thought# 203- maybe, maybe not

i like to think that if i move very far away, distance myself by bodies of water and bodies of flesh, into another hemisphere and life then maybe i can forget you. and maybe if you fall away from my day to day activities and i lose heart to want to know how you are then maybe i can forget that it still murders me inside. and maybe if i become too busy and preoccupy the contents of my mind with a future then maybe i can forget how it once felt to be adored beyond the surface of my gender. and maybe if i can stop implicitly writing about you and the alternate realities i wish we found ourselves delved within then maybe my heart will shrivel and close up like a barren sea and i will be indifferent to anything pertaining to you. and maybe if i can take the courage and fear no more and find someone else to replace the void and perhaps spend a few years together and become comfortable and eventually get married and pop out a few puppies and live the life we set prayers and sleepless nights studying in university over, then maybe i can forget that i once actually gave an irreplaceable piece of that wretched organ to you, and you alone and even though those feelings become unspoken truths and i am not in love with you any longer something innate makes me think he should have been you.

love,