thought #66- "we go blind when we needed to see"

as quoted by one of my favourite damien rice songs rootless tree, this line only makes me ponder on a subject that i have been pondering on for quite some time now- indifference. does it exist? is it attainable? is there a difference between apathy and indifference? profound stuff, you know (insert sarcasam haha).

personally i dont believe in indifference. i believe in apathy. i believe that apathy can be achieved almost like a habit or an addiction. at first you swear "im never going to smoke a ciggie in my life" then you taste the sweet, filthy tabacco and you want more. eventually you become so inclined to ciggies that you spend your whole life in the middle of puffing away and reinstating the fantasy-fuelled day you will promise to quit. this is similar to apathy. you "ngaw" at the starving children in africa, and "ngaw" at natural tragedies that strike, and "ngaw" at the social injustice occurring in our backyard let alone in our planet and suddenly you become so "ngaw-ed out" that eventually those ads/phamplets/people who knock on your doors/info regarding all these things leave you with a sense of nothing new/nothing's changed, in other words apathy.

then there is indifference. don't get me wrong, i believe you can feign indifference, just as my thought a while back talked about pretending not to care and such affirms. i believe you can pretend you arent affected by things as opposed to being affected by things and not giving a rats ass about it (apathy). but to say i am indifferent, unshaken, unaffected by things merely does not exist. we are swayed every day of our lives by everything and anything. whether we have seen/learnt it 10 years ago or seen today. memories, moments, people, words they all affect us. sometimes it doesnt show and most of the time it appears to have no affect but subconsciously your brain is at work gnawing through the details to the most trivial.

ive always secretly wanted to attain indifference. because emotions are hard to handle. because its far more easier to walk away on a past relationship and not be affected by anything synonymous the next day. but then i realise its impossible. i can pretend as much as i can, or i can deal with it. i know dealing with it will never erase anything but it can assist in the healing. dealing gives you a better alternative then pretence. so i guess the next time you wish you were a cold heart bitch or simply had indifference in your life, deal with what must be dealt with instead then move on. it may be the hardest option, but its the most real.

love,

ps. its called pretend.

thought #35- i want totoro as my neighbour

no offence to the neighbours i currently have. they're pretty great. but nothing compares to a giant bear/monster/animal sort of thing that converses in roars, can take you on a flight in the middle of the night, dances to the growth of trees and has a cat for a bus. sorry but there is no comparison haha. i spent my new years day watching my neighbour totoro if you hadn't already guessed and i must say i enjoyed lazing and recuperating after an eventful new years eve.

before i continue HAPPY NEW YEAR! i am so glad, excited, slightly afraid but expectant for all the experiences, memories and moments that life will bring as the beginning of another decade occurs. 2010 will be a splendid year, i have a good inkling haha. well onto recounting last night. a few of the favourites spent new years at the astle residence and it was great to chatter and see familiar faces once again. after receiving me imported, amazing christmas present from my amazing man jason tam (you have fufilled my dreams of having a large-scaled face of julian casablancas' hanging from my ceiling haha) we responsibly downed some champagne and chardonnay (well responsibly is very relative but i can safely say i was more sober than not this new years! haha) and sat with our "lung killers" by the pool talking about life, love and the future.

after kuan and i dropped the birthday boy, eugene grey, back home and raced back to maddie's before 12. although we missed the countdown we had 30 sec to spare so it was all good. we returned with my two best friends in their "i'm not drunk just tipsy" condition and a poor jason who was left alone with them HAHAHA. kuan and i got a little shut eye before the remainder joined us in maddie's room where slumber was contagious and almost all of us fell asleep (the dog snuggled with me haha). i left around 2:30ish and slept until 1pm, tired, my hands and room smelling suspiciously of smoke but grateful for the events of last year.

i can only hope that 2010 is just as exciting haha. well that was pretty much all that occured. now im awaiting to watch centre stage for the 750927th time and continue in my lazy, quiet and brilliant new years day.

love

p.s. we should have taken pictures :( haha