thought #107- back to square one.

i am:

1. sick and tired of being sick and tired.
2. sooo over being a pessimist or a cynic or bitter.
3. learning the difficult way.
4. erasing any remnants of being foolishly idealistic, which exist in my system.
5. going to have some fun and be happy, even if it fucking kills me.
6. officially letting my heart hibernate and my mind operate.
7. going to start focussing on the bigger, eternal things in life.
8. finally going to slap my own face and force my knees to bend.
9. going to attempt to be independent.
10. never, ever going to cry in an emotional impulse regardless of how intoxicated or frustrated i maybe again.
11. giving it all up, not giving up.
12. tired of like/ not, hello/goodbye, i do/ i don't.
13. soldiering on, even if it means going back to the start.


love,

ps. i love fresh starts.

thought #106- let's talk

i miss a good conversation. where two people pay no attention to the location, situation or constraints of time, but converse about everything and anything that life is affiliated with. i miss laughing at stupid memories and being emphatic over aches. i miss "don't tell anyone but" and the little revelations that come with it. the moments can be frustrating, embarrassing, exciting. sometimes we are just eager to be heard and other times we are keen to merely listen.

but i guess i never truly understood or missed a good conversation until i knew what it felt to be silent or silenced. sometimes conversations are meant to be trivial, sometimes we are meant to laugh off hurts and fears and whims. sometimes they are profound and need much more than "ok" to elucidate. to value the human heart speaking, you must appreciate the human heart in silence. weird i know.

somethings are actually better left unsaid or unspoken, others are "speak now or forever hold your peace." i guess it all comes with wisdom. i guess one day we have to finally become tired of not speaking up. i guess one day we need to get over ourselves and say what needs to be said and talk about what needs to be talked about. i guess one day we need to have the courage to say let's talk even when we don't want to. or have enough time to call that friend and update each other on the adventures of life. or have enough love to not give up on unspoken not-really-closure closure. whatever it is.

for me, i guess my one day is today.
so world- friends, strangers and everyone in between; let's talk.

love,

ps. haha made me laugh. so random

thought #105- in denial

i admit that i am blunt, i admit that i usually say things i shouldn't out loud and keep to myself things i should. i admit that i am weird, i admit that i often prefer silence and solitude than a sea of pointless participation. i admit that i am selfish, i admit that i am overtly perplexing. i admit that i am one of those annoying people who feign life is fine when it really isn't. i admit even i occasionally fool myself. i admit i am hesitant, i admit i am frustrated, i admit i don't know anymore and still try to summon the courage everyday to ask you if you perhaps do. i admit that i have innumerable shortcomings as a christian, daughter, lover, friend and stranger. i admit that i am foolish, immature and temperamental at times. i admit i am careless, restless and very passive towards responsibility. i admit i sometimes internally curse how my heart behaves. i admit i don't always do as i'm told. i admit i actually care. i admit i skip meals. i admit i have bad religiously abused habits. i admit i hate feeling helpless. i admit i take things for granted. i admit i'm not strong. i admit that i have a book form of my mind. i admit that i have insomniac tendencies. i admit that i do like the feeling of being needed and appreciated. i admit i like cuddling. i admit i hate being ignored. i admit i loathe not knowing the answer or the solution. i admit i dont fancy my legs. i admit that i am slightly picky. i admit i can be superficial sometimes but you need to understand the profoundness first. i admit i like being single if it means i'm not in a relationship with the wrong person. i admit i give in too easily. i admit i suck at physical exercise. i admit i don't appreciate "no comments." i admit it takes time for me to forgive and forget. i admit that i don't get over things as easily or as quickly as desired. i admit i am bipolar. i admit i, as much as i hate to, regret. i admit that failure is frightening. i admit that i can be hypocritical sometimes. i admit i am human.

love,

ps. i think i may have just told the whole world my ugly human weaknesses. oh well, at least its honest. 

thought # 104- we're so past feelings

this is no love song where one coos about happiness and forever. this is no story about power and glory and peace for mankind; like you even know what that requires. this is no serendipity a chance to meet destiny, a favourable outcome we both desire. this is no art, no technique to rehearse and reverse. this is no equation or formula we scratch pens and frustration beside. this is no secret to tell, or message to conceal. this is no outstretched arm beckoning to fill the void with another limb. this is no goodbye when two lovers douse each other with closure and watch each other alight. this is no hospital room where the life of a human being is hanging by a finger to a switch. this is no winter midnight, starring at the stars, intoxicated by everything other than alcohol and waiting for him to make the first move. this is no road trip, with an unknown destination, an uncertain amount of provision, an unclear direction and five confused friends. this is no absence of love or courage to walk away and abandon. this is no game of scrabble and you are the sore loser. this is no disguise, no feigning of effortlessness. this is no heartspill inside a dirty black book whilst listening to lisa mitchell's clean white love, muttering under your breath "fuck sap, fuck love". this is no lazy afternoon in bed with your favourite person. this is no sleepless night, listening to sad songs and crying yourself to sleep because its the only method you can think of to get tired. this is no show and there is no spotlight; you've lost meaning to the word entertainment. this is no misplaced mind or broken heart nor a joust to see which organ is king. this is no novel and there are no words, no chapters, no text just an empty person with an empty dream.

this is a just feeling. 

love,

ps. totally irrelevant but awesome picture haha. 

thought # 103- why so serious?

i recall my mother's pearls of wisdom (stolen from another smart someone) "it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt." this was usually commented after a harmless game of tag or bullrush turned into a gargantuan bitch fight and often left both parties sobbing endlessly, either broken, bleeding or bruised. i guess the moral of this story still rings truth in life today.

one does not have to look very far but to the issues of the heart to see how getting to know each other, playing the whatever happens, happens game, enjoying each other's company can be all so pleasant and splendid until someone gets hurt, confused, disinterested or worse yet serious. similarly to the movies, we all know that cliched plot of things starting out as a bet, a little non-serious playful game to win the girl until hot male protagonist realises he actually has feelings for her and she finds this isn't serious after all and thus gets angry at him but he apologies ever so romantically and wins her over by some fucked up "i didn't expect to fall in love with you but now i do" spiel. bullshit, but with an element of truth.

 i don't know if you've ever experienced non-mutuality, because from what i can remember it is quite devastating. i wish i had such foolproof advice to assist in avoiding such pain, but then i would of already applied it to my life by now. i guess you really can't blame any of the parties if one strays or the other falls deeper. sometimes you don't anticipate reactions, the heart is just as intelligent in fooling as the mind.

i guess you could say if you want to play then play, if you want to be serious than be serious. but its so effortless to draw the line. what happens when you don't expect one from the other and it just merely happens? its all a little perplexing i guess. but perhaps before anything else, maybe we should stop playing games and start getting serious with one person before pursuing anything else...

ourselves.

love,

ps. no comment! thought it was going to be better.
pps. i never knew freddy krueger was a pedo and a gardener haha.

thought # 102- the difference between distance and space

space: the gap between adoring and breathing, the ability to feel assurance in the physical presence of that significant person in your existence, the respect and trust and raw palpitating of the heart in measurements of understanding and nothingness. the separation between a hand away, the break between being a little frightened to a little more sure, the momentary pause from dialling a number to typing some letters to the one you love. the interval we escape from the mundane, quotidian routine of life to smile, be grateful and await in anticipation at the thought of him or her. the aperture that summons strength and not disaster.

distance: the horrible cold shoulder treatment, the pretence of not being affected by the absence or difference of that significant person in your existence, the lack of interest and rise of doubtful brooding. the universe apart that severes communication and understanding. the heart shaped gap inside of the rib cage, that feeling of restriction from letting that person know that you really do miss them. from the divide that rips what once could be deciphered through the absence of words and replaces this with question marks. the consistent subtraction of feelings and favourable moments, the unrelentless wanting of what we had before, the cruel vanishing of my favourite combination of you and nothing.

i know where i feel like i am but where do i really stand?

ps. i dont know about you, but im tired of cut and paste. 

thought #101- everything will be alright

lately things have not been victorious. there has been an absence of days where one smiles to themselves and leave strangers muttering "freak" under their breath. there has been much confusion, uncertainty, hurt, distance. but i awoke this morning with a conscious question, if i don't choose to be happy then how will i ever be? if i don't help myself then who will? i guess i'm not a fan of feeling depressed. im tired of merely feeling, existing by the motions of day and night, sobbing pathetically and scribbling away frustration, cursing the cold weather, acting as if a mere season of trial justifies my degradation of age and maturity. 

and so as i sit in a freezing bedroom that is the coldest in winter, hottest in summer, starring blankly at an essay i am determined to complete today, my favourite tea at hand, the killer's ironically cooing "everything will be alright," trying not to dwell on the stupidity of my actions and hoping for the best, i choose to be happy. and no this doesnt mean i'm smiling at inanimate objects, nor has the feeling of joy instantaneously arrived and everything's amazing again. it just means i am willing to move forward, i'm willing to remove myself from such darkness. and trust in He who is greater than myself.

and irrespective of how i feel, i am always here, i really meant that. because feelings, rough times, mistakes shouldn't alter anything if they are genuinely promised.

love, 

ps. i hope so too.