thought #223- i do

so i attended the wedding of a dear friend and big sissy of mine yesterday. i'm not one to be sappy but weddings actually get the better of me. it's one of the only moments in existence that i gush at the innumerable amounts of kissing, loving and pathetic mush i would otherwise projectile vomit over. it was a beautiful day and evening and i couldn't help feel that they really belonged together. one moment that particularly got me was when the groom uttered "you really are the love of my life."

apart from the sappiness associated with this movie cliche, the thing that got me was that i totally believed him. i wholeheartedly knew and felt how much he adored his new wife and how real it was. and suddenly this notion, this beautiful declaration was screaming at me... as if to ask "will that ever happen to you?" now we all know that i'm not one to be wanting to be in a serious relationship in this point in life. but nevertheless the thought doesn't dwindle. i mean yes in the future i hope to settle down and find that person who is divinely ordained for me, but until then i find myself far from it.

i honestly wonder if i'll meet that man. and he'll love me for every facet be it brilliant and despicable. that one person who will know who i am and who i'm not and still want to marry me and have babies with me and grow old with me. i wonder if i'll meet someone who i will be content with for the rest of my life and never look back with regret for saying "i do." i honestly wonder. until then i vicariously live through these blissful moments, drinking glass after glass of wine and feeling warm and fuzzy inside each and everytime the groom and bride look at each other and dancing to "ill make love to you" on the dancefloor as a single lady. innately hoping and praying and wondering when i'll start growing up and looking past myself.

love

thought #222- i remember you

i remember you. you were that person who i met from a friend of a friend. another strange degree of familiarity somewhat beckoning for our paths to cross. i was awkward, you were you too but somehow it worked. i remember the way you used to walk, your long limbs swinging like a pendulum as if you were physically cutting the air in crisp, rhythmic strides. you always had that serious sort of face, like you were always in deep thought. brooding and mysterious. i thought you did it on purpose to make you attractive to women. i remember you. people always thought of you as careless and selfish, but i knew you were different. you would take me home in the early hours of the morning, regardless if it was on your way or not. you would call me when you knew i was alone. it was the little things. i remember you. you didn't talk a lot, but when you did you spoke veracity as if your speech were paint being splattered across a white wall. i remember you. it wasn't hard to fall in love with you. even when i didn't intend to. it just came to a point when i woke up one day and realised how much i really cared. i remember you. the way you laughed or embraced me or yawned. it was so interesting and defining. i remember you. you were that person that meant so much to me. at one point in my life. shamefully, at only one point in my life. because you left as quickly as you came. one moment you were important, then suddenly you disappeared. i remember you, you were that person who showed me how easy it is to steal someone's heart and how easy it is to stop caring.

love,

thought #221- substituting study

as usual. you don't have to ask. you don't even have to get to know me.

1. Abigail Ann Cruz
2. nineteen and four months
3. mads and sam
4. single (no brainer)
5. ears and navel
6. maybe another ear, wouldn't mind the nose but i'm not fussed.
7. side boob triangle and one in shorthand combo
8. take heart on my hip sometime this month, birthdates/names of my children in the future.
9. whoever i'm subscribed to.
10. my name.
11. the mars volta, always has and always will be
12. it would be a toss up between the royal tenenbaums, fight club and howl's moving castle.
13. i am so awkward.
14. i can be a bit of a pushover sometimes.
15. i can be so inappropriate.
16. content
17. a beautiful night, a rooftop, a good movie, a bottle of moscato and my impending favourite boy.
18. inconsideration and fakers.
19. attractive european men and cigarettes.
20. never handled pain very well.
21. the study
22. boys that don't know how beautiful (internally and externally) they really are,
23. ovary exploding smile
24. guys who spit on the road and sleep with alot of girls.
25. SK-II is owned by proctor and gamble. it was on our case study for transnational this week.
26. "No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice."- Chuck Palahniuk.
27. i wonder if you realise how much of a jerk you've been acting. you probably don't realise how hurt i feel right now after you ignore me, time and time again. i just wish you would meet me once and for all, tell me how you feel. even if it means we can never be friends again. i'll be fine. instead of this relentless limbo we still find ourselves in. i'm not over you ok? that's the worst part. 
28. has horns, and a pointy tail and a stake. because he likes to see me fail.
29. no comment.
30. both. personality is definitely predominant but we all know the truth is we wouldn't think twice about someone if they never caught our eye in the first place.


love,

thought #221- the wrong formula

the random encounter + subtle flirting + exchange of numbers + late night phone calls/conversations/skype/messages + the first hangout + the second hangout + multiple consecutive hangouts until the  unavoidable question of "so... what are we?" enters the situation + "i don't want to be in a relationship but we'll see how we go" + continued hanging out + blissful hunky dory feelings +  fooling around + a petty fight + a moment of "what are we doing?" + "maybe we should stop seeing each other" + abrupt disconnection + the missing + the regret + almost wanting to take three steps back + feeling like shit + overload on lame movies and songs + alcoholic/cigarette/partying abuse + breakdown + the morning after + getting over feeling sorry for yourself + awkward civilised encounters and chats + starting to move on + slowly forgetting and forgiving + lost communication + the occasional facebook stalk + out of your system + back to strangers/acquaintances/friends if you're lucky + the random encounter.

equals?

love,

ps. haha

thought #220- easier

it's easier to not meet that person and have that initial feeling of attraction, doubt and nervousness. it's easier to not feel like your heart will jump out of your throat each and every time they walk your way or say hello or offer to carry your textbooks. it's easier to not feel like your stomach is consuming itself as they attempt to disguise their own internal stomach self- dissipation by asking for your number. it's easier to not go through the first phone call or first text message that accumulates to fifty and five hours as the days pass without you noticing. it's easier to not go have coffee or lunch or dinner and have to worry about your feelings rearing its ugly head and spoiling the casual flirting and mystery behind this all. it's easier to not be able to sleep at the thought of seeing them tomorrow and deciding what to wear and wanting to look beautiful in their presence (even though they think of you that way with a burlap sack on). it's easier to not tremble momentarily as they cup their hand into yours as if that suddenly alters the status of your relationship. it's easier to not feel compelled to check your phone every hour or stare at your watch to watch those tiny hands to speed to the next time you'll see them again. it's easier to not have them ask and you replying yes.

it's easier to not have the feeling of bliss, where words cannot provide a perfect summary of what is going on in your head and heart. it's easier to not feel like every kiss and hug and cuddle and i love you is not enough. it's easier not to have permanent arm candy. it's easier to not have the first argument and feeling dejected as if all those moments of bliss were only moments of blindness. it's easier to not feel embarrassed but watch each other apologise and assure each other that things are okay. it's easier not to feel this sudden emotion of stagnancy, the pinnacle of comfort that nothing excites you and nothing  about the relationship feels fulfilling anymore. it's easier not to have the sudden break. it's easier not to feel awkward and slightly betrayed as you watch them start to fall for someone else and inside you remain thinking "that should be me". it's easier not to see your relationship crumble into fragments as quickly as they first began, waiting to be pieced together. it's easier to not have to go through the goodbye and break up and moving on and never really letting go. it's easier to not have every little thing remind you of them. it's easier to not have to wake up the next morning, feeling half- hearted (literally). it's easier to not look at your phone waiting for a text message or a call to lunch or a new movie you're keen to watch or even just a late night snuggle. it's easier to not think of that person you could be horrifically awkward and ugly and embarrassing with. it's easier to not have to go through friend's asking and people trying to get you two back together and having to hear what your heart actually pathetically echos from someone else when they say "but you two were so good together." it's easier not to have to see that person hand in hand with somebody new and you feel like shit and internally curse this coincidence and wish them the best but know that things will always have been better if it were still you two.

it's easier not to be in a relationship or experience a relationship. it's easier to not fall in love and fall out of lust. it's easier to not be human. but easier doesn't determine life does it?

love,

ps. i've linked this everywhere but i really am in love with this video. sums up relationships nicely. http://vimeo.com/27764822

thought #219- there's always a lot behind a little.

there's always a little curiosity behind every "just wondering," a little emotion behind every "i don't care," a little knowledge behind every "i don't know," a little pain behind every "i'm okay," a little "i need you" behind every "leave me alone," and a lot of words behind the silence.

some little treasure i found on tumblr. so true.

love,

thought #218- let it out

to be honest, i haven't felt like writing in this for awhile. i find myself, almost by second nature, clicking "new post" and never getting past thought #218 before exiting the tab. this isn't because i've lost the blogging spark or desire to write my musings in an (often forgotten) unfiltered manner but only because it feels like i'm just repeating myself in terms of subject. for the past few months my thoughts have been nothing but one long thought, elongated into segregated pieces of my heart and skull. it feels like all my posts have this relentless underlying theme embedded through my pretty words, internal bitterness and diminishing grammer and punctuation. and it feels like this will continue until one day,  i find my breakthrough, my eureka, a moment which causes me to find a different subject to mull my days over. and to finally let go of what's really been eating me inside.

but sadly that day hasn't arrived. and i fear you will be hearing more of myself verbally rewinding and playing and rewinding once again. who would have thought it would be this hard. honestly, i didn't think it would be. but then again i've never really liked someone as much as i've liked this certain human being. so much so that not even years later, other people later, changes later can actually erase. some sadistic people may actually comment that it's cute. and it would be so if we were actually together and feelings are elucidated and people are happy and not this vicious cycle of mixed signals, meetings that will never happen, an undying stubborn will to not give up and let go. i really don't know what's wrong with me. how strong and in control i can be for other things and yet be so fucked up over one scintilla of detail in my life. 

i've always been the one who would think "i can't believe she can't get over him, how pathetic!" only to ironically find myself in the same position. i think this whole internal heartstring struggle is what refrains me from ever entering anything more or deeper than a carnal lust. it sucks. it really does suck. if only things were cleared way before and if only he didn't have to be so difficult. if only remains as a teasing echo that i wish never existed. and deep down the thing that hurts the most is that he probably doesn't even know how much i care and how hurt i really am. and the fact that he probably thinks that there is no longer an issue with us or the concept of an us for him to even think that there should be an issue to start from is what murders me from within. the possibility that this single- sided struggle will continue on for me and i will still keep on hurting and never really recovering while he remains fine, dandy and can fall in love with someone again is why i will still be writing pathetic rants and blog posts about him thought after thought after thought.

love,