
Can you whistle?
yes, most of time unintended when i'm blowing soup.
How many digits of pie do you have memorized?
3.1 (is it 4 or 9)?
Have you ever been in a pie eating contest?
no
Do you like watermelon?
yes, especially the watermelon flavoured rollies
Where’s one place you’d love to visit in your lifetime?
london (fingers crossed it becomes a reality this year).
Do you pick up pennies that you find on the ground?
depends
Have you ever painted all of your fingernails a different color?
no
What’s your favorite type of cake?
frozen cheesecake or ice cream cake
Have you ever eaten grass?
yes as a kid haha
Are you wearing socks?
no
Are you wearing headphones?
no
When was the last time someone played a practical joke on you?
a few weeks ago, my dad always tries to scare me
Were you upset?
no
How are you feeling now?
tired and almost sleepy
What time is it?
12:26am
What’s your name?
abigail ann cruz
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
thought #238- i could never belong to you
and it wasn't in the moment her face said things like yes and no, ever so carelessly like she was brushing off a date with the nerd to the high school dance. and it wasn't the fact that she was impeccably dressed, a vision in pastel pink. her innocence smothered by all that sex appeal. it wasn't the way she flicked her tresses, as if they were horses ready to gallop away upon command. and no, it wasn't in her fierce stride that made every man in the room melt and congeal at her feet and every woman wish they could either be her or kill her. it wasn't even the polite purse of her lips as if she were hiding its full potential, full bloom. but it was in the way her fingers slightly trembled, her infrangible exterior distracted by her nervousness. it was in the way she looked behind her back incessantly, as if waiting for someone to appear and get her out of this place. it was in the way she blinked, not rhythmically but as disjointed as listening to an orchestra without a conductor. yes, it was in her ersatz laughter that desperately clung onto every sound in the room, in hope no one would notice she wasn't having fun. it was in the fact that she was not altogether, not perfect, missing something so important. and i loved her even more for it. i loved her so much that watching her was as painful as being operated without anesthesia.
and as she excused herself from the crowd, she found me. her whole beautiful body pinned down by my presence. and suddenly she was unsure. what she wanted, who she was, who i was, what we were. and i cocked my head forward and bowed as you would to a queen, without malice, without jokes but because it made sense. and she smiled, stepping forward. but i stepped back. and suddenly she returned to being so unsure. all of a sudden self conscious and transparent. and i bowed again to her lack of totality, to her imperfection, to the blanks of her being. and she began to cry. because there was that horrible affirmation that everything was true. and everything we gambled brought us nothing but loss. and suddenly that feeling, the same feeling i had as i walked away from her, was shared between us two. she would never be mine, i would never be hers knowing fully well that we were what the other exactly needed.
love,
and as she excused herself from the crowd, she found me. her whole beautiful body pinned down by my presence. and suddenly she was unsure. what she wanted, who she was, who i was, what we were. and i cocked my head forward and bowed as you would to a queen, without malice, without jokes but because it made sense. and she smiled, stepping forward. but i stepped back. and suddenly she returned to being so unsure. all of a sudden self conscious and transparent. and i bowed again to her lack of totality, to her imperfection, to the blanks of her being. and she began to cry. because there was that horrible affirmation that everything was true. and everything we gambled brought us nothing but loss. and suddenly that feeling, the same feeling i had as i walked away from her, was shared between us two. she would never be mine, i would never be hers knowing fully well that we were what the other exactly needed.
love,
Sunday, February 12, 2012
thought #237- commitment phobia
the fear of commitment has never been an issue in the past. i am a dedicated person by nature. i'm never half assed when venturing out into the unknown be it a new hobby, a new semester of study (that can be argued) or in this case a new relationship. i guess consequently, as a result for giving away too much too soon, i end up feeling like the dejected, miserable little turd that committed to something without checking whether the other party was on the same page. even (and especially) during the times i've been conscious as not to get too involved but end up stepping into the deep end and drowning in my own patheticness. but lately, and to be honest i don't know if this has been conjured by terminal singleness or my hopes for leaving the country next semester, or my sudden apathetic and laid back approach to life in general, i've been feeling uncommitted with matters pertaining to the heart.
now don't get me wrong, this doesnt mean i've turned into a crazy bachelorette aspiring to have crazy monkey sex with a different man every night, get married to my job and live a lonely, meaningless life which i will regret at 85. hell no. i still want to find that man i am to commit myself to. i still want to get married, have babies, establish a career and live a life as an extension of myself and the real cause of humanity. i still believe that God has a big plan and bright future ahead. it just feels like now, at the tender age of 19 (almost 20), this serious stuff which i've been internally preparing myself for since high school has suddenly been put on hold.
i can't help think i've taken a male approach to this. and i don't ever intend to be a dick about it because i can still recount all too well how much it sucked to be in the position of the rejected. but honestly i just want some fun. i want to explore, enjoy life, taste what the world has to offer. i mean if by chance i stumble into the man of my dreams then it's an all go on my end and i'd be more than happy to commit. but until then, until that fateful day and until i have no firm reason as to commit then i'm going to life the happy go lucky life. i am going to be young and a little restless and a little careless. but i'll never forget my roots, my foundation, my Creator and my purpose.
i guess in summation i'm no longer compelled to find a boy. i'm no longer wishing that i was in a relationship like what appears to be the rest of the universe. i mean i'm open and receptive for you to come into my life but please don't think that i want to get serious. we'll cross the bridge when we get there. just please don't expect so much of me and i will do the same with you too.
love,
now don't get me wrong, this doesnt mean i've turned into a crazy bachelorette aspiring to have crazy monkey sex with a different man every night, get married to my job and live a lonely, meaningless life which i will regret at 85. hell no. i still want to find that man i am to commit myself to. i still want to get married, have babies, establish a career and live a life as an extension of myself and the real cause of humanity. i still believe that God has a big plan and bright future ahead. it just feels like now, at the tender age of 19 (almost 20), this serious stuff which i've been internally preparing myself for since high school has suddenly been put on hold.
i can't help think i've taken a male approach to this. and i don't ever intend to be a dick about it because i can still recount all too well how much it sucked to be in the position of the rejected. but honestly i just want some fun. i want to explore, enjoy life, taste what the world has to offer. i mean if by chance i stumble into the man of my dreams then it's an all go on my end and i'd be more than happy to commit. but until then, until that fateful day and until i have no firm reason as to commit then i'm going to life the happy go lucky life. i am going to be young and a little restless and a little careless. but i'll never forget my roots, my foundation, my Creator and my purpose.
i guess in summation i'm no longer compelled to find a boy. i'm no longer wishing that i was in a relationship like what appears to be the rest of the universe. i mean i'm open and receptive for you to come into my life but please don't think that i want to get serious. we'll cross the bridge when we get there. just please don't expect so much of me and i will do the same with you too.
love,
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