thought # 14- i have a conviction

its not everyday that i pay attention to thorns at my sides (no matter how gapingly open they appear to be). lately i've realised how self-centred i've been. i mean just observe my last thirteen entries. most, if not all are encompassing my whims, why i hate my legs, why i think aaron johnson and ruby rose are gorgeous, what i look forward to in the near future and other irrelevant and frivolous detail. though i enjoy every minute of wallowing and contemplating in details of my life i guess i haven't even spent one entry on the most important thing that really matters. believe it or not it's JESUS.

i think it would be easier to be postmodernist, atheist, humanist and rely upon human might and the natural forces of our being to dictate our morals, absolute power, the existence of heaven, hell or the nothingness in between. i think it would be much easier to agree that truth is relative and what is my cup of earl grey may not necessarily be yours hence we should just accept the fact that we are both correct. i think it would even be easier to go on a thrilling theological debate regarding philosophies and other theories only our human minds can comprehend to an extent before we return to the daunting question of "so is there a God?"

but im not smart. i would lose a literary, philosophical debate because i only have evidence on the basis of faithfulness and goodness over my own life and the life of others. yes i am a witness and a receiver but that is not satisfying for theorists who layer their lives on "half-truths" and "partially corrects." so i thought it apt to at least dedicate one entry (before i return to a tangent and yak about my trivial life) on why life is not complete without Jesus.

so i don't like the term religion, or being phrased "oh you're religious." because frankly religion is a man made way of trying to box Jesus in. not cool. yes you may have heard it plenty of times but it is true. relationship. its not enough to recognise the word, the name, the wonder if you don't even have the guts to thank him for your big mac before consuming it. im not being sacrilegious or condemning because its a personal struggle i deal with daily. sometimes i screw it up, actually i screw it up a lot. sometimes i end the day on a happy note, others on a horrible one. but the difference is that i still manage to wake up every morning and try again. try to love the way he first loved us.

so it may be harder to believe in Jesus, even harder to love him but its the hardest not to do so. i hope one day people realise that its not about being cool, its not about being in a cool church, its not about being anything more than what would make Jesus proud.

love

p.s. into the palpitating organ of jesus and the church.

thought # 12- if i was a lesbian

i would froth over ruby rose, heck the fact is i'm straight and already do. i had a dream about her last night, hence the inspiration for this stalker-like fan dedication regarding this beautiful woman. the dream involved myself attempting to sing a song for ruby on the occassion of her birthday party, however, pamela anderson was in the way and constantly trying to hog the mic (i believe she was drunk). it was comical but i think i was in awe of ruby to even care.  i must say i woke up a happy woman. there is really something about that girl. perhaps its the way she conveys a carefree, sophisticated, sultry, trendy yet unconventional aura. beyond the fact that she is gorgeous physically and i love every inch of her including her tattooed sleeve and bleached pixie which most people would look shit and try- hard, she exudes a ferocity and is comical and witty- traits girls would love to adopt and men wish that more women had haha (i am just being honest, i dont think i even make the cut). nevertheless one day i wish to meet her in person, and explode internally and attempt to hold my tounge and not gush out at how amazing she is haha.

onto another point, today was a scorcher, which i personally found appealing since yesterday's weather wanted you to pop 79257 pills and lie in your bed whilst awaiting for the side effects to corrode your body (haha im kidding, just being dramatic). i must say i engaged in productive activity, cleaning my room and sorting through the piles of ancient paraphernalia, report cards, love letters etc. tomorrow i am excited to be celebrating one of my dear friends and sister's of bonds stronger than blood birthday for dinner. it has been awhile so i am beyond excited. well before my face explodes and my limbs turn into a roasted dinner (because my room is the hottest in summer, coldest in winter, loudest all year round GRR!) i shall be off.

love

p.s. i'd like to try that someday (thanks danise).