thought# 205- shed some light on me

what is to you?

University- university is a relentless three or more year break from reality; themed with excessive amounts of caffeine, cigarettes, immense poverty, insomnia, hangovers, default outfits and already feeling exhausted before you've graduated and gotten a full time job.

Sex- is either an expression and consummation of love or way too many hormones combined with way too many shots combined with way too many sexually repressed desires.

Food- is a tease. you always crave so much and once you've got it you want to starve for three years.

Family- shapes a lot of why a person is the way they are. it can be both fundamental and detrimental. it's loving and stabbing simultaneously.

Friends- similar to family but you can actually choose them. they will disappoint you and hurt you as all humans are inclined to do. but they will also bring immense joy and love to your flesh self.

Love- is what i believe to be humanity's greatest weakness. it's what we all want, even the tough fucks who say they don't need love to be complete. we were created to feel it, know it and embrace it. sadly the notion has been contorted over the years. its an action and feeling and treasure.

God- is who created me and puts up with me and loves me unconditionally even being the little shit He essentially doesn't have to deal with at the end of the day. i am thankful to know that there's someone beyond the chaos of this world that is looking out for me and that i have something and someone to look forward to after this fleeting experience we call life is over. doesn't mean i don't struggle with getting it right with Him everyday. i'm far from it but it's got to begin somewhere right?

Trust- as cliche as it sounds it really is hard to gain and easy to lose. i think even the people that say they trust to easily internally cringe at this notion. because whether one likes to admit it or not, trust is so hard because we're all so afraid to give it away and risk getting hurt. its also another mankind peeve to feel uncertain.

Life- is meant to be lived, without regret and to the fullest extent. it's meant to be shared and not stored away for a rainy day. it's actually not meant for us. though that fact should make you happier knowing that at the end of the road it's not how much you did for yourself to know happiness but for the people you encountered along the way.

Fashion- is a weapon of vanity, self- expression, creativity, admiration and jealousy. it's complex and bipolar. but personally, fashion can always be taught, but not style.

Tattoos and piercings- similarly to fashion. for me it's whatever floats your boat. why should i judge? if its meaningful and tasteful then i am all supportive.

"Naughty stuff"- i have no idea what this is actually referring to but i'm assuming its the sex, drugs, rock and roll lifestyle our parents pray to Jesus their children don't end up manifesting. i mean yes its naughty and harmful and down right unwise but i have to be honest, it feels fucking fabulous. for a while. like in your adolescence and everything's a mere party. but thirty years down the track, stabbing heroin into your veins and dying of lung cancer is not glamorous at all. i understand the consequences. i think once you experience this so called naughty stuff its best to just move on and grow up.

Music- i once described music as a marriage between fingers and vocal chords or something along those lines. music is literally divinely created. it's like being in a relationship. life would feel like such a crumble without it.

Books- i'm a bit of worm. not as much as some people i know. but i still adore tearing through and consuming the genius of some amazing piece of lit. i still like the feeling of holding a book and most recently i've only started highlighting books (previously i thought it was some sort of sacrilegious practice to do so). who needs a boyfriend when i can have endless days in bed with a good book?

Marriage- yes its a traditional social construct and yes we live in a post modern world where old things are necessarily the things to do. but yes i am a little old fashioned and yes i still believe and secretly dream of the day i walk down a church aisle and see the face of my future hub and feel, even just for that moment, like the most happiest human being in the world. marriage still means something to me.

TBC...

love,

thought# 204- nothing to do with you

-Your middle name, and how you feel about it.

Ann: i have no angst toward it. i often wish my parents were a bit more creative in the creation of my name. 

- Talk about your piercings or tattoos, if you have any.

first the ears when i was a baby, hence no real story about that. second was the navel during my trip to the philippines in 2007/08. there was no real reason as to why i did it. i think it was just a moment of teenage self-experimentation and curiosity. i did get my ass kicked for it but i still have it to this day, so i guess my parents survived their first "our daughter's an adolescent heathen" attack. last is my ink during march this year. i've always wanted it but it took me awhile to figure where and what exactly. finally came to the conclusion of a simple small triangle and the shorthand symbol of one located on the side boob/lower rib. there's double meaning towards the piece, firstly the triangle represents the trinity but also birth, life and death. the shorthand symbol of one means we are one under the trinity as well as we are given only one opportunity at birth, life and death and thus to make the most of it.

- Your favourite television program.

i'm actually not a really big tv program watcher.

- Write about your closest friend(s).

i have a few. i love them for similar, dissimilar, unique and meaningful reasons. they've all gained my trust and love at different points in life and i am a firm believer that they arrived/are still present in my life because they truly belong there. they keep me grateful and love me regardless of my weaknesses.

- Tell us your three favourite colours.

yellow, black and white.

- Your favourite season, and why.

autumn and spring. the in betweens. the lukewarm seasons. they make me miss the heat and thank the good lord it isn't too cold. they let me breathe and they don't force me to make my mind up about what i'm feeling today.

- How you came across blogspot, and how your life has changed since joining.

i believe it was i november 2009. post- graduation, pre- hsc. i had previously kept a virtual blog during my younger years in year eight but momentarily ceased due to busyness and boredom. i've always enjoyed the occasional rant thus thought it to be a good idea to create one after leaving high school. i actually adore (with partial cringing) everytime i look back at past posts. it really documents the important and trivial things that have been happening in my life since leaving the security and comfortable bubble to secondary study and entering the real world. it reminds me to never forget the past and lets me learn in order to be a better person for the future.

- Are you a fitness guru or a couch potato? Talk about your exercise habits.

let's just say i wish i was way more fit than i am at this present moment. my exercise habits are random and spontaneous. i will engage in intense healthy bouts after weeks/months of binging to save myself from all consuming guilt. i'm actually keen to engage in my pending vegetarian, no alcohol/cigarette/illicit substances/coffee (aka the no- life) detox.

- Favourite meme at the moment.

the sudden abundance of handsome boys in stone coloured carhartt chinos, buttoned up shirts/white tees, with their slim line vans, beanies, skateboards and cigarettes in the back pocket... or did i just envision my dream guy? 

- Talk about your pets, or the pets you would like to have.

zero pets. i don't believe animals like me that much. i wish i could have a dog though.

- Your top three favourite bands.

the strokes, the mars volta, red hot chili peppers

- Your thoughts or opinions about Harry Potter.

i'm not an obsessed fan. he's ok i guess.

- Your thoughts or opinions about Mean Girls.

fancy you asked seeing as i just rewatched this last night. i adore this movie.

- Do you have siblings? Talk about them, or talk about what it’s like to be an only child.

none. being an only child has its perks and disadvantages. my parents are on the stricter side. they can be ridiculously over protective and drive my beserk i understand they're love behind it all. they've actually mellowed over the years as they begin to understand that i'm growing up and responsibility and life actually comes after that.

- Tell us your favourite junk food.

red rock deli. enough said.

- Your favourite Disney Princess movie.

pochantas though i don't know if that's classified as a disney princess movie. if not then it has to be cinderella and beauty and the beast.

- Your thoughts on Ugg boots.

not for public use.

- Do you drink soda more often than milk?

i barely drink either. water or cranberry juice thank you.

- The initials of your crush(es).

celebrity? f.l, m.c, a.b, r.r, j. f. etc. etc
non- celebrity it would be too obvious if i gave it away. plus i think i'm definitely past "crushing" this guy.

- Do you wear glasses? If so, what are they for?

yes. i'm short sighted

- Your favourite subject to study.

none

- Do you play a sport? Tell us about it. If not, talk about a different hobby you may have.

i am incapable of physical co-ordination. hobbies include: perving on handsome strangers, coffee playdates, lyrical venting and being anti-social.

- Your opinions on Lady Gaga.

she's intriguing and twisted.

- Tell us about the last movie you saw in theatres.

it's been awhile, probably thor. i knew i'd like it previous to watching it.

- Tell us about the last book you read (for leisure or for school).

geek love by elizabeth dunn. so sick, shocking and beautifully written.

- Name one place you would love to visit one day.

london, my next home.

- List your three favourite girls’ names and three favourite boys’ names.

girls: akira, jerusha, lyla

boys: luca, zion and george. 

- Your first celebrity crush.

i really don't remember. i've liked julian casablancas since year eight though so he could potential win. 

- Your opinions on the television show ‘Glee’.

i used to like it. i was an avid watcher during the first season but then i skipped a few episodes, then it degenerated to an adaptation of pop songs and overexposure to special guests.

 - Take a picture of yourself right now and post it, or post the most recent picture you can find.
 

bracessss fuck yeahhhh haha


love,

thought# 204- life? this is just practice

i think its easier for me to talk about myself allusively especially when it comes to feelings and emotions and all that shit that ruptures my heart and mind incessantly. maybe because it's easier to reveal yourself when you don't know and don't care who receives your secrets. maybe because it's easier to reveal yourself when the unknown who receive your secrets are unaware of just how much something means to you. i think, through the years, i've mastered this art of becoming indifferent and aloof towards matters pertaining to the heart. i hate saying that i miss someone insanely even when it's all i can think about internally. i hate admitting i still feel for someone even in the midst of entertaining somebody new. i say i'm fine and there's nothing to talk about when my insides are like an overflowing bathtub; i am attempting suicide and half-way through i realise i still want to live but it's too late and i'm thrashing around like a ridiculous fucking lunatic.

i don't do this because i'm a coldhearted bitch. neither is it because i want to display some delusional perception of strength. it just boils down to me being scared. i'm frightened deep down. frightened if there are no barriers between my helpless little self and the wall i build around my weaknesses then i have nothing. i'm not saying i've never given myself away before. i've liked, more than liked, i've shared pieces of my world with others and consequently i've gotten bruised and become road kill. do i regret that i chose to use my heart? hell no. but that doesn't erase the fact that it's just made me scared shitless.

self-preservation perhaps. but whatever it is, i have to be honest, it's not going to change. i guess it's a rehearsal for when the real deal arrives in my life but until then i will keep myself guarded and allow my insides to wallow in their little secrets and be just that little bit frightened, but never shut, to let someone in.

love,

PS."I'm not frightened. I'm not frightened of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love." wish i was like him.

thought# 203- maybe, maybe not

i like to think that if i move very far away, distance myself by bodies of water and bodies of flesh, into another hemisphere and life then maybe i can forget you. and maybe if you fall away from my day to day activities and i lose heart to want to know how you are then maybe i can forget that it still murders me inside. and maybe if i become too busy and preoccupy the contents of my mind with a future then maybe i can forget how it once felt to be adored beyond the surface of my gender. and maybe if i can stop implicitly writing about you and the alternate realities i wish we found ourselves delved within then maybe my heart will shrivel and close up like a barren sea and i will be indifferent to anything pertaining to you. and maybe if i can take the courage and fear no more and find someone else to replace the void and perhaps spend a few years together and become comfortable and eventually get married and pop out a few puppies and live the life we set prayers and sleepless nights studying in university over, then maybe i can forget that i once actually gave an irreplaceable piece of that wretched organ to you, and you alone and even though those feelings become unspoken truths and i am not in love with you any longer something innate makes me think he should have been you.

love,

thought# 202- truth be told

i have had many days pass since we parted ways.

some mundane and monochrome, stuck watching the blur of crusted rooftops, busy streets and anonymous farragoes of flesh and bone through a vandalised train window. ordering a daily dose of caffeine, the smell of toasting bread, walking towards university, music echoing in the caverns of a broken eardrum, more strangers. slightly trembling at the cold weather, second cigarette, second coffee, second opportunity at quitting dismissed. reading a book, eating katsu, withdrawing money, avoiding "see your balance." repeat public transport ritual, return home to the silence of an empty, haunting abode. repeat, repeat, repeat.

some days are eventful and memorable. stuck between the reoccuring notion of a face and a name and vodka. happy to converse, happy to dance and forget the misery of living such an opaque life. another inappropriate photograph, another handsome stranger you've missed the opportunity of befriending. late night fast food, toilet bowl and pillow interchangable for tonight. loud sing-a-longs to songs you hate when you're sober but suddenly adore when you're not. you're singleness a reason for your recklessness. casual. telling the truth to someone you're about to kiss. no recollection the morning after. two panadols and a hot shower. never again.

but there has not been one day that you have not come into thought. not one day where i don't think of how simple things would be if things were not how they were now. not a single day where i hold your letters above my bin but cowardly return them to their hiding place. not a day i don't want to message to say hello because that is what normal people, normal friends do. not a single day where i wonder if you're well and happy and thinking to yourself, i'm glad things didn't work out with her. not one day i want to punch you in the balls for being so difficult. not a day passes where i pick up my pen start with dear... and never get past your name. not one day where i am not internally tortured, externally nonchalant.

i have had many days pass since we parted ways. truth be told, it feels like i've existed in only one since that day.

love,

thought#201- the real biography

• i am indecisive about the littlest, minute things such as what to have for lunch, what to wear today and if i should get out of bed this morning.
• i adore tiny splatters of meaningful ink. i like to think of them as love letters on skin.
• i don't like considering myself as a smoker. but that would be a lie.
• i am not skeptical or bitter because of past relationships and love. truth is, i'm a little afraid.
• i think people get to a stage where they think they've broken into transparency with me. but really we're only scratching the surface.
• i like getting comfortable, but i don't think i've ever experienced it. change always seems to get in the way.
• i believe in God. i believe in a life after this. i believe i am created for a purpose other than my own. that doesn't mean i don't struggle with it all everyday. 
• i'm a bit bipolar. i have so many facets. some people think i'm a bit of a contradiction. they're right.
• i love my family. we have our moments. but at the end of the day i am so grateful.
• i appreciate the little things in life, and the little things that people do.
• i am generally a positive person. generally. 
• i want to find that special guy. i want to get married and have babies and live that sort of life we all scoff at as adolescents. but not right now, secretly, i don't mind stumbling my way through (drunken stupor) for a bit.
• i believe everything has its season and reason. the answer isn't always for us.
• i'm not altogether, believe me.
• i want to travel so badly. i want to experience the glories and richness this world has to offer.
• i love anything understated; hidden treasures.
• i adore reading and writing and cracking open the skull of other human beings through the thoughts and genius that ooze out of them. 
• i often create alternative realities for strangers and myself. that doesn't make me divine, only creepy.
• i am rather awkward. 
• i don't like giving too much of myself away. i don't know if that makes me a tease or a prude or fucking selfish. maybe its just my natural reaction of self- preservation.
• i actually care, more than people think or what i want people to think.
• i care about the future. i believe things will be better in time and that i'll get my shit together eventually. 
• i have big dreams and plans. sometimes i fear they'll forever remain as those. 
• i have this intrigue for things like biographies of serial killers, drugs, skeletons, sex and models. its kind of twisted. 
• i believe everyone is capable of being beautiful and that everyone merely has their ugly days.
• i want to make my parents proud. 
• i have an affinity for stereotypically geeky things like literature, cafes, old cameras, moleskins, glasses, cardigans, naked ankles and socially awkward virgins.
• i have morals and virtues, things that suspend from time to time but are never erased.
• these days i am becoming more nonchalant, passive and indifferent about everything in my life. i kind of hate myself for it.
• as cliche as it sounds, if i can influence one persons life for the better i can die a happy woman.
• i wish i loved animals more than i really do, i also wish animals loved me more than they do.
• music is such a dictator of my mood, imagination, inspiration and to an extent my existence. its a supernatural gift really. 
• i have a big heart, but its not a college house party so please don't trash it.
• i love the concept of casual but i question the reality of its existence.
• sometimes i wonder who my real friends are.
• one day i'll get my sleeping patterns aligned to normality.

love,

thought #200- confessions

i wish i had known you in a different time in my life. not at this current moment where my head is consistently rotating, my shit is all over the place and i don't really know what i want to do with you. i wish we were twelve and you liked me because i was the only girl bold enough to kick you in the balls (literally) and say hello to you in the playground the next day. i wish we were twenty one and i somehow persuaded you to come to europe with me and we would spend month after month in each other's bed and each other's skin and each other's heads until finally one of us would be courageous to ask "is it time to go home now?" i wish we were nearing thirty, sitting in an apartment overlooking a monument of some sort. drinking red wine (something i never thought i'd do in my young age) and listening to frank sinatra. exhaling our success and inhaling each other's. you'd ask me to marry you and i laugh at your face but agree because things are somehow right and appropriate and i can't imagine loving someone as much as i do with you. i wish we were seventy eight reaching down to pat our faithful feline (something i'd never thought i'd do in my younger age) and holding onto each other as if we were lifelines. intertwined beneath silver locks, the smell of must and orthopedic loafers.

not now. not when i am nineteen and indecisive and still unaware of my exact purpose. not when i am as volatile as the next natural disaster to strike the earth. not now when i want you so much that the moment you disappear or say you love another is so mammoth it could potentially deflate the contents of my heart. not when i need to know Him first, myself second and you third. not when i can't even figure out when my last cigarette will be or the last time i ponder about the universe in its totality. not now.

love,